How I Met Your Mother

Ted: What? We agreed! I suited up! Barney: You take too long to get ready. Ted: What are you talking about? I got the low-maintenance, just-rolled-out-of-bed look. Marshall: Which takes about an hour-and-a-half of waxing, tugging, and teasing to achieve. Barney: And then he starts on his hair.

Marshall: If Lily died before me, I could easily go for the belt. Lily: If I died before you, I could easily come back and haunt your penis.

Marshall: (not wearing pants) Wait, I thought we were in for the evening. Barney: That's what I thought about your bangers and mash, but apparently we're both wrong, governor!

Barney: The real Wimbledon lasts a fortnight. Marshall: British words are cool. Also, their lawyers wear wigs. I wore a wig at work once, and they laughed at me.

Trudy: (fantasy) Ted, what's wrong? Ted: I was just thinking about this documentary I saw once. About something called a super volcano. (to Barney) Okay, what the hell? Barney: Wait for it... Ted: (fantasy) It can happen at anytime. And obliterate all life on Earth. Which is why I live by three simple words; don't postpone joy. Rachel: Oh, my God. Trudy: That's so true. Ted: (present) Mortality angle. That's actually pretty good. I can do this.

Rachel: (fantasy) You give the most amazing foot massage. Ted: That's because I used to practice all the time on my grandmother. (to Barney) Why in God's name would I say that? Barney: It's endearing! You're a caregiver. Never take family values out of the equation.

Lily: I cannot give up my bedroom to a boot thief. She should be punished, not rewarded. Ted: Fine, then I'll try to work in a little light spanking.

Ted: It's a tricycle!
Barney: No way, no way, no way!
Marshall: What's happening?
(Barney gives Marshall the phone)
Ted: It's a tricycle!
Marshall: No way, no way, no way! It's a tricycle!
Lily: I'll say it now, all sorority girls are sluts.

Barney: (on women with unshaved legs) Guys just want to get on the green. They don't mind going through the rough.

Ian: Hey, Robin, the valet just pulled my car in. I thought we could go back to my place, if you're in the mood for a nightcap. Robin: Absolutely, I just have to go to the ladies room. I've got TB: tiny bladder.