Huff Season 1 Episode 5

Izzy: No, you see there are certain things in life you have to pay for and sex is one of them.
Huff: Mom, Byrd doesn't need to hear the entire rise and fall of your marriage.
Izzy: I'm not talking about marriage. I'm talking about sex. You know what sex is, don't you Byrd? Men think that sex is for free. All you have to do is find someone who doesn't speak English. In your grandfather's case he went all the way to Malaysia to dredge one up. He racked up those frequent flyer miles and he even had the nerve to use them to take me to Capri for out 30th. Can you imagine? You see there is an invoice involved with this kind of behavior, Byrd. And Huff if you think that your father is even entertaining the idea I might let him off the hook so he's free to marry Suzie Wong and spawn her green card babies, ho ho ho, the answer is a resounding no.
Huff: Mom, I think Miss Wong is too old to have children.
Izzy: Oh. Oh really? Have you seen her? For all we know he bought her at a bazaar with monkeys and chickens. It's all part of Chairman Mao's insidious plan to spread that Oriental blood one horny Caucasian soldier at a time.
Huff: So you're willing to lost money just so you don't have to let him go. Is that right?
Izzy: His unhappiness is the only currency I have left and I am willing to pay the price. You see how ugly sex can be, Byrd.

Byrd: [My eye] still kind of hurts though.
Izzy: Of course darling. Pain is the way of nature reminding us we should repeat bad behavior.
Huff: Yes, never rip paper out of a notebook like that again, young man.

Izzy: There's nothing sadder than men eating cereal.

(Mike the dog doesn't listen to Huff's commands but he does listen to Beth's)
Huff: Unbelievable. Unbeliveable. Dude, I walk you. I feed you. I freakin' bought you. What is with the ignoring me? Mike. Mike. Mike the dog. Unbelievable. Beth tell Mike to listen to me.

Huff: Hey Dad, you know it's nighttime and you're inside, what's with the sunglasses?
Ben: Lower your voice and sit down, will ya.
Huff: I swear you're more paranoid since you left the army than when you were in it.
Ben: You never leave, son.

Buck: Little people need love too.

Paula: Your racist friend is on line two.
Huff: [Russell's] not a racist, Paula.
Paula: He called me Lady Marmalade on the phone.
Huff: Well if your boyfriend called you that you wouldn't say he was racist, would you? I thought Lady Marmalade was a hot babe.
Paula: She is and I don't have a boyfriend. And I don't think it's fair for your friend to assume that level of familiarity with me.
Huff: Okay, so tell him.
Paula: I did. Line two. (Paula leaves)
Huff: (on the phone) Hey what's up?
Russell: What's up with Paula? Is she riding the red wave or something?