How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Episode 12

Ted: Our friends Claudia and Stuart are having this crazy, black-tie wedding on Saturday. You wanna be my 'plus one'?
Robin: Ooh, 'plus one', you make it sound so romantic.

Lily: You can always ask Stuart.
Ted: Can I do that?
Lily: Sure, you guys have been friends for a long time, and it's 40% his wedding too.

Ted: Wow, thanks for being so cool about this 'cause you know Claudia said...
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah… This morning at the rehearsal, Claudia called our 7-year-old flower girl a whore. So, don't take it personally, she's just a little stressed.

Lily: Honey, this magazine says more and more couples are opting to have nontraditional weddings out in the woods.
Marshall: Well, if a magazine says so, we should go get married in the woods like a couple of squirrels.
Lily: Squirrels don't get married, Marshall.
Marshall: Like you could possibly know that.

Marshall: (to Ted) Oh, you went around the bride. "Oh, this hornet's nest looks harmless. Maybe I'll poke it with a stick. Oh, look, some gremlins, let me go feed them after midnight."

Marshall: So you admit it, the groom should have an equal say.
Lily: Oh, yeah, sure, on the stupid stuff, like who comes.
Marshall: So I can invite whoever I want.
Lily: Sure, there's plenty of room in the woods.

Lily: (on the phone) Sweetie, just calm down. Do you wanna go somewhere and talk?
Claudia: I wanna go somewhere and drink.

Marshall: Oh please, we all know how this movie ends. Ted falls in love. Love KICKS Ted in the sprouts. Roll credits.

Barney: I mean seriously, Claudia and Stuart? I mean I have hooked up with the odd lass who is beneath my level of attractiveness... but... you know I was drunk. There is no way Claudia has been drunk for three years.

Ted: (seeing Robin in her dress) Still wow.
Robin: Wow yourself. Look who else brought it.
Ted: Oh, yeah. I thought about leaving it at home, but I figured, I don't want to get there and realize I need it and have to go all the way back to get it, so yeah, I brought it.

Marshall: Being in a couple is hard. And committing, making sacrifices, it's hard. But if it's the right person, then it's easy. Looking at that girl and knowing she's all you really want out of life, that should be the easiest things in the world. And if it's not like that, then she's not the one. I'm sorry.

Claudia: No, no, no.... Listen to me, if I go to my wedding and the cake is not Tahitian vanilla, I will come down there and burn your little shop to the ground. Haha, do you wanna find out if I'm kidding?

Robin: How fancy are we talking about here?
Ted: Oh, you gonna wanna bring your A-game.
Robin: Oh, I'll bring it. I'll bring it so hard, the bride's gonna look like a big white bag of crap.

Marshall: Ok, I'm just saying that it's my wedding too and I should have a say in it.
Lily: But I'm the bride. So, I win.
Marshall: But I thought marriage is about two equal partners, sharing a life together.
Lily: Right but I'm the bride. So, I win.

Barnie: Don't beat yourself up. He'll be fine. I mean, the guy's like a billionaire. He can put his platinum card in a fishing line and win ten chicks hotter than you.

Ted: Okay, guys, I gotta say something, I think my feelings for Robin may be resurfacing.
Lily: Oh, please, they were buried in a shallow grave.

Lily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out and then, well feed them to you like grapes!
Barney: Wait, my eyes or my testicles?
Lily: One of each!

Robin: Lily, I need a dress!
Lily: You're going? That's awesome! Oh, my God, four days to find a dress?
Robin: I know, it's a suicide mission!

Barney: (to Ted) Thinking of easy, bridesmaids, bridesmaids.

Barney: If that dude can bag a 9, I got to be able to bag a 16.
Ted: What's a 16?
Barney: Those two 8s right over there.

Lily: Ok, ok.... we'll sneak her in.
Ted: We can't sneak her in...we're not ninjas!
Lily: Uhhh... I wish we were ninjas!

Ted: Yes, on Saturday, after a little wine and a little dancing...
Barney: Alright, they better be making a new gender, because I'm revoking your dude license.
Ted: Yeah, how was that manicure yesterday?
Barney: Invigorating, thanks.