Philip: Could this day be any more of a nightmare?
Mace: Uh--Phil, I gotta go to the bathroom.
Audrey: She looks like a sheepdog that licked a lightsocket.
Liz: See, our parents have things in common!
Bobby: Creepy things. Ugh!
Simon: Liz, in 20 years, Philip and I have never missed the oscars. It's kind of our thing.
Philip: Is that a hard candy? Simon, you know the rules about noisy food!
Simon: The bar it is.
Philip: JUST a show? Is the Superbowl JUST another baseball game?
Mace: Ok, that's not just gay. That's stupid!
Philip: Oh, hey! There's Joan Rivers! But--there's no sound.
Mace: Isn't that a good thing?
Audrey: (to Maddy) You're not even married and you already have a game plan for adultrey? When you go to church do you just hear a loud buzzing sound in your head?
Maddy: Uh huh.
Mace: Are you outta your freaking mind? I mean...please?
Philip: Why are Kong and son of Kong running amok in my den?
Simon: Hey look, it's Jack Nicholson, something's gotta give, and I think it's his pants!
(People in waiting room laugh)
Simon: OH YEAH, I'M BACK!
Simon: Hey, look at Tom Cruise's haircut! What's that about?
Liz: Ahaha, ahaha, ahah...
Simon: Liz, you don't have to keep laughing.
Simon: Hey, look at Renée Zellweger! Those are a couple of cold mountains!
John: You can't even hear Joan Rivers!
Lenny: Isn't that a good thing?
This episode was one of several network-mandated "theme" episodes, part of ABC synergy to promote the Oscars, airing on the network. Other ABC shows had similarly themed episodes that week.