Huff Season 1 Episode 3

Izzy: (to Lois) What happened to you? Well your blood pressure finally screwed you good. Yup. A little plaque they think took a little trip up to your brain and you had a little rupture up there. You had a very bad stroke, darlin' and uh, none of use knows what it means, yet. But I am here and I'm going to stay here until Betty comes. And I'll be here as long as you want.

(Beth and Huff ask Byrd about the lipstick smears found in his underwear.)
Huff: Buddy, I'd love to help you but I just don't know where to begin.
Beth: And I don't know if I should be angry or worried.
Huff: We just don't know why you have lipstick, you know, down there.
Byrd: It's really no big deal.
Huff: Good.
Beth: Then it should be easy to tell us about it.
Byrd: I just went to a rainbow part last night at Tim's. That's totally it.
Beth: A rainbow party? Wow. Byrd, I am so glad that she feel safe enough to tell us about this. And we'll talk about it and we'll just keep talking, you know, about it. And I'm sure there's a lot that your father and I need to learn. Honey, we could join P.F.L.A.G.
Huff: Why? He's not...Oh.
Byrd: What is P.F.L.A.G.?
Beth: Parents Of Lesbians And Gays. It's a support group for parents whose children are gay.
Byrd: What?! What are you talking about? I'm not gay.
Beth: Oh. But isn't the rainbow a symbol for the gay community?
Byrd: It's a rainbow party. It's where girls wear lipstick and give guys blow jobs. That's it.
Beth: Blowjobs?!
Huff: That's it?!

Beth: Huff!
Huff: What?
Beth: There are Byrd's underpants and there's red lipstick smeared inside the front area.
Huff: No.
Beth: Yes, I just found [the lipstick] in his pants. There are the pants that he wore to Tim Winnick's last night.
Huff: Okay.
Beth: What is it?
Huff: Okay.
Beth: How did it get there?
Huff: Okay.
Beth: Is he putting lipstick on his penis. (Huff shrugs) I don't even think drag queens do that. What'll we do?
Huff: Use bleach.

Huff: So, can I get in the tub with you?
Beth: Only if you're confident you can hold your breath underwater for half an hour.
Huff: Meaning what? You want me to go down on you for half an hour or you're going to drown me.
Beth: This isn't funny.
Huff: It's a little funny.

Saleswoman: You just got robbed. You should know as well as anybody that home invasions are rampant.
Russell: I think home invasions get a bad rap. I would kill for a nice little home invasion tonight.

Beth: How about personalized topiaries made just for Kevin? I can create them in the shape of a football or a skateboard, pretty much whatever he's into.
Sheila: I don't know. I like the orchids. What do Jews do?
Beth: Well as you know a bar mitzvah is a party for kids so typically you go with something fun.
Sheila: But we're Presbyterian.
Beth: And you're throwing a bar mitzvah?
Sheila: That's right. It's the new thing. So fun?
Beth: You know, throwing a Presbyterian faux mitzvah, it's kind of a kicky idea all by itself.
Sheila: I just don't want Kevin to be ashamed of the centerpieces.
Beth: I see. Well my experience with 13 year old boys is that they don't really put a lot of thought into floral arrangements.
Sheila: Yeah, well their mothers do.

Paula: (to Huff) Okay let me get this straight. These crazy parents screw up their son. And then they send him to you to clean up their mess. You work from your heart to try to heal the child but the damage is too great so he ends up killing himself in your office. And you all call that routine. Remind me to never call either of you if I'm ever in trouble.

Paige: (about her vertigo) What if it hits while I'm doing 80 on the 405?
Huff: I don't think anyone's ever done 80 on the 405?