How I Met Your Mother

Barney: Ah, tweed. Fabric of the eunach. Lily: I've always wondered why tweed jackets have those elbow pads? Barney: That's because people who wear tweed are always going (puts elbows on table) Aw, gee. When will I get laid?

Ted: Barney, are you wearing sweatpants? Barney: Maybe. But they're Armani!

Lily: What about you, forgetting to check the egg time for charades? I gave you one thing to do, Marshall! One thing! Marshall: One thing? I suppose that Gouda just marched itself through the door, sliced itself up, and arranged itself around not three, not four, but five sturdy cheese-bearing crackers. Lily: You're a sturdy cheese-bearing cracker!

Lily: How do we know you two won't hurt us again? Robin: You don't. Lily: Damn it! Why is there something so attractive about a bad boy? And girl. Marshall: I think we can change them!

Barney: We're sorry we haven't been returning your calls, and we respect you too much to give you the old song-and-dance, so here's the truth. The US Navy has found intelligent life at the bottom of the ocean, and for reasons too complicated to explain, Robin and I have been chosen to lead the expedition. Lily: Wow, Barney. That kind of sounds like a line you give your dates when you're too much of a coward to dump them. Marshall: That's exactly what it sounds like. But if it's true, that would be awesome.

Barney: Maybe we can call that weird couple down the hall from me. With the ferrets. Maybe they'll want to come over and play Taboo. Robin: It's after midnight. We can't Taboo-ty call them, it'd be pathetic.

Ted: T'was the night before, I had hours to kill. I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill. Barney: With quill? Ted: Barney, it's a poem. A busty, young lassie flashed me a grin. Her garb said "classy," but her eyes whispered "sin." She said, "you're a teacher?" I said, "yes, indeed." "I must have you," she moaned. "I'm turned on by tweed." With haste we did scamper to my chamber anon. We fell to the couch, and, bro, it was on. I unlaced her bodice. Our passions grew deeper. And thus ends the tale of the sexless innkeeper.

Barney: T'was the night before New Year's, and the weather grew mean. It was 3:00 in the morning, and I was stranded in Queens. The tavern grew empty, The gas lights grew dim. The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in... Ted: Wait, if this was last year, why are you acting like it was Oliver Twist? Barney: Ted, it's a poem. Last call was approaching, And my fortunes looked bleak. Then I turned to my left and stifled a shriek. She had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone. She gobbled up hot wings and swallowed the bones. I muffled a scream and threw up in my mouth. I asked, "Where do you live?" and she said, "One block south." I swallowed my pride and six shots of whiskey. And prayed to the gods that she wasn't too frisky. Back in her cave, she prepared us a snack. 'Neath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack. But when she returned, She found a sound sleeper. And thus she became the sexless innkeeper. And so are you.

Ted: How was the couples night? Barney: Brutal. Ted: How? Barney: It was like we were on a date with a sad chubby girl our mom made us call.