I Love the New Millennium Season 1 Episode 1

Michael Ian Black: (on Dennis Miller's MNF stint) I'm not looking to football for my belly laughs; I'm looking for the guys in high school who used to call me "f**" to get crippled.

Hal Sparks: The best thing about Jackass was all the kids that didn't kill themselves watching Beavis & Butt-Head had a second chance.

Greg Fitzsimmons: The great thing about Big Mouth Billy Bass is you get two songs, and if you time it right you can f*** him in the mouth.

Tom Papa: The main lesson I learned from CSI is, as excited as you will be when you're killing someone, wait to ***** off until you get home.

Kathleen Madigan: Cribs was interesting for about three episodes. And then I realized, 'a-ha! Every house, same thing': stripper pole,
Brad Sherwood: shark tank,
Freddy Lockhart: Cristal in the fridge,
Kathleen Madigan: Scarface poster.

Michael Ian Black: Speaking nonpartisanly, Al Gore won the vote, and then that f***, Bush, stole it.

Ron Jeremy: I thought [Gladiator] was a phenomenal movie. It won Best Picture, too. That's why it was worthy of a satire: Glad-He-Ate-Her. We do that a lot in porn.

Amy Lee: ["Who Let the Dogs Out"] won a Grammy? That won a Grammy?

Dee Snider: "Who Let the Dogs Out?" is about guys going to a club and only ugly girls being there.

Rachel Quaintance: (on Survivor) I don't like being outdoors, so to be able to sit in my home and watch other people suffer was really, really fantastic for me.

Michael Ian Black: (on Dude, Where's My Car?) Hal [Sparks], Seann William Scott, Ashton Kutcher—that's an all-star team right there. That's varsity level—at a bad school, but still varsity level.

Jo Koy: (pretending to be TiVo) 'Yeah, you like Three's Company, well I also recorded Square Pegs. You're welcome.'

Hal Sparks: I have what's called "CSI panic," 'cause I'm afraid a team of people will come in with blue lights and go over my house and find out what a disgusting bastard I am.

Dee Snider: (on Big Mouth Billy Bass) I don't know how anybody made it out of the store with one of these. It's old by the time you get to the cash register.

Kevin Weisman: (on TiVo) I put my name in there, just to track my residuals. Is that sad?