Season 1 Episode 5

Unnatural Selection

Aired Wednesday 10:00 PM Oct 19, 2005 on ABC

Episode Fan Reviews (9)

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  • I'm writing this review as I watch the episode so I don't forget any main points...Let's see how it goes...

    Ok...7 seconds into the show I gotta hit the ol' pause button. Is this Rose we see wandering the swamps of the Florida Everglades by herself? How old is this kid? 6? I have a 7 year old who doesn't go down the street by herself and we live in the suburbs.

    I've said it before in my past reviews of this show and I'll say it again now...even in absence of alien lifeforms lurking in the water, is no one in Florida wary of entering unfamiliar areas of swampy water? Are they not afraid of getting eaten by an alligator or crocodile or whatever else lurks out there? What about snakes or sinkholes or poisonous other crap? Every episode, someone is diving into the water to "check things out" whether its an upturned camper, or a skeleton (hello, alarm bells there folks...stop leaning over the edge and get your ass fully on board the boat), or some glowing freaky lights or whatever. The first reaction these idiots have is to go slogging out into the water to check it out (well, unless they dive in head first that is).

    Now we have a little girl wandering on her own in the swamp? Good Lord! Someone call Child Protective Services and figure out why she's being allowed to roam the frigging swamps like this! Idiots!! (By the term, "idiots", I'm referring, of course to the writers, not the characters. The characters are innocent of any wrongdoings as they are only being forced to make completely unbelievable and asinine decisions every episode by writers who think the public is too dumb to notice).

    Ok....first 7 seconds down...let's keep watching...

    Sigh...Ok...something apparantly comes out of the water or pokes its head out or something. Rose has a completely bland expressionless face. Yeah. That's believable. Most kids are calm and rational when freaky stuff starts to happen. You in Kill Bill 1, when the little girls walks in the kitchen and sees her mother lying dead in the floor and seems to be about as interested as if there was nothing there at all? Yeah. Kids haven't figured out emotions by the time they get shipped off to elementary school. They don't learn to freak out until college I think. Sigh.

    Ok...mixed feelings now. Good, Rose came back excited because she saw the light in the water. YAY...she DOES have emotions. The next scene, after being warned of lights in the water, Dad, brilliant individual that he is, and one of the few people to have a good idea how scary the stuff in the water really is, runs knee deep into the water!!! GAH!!! Stop it you stupid writers. You're killing me. What exactly would he be hoping to accomplish by running into the water up to his knees?

    "I'm a gonna catch me that light. And then I'm a gonna hang it over muh mantle ta show all the fellers what I done did caught."


    If nothing else, do these people not mind walking around in soaking wet jeans? You ever been in the rain and gotten your jeans soaked? It feels horrible. That alone should keep them outta the water. But here goes old Russell....running into the water to chase a light...a LIGHT people...a light that obviously isn't even there anymore. GAH!

    Oh, and Larkin has an ex-"friend" in the Air Force? Convenient. Again, I say, Sigh.

    Ok...we're about 2 minutes into the show...let's see what comes next.

    YAY!!! Something that makes perfect sense! And I quote Jesse Varon, "Yeah. Why didn't you tell me about this? Probably coulda saved me a trip to the hospital." Awesome!!! Russell deserved that in a major way. Something freaky is going on. There's dangerous stuff in the water. His wife is a frigging news reporter with resources to get to the bottom of things and his kids are in a dangerous environment and he keeps it all to himself. Idiot!!! (writers that is). People just don't keep stuff that big to themselves. They just don't. He'd have told someone close to him. Larkin and Jesse at least should have been told even if Russell is the sort of bozo who wouldn't tell. Bottom line, he deserved the jab Jesse took at him in a big way.

    Sigh....Russell is gonna build the tree house and tells Rose she's not going down by the water till they figure out what's in there. I'll tell ya what's in there. Gators, ded-gummit!!! Gators and snakes and varmits!!!! It's no place for a flippin' 6 year old to be hanging out with or without aliens.

    Moving on...

    Jesse wants to stay at Russell's house cause his mom is never home. And when she is home, it's like she's never there anyway. Ok...Jesse is what, like 16 or so? Isn't that pretty much every 16 year old's ultimate state of being? Hanging out at home sans parent influence? I don't know, but when I was that age, I don't remember being particularly bummed if my mommy didn't spend enough time with me. But, the writers needed to drop yet another hint to those brain-dead, glue-sniffing few out there who have not been beaten over the head by the plethora of clues that something is -gasp- up with Dr. Mariel Underlay!!! (cue ominous music)


    So Larkin is driving around the base with her conveniently placed ex-whatever who we now find out is pretty dang high up the ladder at the base he is stationed at (imagine that). They drive up to the O.S.I. building and she asks what it is. He tells her...Office of Special Investigation...and no sooner do the words escape his lips than the ominous music begins playing in the background. How heavy-handed do we need to be here exactly? How about building some suspense or letting her spend actually do some investigative reporting to find out what's going on.

