How I Met Your Mother Season 5 Episode 7

Robin: I'm going out to get a paper.
Marshall: More like get a husband.
Robin: Stop that! Seriously, the last thing I'm looking for right now is a relationship.
Ted: Uh huh. When you pick up that paper, be sure to check the wedding announcements. For yours.
Marshall: Robin, it's like this. Do you know how many times in my life I've gone to the freezer looking for frozen waffles and not found them?
Robin: Thousands?
Marshall: Millions. But when I go to the freezer looking for a popsicle, or the remote control because Lily and I are fighting and that's where she's hidden it, you know what I find? Frozen waffles. That's how it works. You go out there looking for a paper, you're coming back with frozen waffles. And in this case, frozen waffles is a guy. Also, could you pick up some frozen waffles? In that case, frozen waffles are frozen waffles.

Marshall: Every couple goes through this. I had this friend who was an astronaut. But right before his mission, his fiancée caught him with, like, four other girls. And a couple dudes. So she snuck onto his shuttle—
Ted: Are you talking about Space Orgy?
Marshall: Yes, I am.

Lily: Look at these movies: Space Orgy, Coed Spring Break Surprise Party 23.
Marshall: You think after 22 parties, it wouldn't be a surprise anymore.

Ted: They're killing each other.
Lily: They love each other!
Ted: Barney and Robin love each other, but they're not Barney and Robin anymore. They're the fat guy and the old lady.
Marshall: My favorite 70s detective show.

Lily: So when they blew up the Death Star, knowing full well there were hundreds of storm troopers on it, those were people?
Marshall: Well, it's called the Death Star, baby. They knew what they were getting into.

Barney: Can you imagine us getting married?
Robin: Well, we are committed to each other.
Barney: Most of your stuff's already in my apartment.
Robin: Might make taxes easier.
Barney: Speed up your citizenship.
Robin: Scherbatsky's so hard to spell.

Lily: Ted, it's just a rough patch. It takes time getting used to being with someone else. And they're both... what's the nice word for selfish?
Marshall: Independent.

Marshall: If they're not happy, why don't they just break up?
Ted: Because they're too stubborn. Neither one wants to be the first to admit they want out. They're playing relationship chicken.

Lily: They're a perfect match.
Ted: Maybe that's the problem. You can't have two alpha dogs in one relationship.
Marshall: We have two alpha dogs in our relationship.
Lily: Sure we do, sweetie.

Woman's voice: ArchiSEXture, the world of—
(screen cuts to Barney)
Barney: Hello, Ted. If you're watching this tape, and I knew you'd pick this one, you are now in possession of my porn. This can only mean two things: either I'm dead, or I'm now in a committed relationship. If I'm dead, I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and recreating Weekend at Bernie's: I wanna dance, I wanna have sex with a girl, and I wanna go fishing. If, on the other hand, I'm in a committed relationship, then as your best friend, I have only one request: Please for the love of God, GET ME OUT OF THIS!

Ted: (reading porno box) "ArchiSEXture"—that is not how you spell Buckminster Fuller.