How I Met Your Mother

Holly: (In Ted's text) I do not ask of the night explanations. I wait for it. It envelops me. And so you and bread and light and shadow are. Stan: That's Pablo Neruda. Marshall: I, um, don't know what bread was doing in there, but that touched me. Here (taps chest) and here (Taps head) Barney: Well if Ted won't say it, I will. I love you. Stan: That's cool.

Barney: If there's one thing we know about Ted, it's that he likes a nice body. This body would rock his world! Marshall: Ted and I have a history. I know what he likes. There are things I could do to him that blow his mind... why do we keep trying to have sex with Ted? Barney: I don't know, it's weird.

Barney: Seriously, Jesus started the 'wait three days' thing because he waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died! They'd be all, "Hey, Jesus! What up!" And Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I died yesterday." And they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude." And Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And they'd be like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro." Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now. Barney: And he's not gonna come back on a Saturday! Everybody's busy! Doing chores, working the loom, trimming their beard. No. He waits the exact right number of days. Three. Ted: Okay. I promise I'll wait three days, just please stop talking. Barney: (Waits five seconds) Plus it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already! They're all "Oh no, Jesus is dead." Then bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched! And FYI, that's when he invented the high five. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.

Ted: The three days rule is insane. Who even came up with it? Barney: Jesus. Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.

Marshall: Ted, you know how at some point in the future machines will rise against us? Ted: Sure. Marshall: Now the machines have killed everyone, and all that's left is you, me, and Barney. Which one of us would you like get with? Ted: Why would I have to get with one of you? Barney: The machines are forcing you. They want to watch. That's just how they get down.

Barney: Look at me! Now look at you. A still-in-the-closet 80-year-old wouldn't be into that mess. Marshall: Here's the thing, Barney. I'm snuggly. You're not. Who wouldn't want to snuggle up next to this business on a Sunday morning, wrapped in a comforter, and it's raining outside and there's muffins warming in the oven - I'm cuddly, bitch, deal with it!

Robin: (reading Holly's text message) "Hey, baby, I picked up some take out from Gennaro's, be home soon." Okay, this sounds bad, but let's think about this. It could be for a brother, or maybe her sick dad... Ted: Scroll down. Robin: "And then I want you to do me on the couch..." Okay, maybe not a sick dad, or a VERY sick dad, am I right? (laughs) Sorry.