I Love the New Millennium Season 1 Episode 1

Gilbert Gottfried: There was one moment that was truly touching and beautiful. When they announced his first 'not guilty' verdict a woman released a white dove. What killed that moment is when Michael Jackson caught the dove and f***ed it.

John Aboud: (on Pirates of the Caribbean) Orlando Bloom really should rethink signing on to projects where he will be out-acted by a monkey.
Michael Colton: Man, some Orlando Bloom hatin' goin' on.
John Aboud: For no reason, really.
Michael Colton: Nah, he sucks.
John Aboud: Yeah, f*** him.

Rachel Quaintance: I love when people hate America, but then they, like, so pine for the things that we have here, like Saddam with his Doritos.
Steve Bridges: (imitating President Bush) Where was he getting his Doritos? Is the 7-Eleven in Baghdad back yet? And if they did, was it some Caucasian fellow working there?

Wil Wheaton: The Lord of the Rings trilogy restored balance to The Force after the Star Wars prequels ruined everything that was awesome about being a nerd at the movies.

Michael Ian Black: I never understood how Michael Jackson could stay so popular until I saw his fans. And his fans are f****** crazy!

Jake Fogelnest: (on the McGriddle) I always feel good about ingesting a bread that has an embossment.

Chris Jericho: (on the McGriddle) We have now gone into the future. The Jetsons-era meal where everything is all combined into one.

Jake Fogelnest: [Clay Aiken]'s a very tiny little man...
Loni Love: ...with these bifocal glasses on.
Jenna von Oy: He's got really red hair.
Michael Ian Black: He looked like Pippi Longstocking...
Jake Fogelnest: ...with the voice of a large black woman.

Molly Culver: I don't even know what [Clay Aiken's] appeal is, 'cause I don't think he has any. I just like it... him... it.

Shanna Moakler: I was obsessed with [Joe Millionaire]. I was so obsessed with it that I found out I was pregnant on the finale, and I literally peed on the stick, and I put the stick down because I was, like, 'I have to go see who he's gonna pick!'

Freddy Lockhart: In 2003 Michael Jackson was accused of child molestation... again.

Luenell: (on 50 Cent's "In da Club") I'm just so daggone glad we have a new birthday song, 'cause "Happy Birthday to You" is played, already.

Calros Alazraqui: [Dave Chappelle]'s black Klansman bit was probably one of the most brilliant sketches ever put on TV.

Rachel Quaintance: I remember [Arnold Schwarzenneger] really tying in every single awful, cheesy quote from his crappy movies and, like, using them to spin, you know, wonderful things. 'Hasta la vista to minimum wage.'

Chris Booker: 'Have I seen the Paris Hilton sex tape?' Are you on crack? Of course I've seen the Paris Hilton sex tape.

Ant: The king of all metrosexuals, easily, has got to be Ryan Seacrest.

Michael Ian Black: The nice thing about this show is every decade there's something else to say about Michael Jackson.

Michael Ian Black: (wearing a trucker hat) There was a moment in time when this, inexplicably, was all the rage.

Greg Fitzsimmons: Paris Hilton was a pioneer. She started the whole new 'rich whore' thing.

Michael Ian Black: (on the metrosexual trend) It's like combining the heterosexuality of a straight guy with the intelligence of a gay guy.