    "Nah, why bother?" say the clever writers. "She's a hot chick. We can say she has an ex-boyfriend who can take her directly to the source of the story. She couldn't possibly have a brain in her head and be able to figure it out on her own. Just use the clever "ex-boyfriend" angle and we're covered."

    Sigh...lazy, lazy writing. Reminds me of Independence day where Jeff Goldblum is the only guy on earth who can figure out what the aliens are doing and his ex-wife is conveniently the chief assistant of the President of the United States.

    To quote the Church Lady.....Con-VEEEEEN-ient...

    The response to Mariel asking about Tom..."You're never going to lose him. Ever." Ok...gonna skate right on past the ham-fisted clues as to the priest involvement with whatever is going on since that's been obvous for several episodes now. I'm just gonna briefly comment on what a ridiculous thing this would be for a priest to promise with such absolute finality in real life. The comment isn't what bothers me so much.

    It's Mariel's reaction to it.

    If someone told me that I would never lose my wife. EVER. I'd look at them like they had a foot growing out of their nose. "Say what? How the heck would you know for sure if I'm never gonna lose my wife...ever?" How can someone possibly sit there and have someone promise them something that unpromisable and accept it with a straight face? I dunno...maybe I should ask Mariel because that's exactly what she does.

    Ok...I gotta retract my previous comments about Larkin possibly being intelligent enough to investigate this story on her own. Her ex-boyfriend leaves her in a room 3 feet away from a military personnel person of some sort and says that he'll be back in 2 minutes and to stay put.

    Count em folks...that's 120 seconds...assuming he doesn't come back sooner. She figures "Oh heck, 2 minutes...that's plenty of time to sneak across a military compound, break into a building with an ominous sounding name like Office of Special Investigation (doors won't be locked and there certainly won't be guards or anything), crack this story wide open and come back before loverboy even knows I'm missing." Again I say...Idiot!!!

    I gotta ask at this point as well, under what pretense did she arrange to come visit this guy? And how much free time does he have when says he's supposedly pretty much in charge of half the dang base that he can block off a few hours of quality time to spend with an old flame the same day she suddenly calls out of the blue? Man...if military jobs allow that much free time, I'm in the wrong business! Lucy McKittrick was pulled from the water after the hurricane and was somehow...changed. I wonder...and stop me if you think I might be going too far out on a limb here...but I wonder if maybe people are being dragged into the water and somehow...changed?


    You're telling me that's the whole point of the whole Carl and Lucy story this episode? To give us the same dang clue we already have? How many people have been pulled from the water and changed now? I've lost count. I thought maybe Carl had discovered something. A new clue that no one else had heard of yet. I thought maybe the good sheriff killed him to silence him. I had hoped that we would then slowly learn over the next few episodes what Carl knew. But no...all this was, was yet another person being dragged into the water and changed. Wonderful. Hey...maybe next episode, they can have someone be dragged into the water and, I don't know, maybe they can be changed or something? That would be cool!!!

    ARGH!!! FOUL!!!! NO WAY!! Larkin found an unlocked, unguarded door into a frigging military helicopter hanger? Ok....I admit. I pretty much knew she would. I also know she'll be busted before the episode is over. But I'll pretend to be surprised when it happens.

    Let me do a quick calculation here.
    24 hours in the day.
    60 minutes in an hour.
    That should be 1,440 minutes in a day right?

    Ok...assuming she was lucky enough to show up on the same day that the little lockerbox things are being (un)loaded in the hangar, she has a 1 in 1,440 chance of the one minute that she is in the hangar being the same 1 minute in which they (un)load those little lockerbox thingees. Ahh convenience..thou art the lifesblood of shoddy writing.

    ARGH!!! I cry FOUL again!!! The soldier unloading the lockerbox thingees in the hangar saw someone. He used his radio to report it. When Larkin left, she SLAMMED the hangar door shut. She was gone well over the 2 minutes that Vince asked her to wait. The guy working where Vince told her to stay put had to have heard Vince tell her to stay put and had to know she ran off. And now we see Vince dropping her off completely unaware that anything happened? Huh??? Why the heck did they bother having the guard seem to have seen anything? What the heck is this? Does anyone out there buy this entire scenario even for a second? Does anyone else recognize this for the garbage that it is? ARGH!!!

    Hmm...shadowy figures following her. I can only HOPE that this is someone investigating her interest in the hangar. But somehow I doubt it. The military doesn't seem likely to employ a couple of private dicks or whatever to trail a reporter. They'd have arrested her on the spot and been done with it. But at least there's hope. Maybe the writers have recognized this plot hole and intend to fill it with silly putty or something.

    Ok...the church group is pretty much a cult that will prep the "survivors" for whatever the heck it is they're supposed to do. Nifty. Russell now has a treehouse that he can look at the swamp from. Nifty.

    I do believe I'm done with this show after this episode. I'm not going to comment further on how ludicrous it is. I've done that enough in this review. Suffice it to say, I haven't had my intelligence insulted this much since Middle School P.E.
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