iCarly

Freddie: (to Carly and Sam) Hello, ladies. Or should I say lady and Sam? (Sam squirts cheese in his face; Carly takes the can from her) Sam: Hey! Carly: You can have this back when you learn to handle squirtable cheese responsibly.

Freddie: How are we going to do rehearsal if she won't stop texting Jonah? Carly: (bends down next to Sam) Hi, I'm Carly. And I'm Sam. And this is a new segment we like to call, OBSESSIVELY TEXTING YOUR BOYFRIEND!

Spencer: (walking into the room) Okay, Mr. Space Hamster, we're- (notices Jonah holding the clay alien) OHHHH MY GOD!!! MY MOVIE IS RUINED! I have to start all over again, and my deadline's in less than twenty-four hours! (snatches the alien from Jonah) Jonah: Ha. Look, its arm came off! Spencer: Ha! Yeah, why don't you stay for dinner and rip my heart out!!

Jonah: Carly, when you're doing the wig bit, you gotta act more like Sam. Carly: Weird. I thought I was acting like Sam! Jonah: Have you ever thought about taking acting lessons? (Carly and Freddie just stare at each other)

Sam: (as Carly) Hi! I'm Carly. I live with my brother Spencer, I do my homework, and I shower every day. Jonah: (laughing) Oh, good one! Carly: (as Sam) I'm Sam! I do bad things, harass people, and eat everything that doesn't eat me first!

(Sam's cell phone rings from inside Carly's locker, and Sam reaches for it) Carly: If you try to open the locker, I will bite your hand off!

Carly: (about Sam) She blew off iCarly rehearsals so she could go play with Jonah?! Freddie: Well, I know how we can get back at her! Carly: Huh? Freddie: You and I should start dating! That way- Carly: FREDDIE! Freddie: I know...

Freddie: How are we going to rehearse if she won't quit texting Jonah! Carly: Maybe like this? (goes over to Sam) Hi! I'm Carly. (pretending to be Sam) And this is a new bit we like to call OBSESSIVELY TEXTING YOUR BOYFRIEND!

(Sam's cell phone rings) Sam: Oh! It's Jonah, SHHH! Carly: I wasn't even talking.

Carly: (entering the room) Hi! Sam: Hey! Spencer: Aw! You made me slice the head off of my space hamster! Sam: Space hamster? Carly: I thought our government cancelled the Space Hamster Program.

Sam: Okay, okay. I know. He probably had a fever and didn't know what he was saying. Carly: Will you stop and just be happy that Jonah asked you out? Sam: But why would he ask me out? Carly: Why wouldn't he? Sam: Well, you know, some boys find me kind of...abrasive. Carly: (sarcastically) No! Sam: It's true!

Freddie: So um, why don't you ask Sam out? Jonah: Kay, I will! Thanks for hooking me up. Freddie: (looks confused) I'm talking about the blonde one.

Freddie: Hey, Jonah! Jonah: Hey, what's up? Freddie: You remember that girl that was with me when you gave me back my notes? Jonah: Yeah, she seems cool. Cute, too! Freddie: I'm talking about the blonde one! Jonah: Yeah, I know. Her name's Sam, right? Freddie: (awkwardly) Right. So um, I hear she... kinda likes you. Jonah: Does she? Tell me about her. Freddie: Sure! Well she's...she's.. got...really great teeth! Jonah: That's great, but what's she like? Freddie: Well, she's...like...she's really nice...cool...pleasant to be around. (Freddie looks ill) Jonah: Man, are you okay? You look kind of sick!

Carly: Please? For me? Freddie: Don't do that. Carly: What? Freddie: You think whenever you say "Please? For me?" that I'll just do anything you want! Not this time! Carly: Please? For me? Freddie: Okay.

Carly: Tell Jonah to ask Sam out. Freddie: No! Jonah never did anything bad to me!

Carly: Freddie, do you believe in love at first sight? Freddie: (excitedly) Yes! I do! I always did! Carly: I mean that Sam likes your friend Jonah. Freddie: Oh...

Carly: You love Jonah! Sam: Kinda. He's so cool! Carly: Then you should ask him to hang out. Sam: Nah, a guy like that won't want to hang out with me. Carly: Why not? He makes chicken noises and bothers other children. He's perfect for you! Sam: Forget it. I gotta go squirt cheese down Gibby's pants before class. (walking away) Gibby! Don't you run, Gibby! GIBBY!

Sam: Freddie, go to your locker. Freddie: Why? I don't need to go to- Sam: (points can of cheese at him) Go to your locker! Freddie: Okay...okay...okay! (leaves)

(Sam squirts some cheese from a can and eats it) Carly: Hey. What's that? Sam: Lunch. Carly: (takes can from Sam) Lowfat cheese in a can? This is what your mom gave you for lunch? Sam: Hey, I'm just happy she woke up before noon!

Freddie: (to Carly and Sam) Hello, ladies! Or should I say, lady and Sam. (Sam squirts him with cheese)