How I Met Your Mother

Marshall: I just explained that you guys are wusses. We had a good long laugh about it. I explained that you get a mani-pedi once a month. Barney: Weekly, Wolverine. Some of us care. Marshall: And how you played the hammered dulcimer in the medieval chamber group at Wesleyan. Ted: Well, did you at least tell them how we ranked second in medieval chamber on the east coast? Marshall: Oh, I did. And we all agreed it was much more likely that one guy beat up three guys than that you two had anything to do with it.

Ted: I think we should go someplace else. In this bar I will always be known as the guy who was left at the altar. It sucks. Barney: Good Times. Ted: Uh-oh, we lost Barney. Robin: What do you mean? Lily: There's a woman over there in a tight red sweater, and he's not listening to a word we're saying. Barney: Gimme a Break! Ted: Long ago, he learned that he can fake a conversation by listing black sitcoms from the '70s and '80s. Right, Barney? Barney: What's Happenin'? Lily: Hey, Barney. Wanna go and do stuff that I don't even let Marshall do to me? Barney: Diff'rent Strokes!

Lily: (watching Doug and Ted) God, I'm scared. Robin: Yeah, me too. Is Doug seeing anyone? Lily: Are YOU seeing anyone? You really should be.

Marshall: Ted couldn't fight. Look at him. He wouldn't last five minutes in a fight. Ted: Well, maybe more than five. Marshall: He's got the muscle definition of linguini.

Ted: I can't go to prison! Although I could get a lot of reading done, finally write some short stories, work out all the time... Seriously, if I don't come out of there totally ripped... Barney: Ted, we can't go to prison! People get shivved in the joint! Plus the meals are really starchy.

Barney: Are you crying? Ted: Yes I'm crying! You just punched me in the nose! Barney: Oh, that'll swell up. You'll look like Owen Wilson!

Robin: There are plenty of legitimate reasons to get in a fight. It might not be pretty, but in certain situations you gotta do what you gotta do. Ted: Right, I forgot, she thinks fighting is sexy. Robin: No, I do not... a lot! Look, I come from a culture of hockey players. If a guy can throw down it's somewhat way hot. And scars? Hello! If a guy's got a scar, he's got a Robin, and if he's missing teeth, I'm missing my pants!

(Robin turns to Lily after the fight) Robin: Marshall looks good, has he lost weight? Lily: Bitch don't even...

(Ted giving a speech to Lily's kindergarten children) Ted: Turns out getting in a fight was a terrible idea. And that's my story Lily: And what did you learn? Ted: Well, I learned that fighting is bad, and you shouldn't do it ever! Lily: Any questions? Kid 1: Yea, where do you find these people? Kid 2: I know, was there a big sale at the wuss-market?!

Marshall: You know what, Doug, I will gladly pay. And you know why? Cause that's what grown-ups do! They pay for their drinks and they don't get into fights. You know what I was doing while you guys were out there being immature? I tell you what I was doing... Barney: ...your nails?! Marshall: Hahaha, NO, I was doing... Ted: ...a relationship-quiz in this month's Cosmo?! Marshall: NO, I was doing... Barney: Your best not to cry when Big came back for Carrie at the end of the Sex and the City movie?!

(Lily breaks up a fight between two of her kindergarten children) Lily: Okay, okay, okay, stop fighting. Kid 1: Why? Lily: Because it's stupid and juvenile. Kid 2: We're six; we are stupid and juvenile!