An excited Schwartz tells everyone that he got hired for his big TV job as SportsAholics' field reporter, a "stunningly average" guy who mingles with pro athletes in a new segment "Bright Lights, Average Joe." Decked out in football gear and introduced by anchors Kelsie Anders and Kyle Jakes, his introductory assignment is catching a pass from Ken O'Brien. Instead of catching it, however, he gets knocked out by it. After being made the episode's comic relief, a battered and bruised Schwartz picks himself up, and braces himself for his next bit - hitting a pitch by the Diamondbacks' Randy Johnson. Julie gets an idea from a commercial for City Rentals, a service that pays big bucks to people renting out their apartments to anti-hotel business travellers, and tells Schwartz that she plans to scam the company into believing she's going to Japan. But when he won't let her stay there, she turns to David and Emily, and Emily buys into the sob story that a pipe in her apartment burst. Schwartz is stunned to learn that he's not taking one from Randy Johnson, he's taking one from Randi Johnson, a little girl. Not finding the humor, he asks his boss, A.J., why they think it's funny to have him massacre a girl -- unaware that said girl is about to massacre him. Although the show keeps making him their whipping boy, the pay and exposure are too good for Schwartz to quit. That is, until they get him to put on a sequined unitard. When he threatens to walk, A.J. calls his bluff, and agrees to let him fill in for Kyle. Julie's jig is up after Emily answers her cell phone. When his teleprompter is shut off live on the air, Schwartz launches into a tirade to let the world know that no one else there -- not even his co-anchor -- knows a thing about sports. That's when he finds out that he unplugged the teleprompter with his foot. After getting fired, Schwartz has a change of heart, and takes in Julie, whose tenant wants to stay for six more months.