How I Met Your Mother Season 2 Episode 5

Ted: Okay, we HAVE to get Lily out of that apartment. Her roommate is a raccoon.
Robin: I'd offer her my place, but I have dogs and she's allergic.
Ted: Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. I think she's more allergic to that.
Robin: What about your place, Barney? I know it's surrounded in mystery, but it's gotta have a couch.
Barney: The Fortress of Barnitude?? No way.
Robin: Oh come on. She's desperate.
Barney: Mmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home, but pass.

(About going to brunch with Brad)
Marshall: We're here, we're hungry, get used to it, Brunch!

Barney: Look around Lily, you are in the heart of bachelor country. And as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. Now you can try to apply for a sex visa, but that only lasts twelve hours. Fourteen if you qualify for multiple entry.

(Barney turns on another massive flat-screen T.V)
Lily: Okay, seriously, what do you do for a living?
Barney: Mmhehe. Please.

Barney:You spooned me against my will.

Ted: Is that a toilet in your kitchen?
Robin: Or a stove in your bathroom?
Lily: Oh, that's not just a stove, that's a stove-ink-erator. A combination of a stove, oven, sink, and refrigerator. Stove-ink-erator. Isn't that futuristic?
Ted: God, I hope not.

Barney: That's why I make it crystal clear to every girl that walks through that door that this is no place to leave a toothbrush, this is not a place to leave a contact lens case..this is a place to leave. Come on, I'll give you a tour..and no flash photography. The bedroom, king-size bed, full-size blanket, one pillow, everything about this bed says: Our work here is done. The bathroom, only one towel. What? No hairdryer? You know where I keep that stuff? Your place, beat it! Velkommen to the hallway. While guys like Ted and Marshall hide their porn,...
Lily: Marshall doesn't have porn.
Barney: Oh, that's sweet. While guys like Ted and Marshall hide their porn, I had mine professionally lit. Girls see this, they can't get out of here fast enough.
Lily: If that doesn't drive them enough, there's always your life-size Storm Trooper.
Barney: No, that's just awesome. So you see, when a girl wakes up here, I never have to tell her to go build her nest somewhere else; my apartment does it for me.

When watching the 300-inch TV
Lily: It hurts my eyes.
Barney: Yeah, that doesn't go away.

Barney: What was the first rule again?
Lily: Don't change anything?
Barney: And what was the second rule?
Lily: There was no second rule.
Barney: Exactly, there was only one rule and you broke it!

Barney: We redecorated my place. We stayed in on a Friday night to watch Letterman, and then slept together and didn't have sex! Ohmygod, we're in a relationship!

Barney:You somehow managed to circumvent my security, how did you do it?
Lily: Ted gave me you spare key.
Barney: Spare key, brilliant!

Marshall: Even if you don't believe it, tell me he looks fat.
(Ted turns around and takes a peek at Brad)
Ted: Totally looks fat.

Barney: You are better than porn!
Lily: Thanks!