Charlie: Seriously, dude. Don't ever poop in our bed again.
Artemis: Deandra! You wanted in on this poop war from the start.
Dee: No, I didn't.
Artemis: The outcast. The slut. The bitch. The whore. The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy whore.
Frank: What motive could a man possibly have for pooping where he sleeps? I love that bed.
Charlie: Don't buy this act. Frank, I will jam that poop right back up your ass where it came from.
Dee: Hi, can we get three Cosmos, please?
Waitress: Actually, make mine a water.
Dee: Water? We're in a bar.
Waitress: Yeah, well, I have a drinking problem.
Dee: Wow, that's a horribly unattractive thing to announce to everybody.
Waitress: Who is she again?
Dee: Oh, that's Artemis. She's the sassy one who always plays by her own rules.
Artemis: Guys are playing hard to get. I'm gonna take off my bra, blastin' my nips!
(A drunk Waitress is helping herself to drinks at Paddy's Pub)
Dennis: You're paying for that.
Charlie: She doesn't have to pay for that.
Dennis: Yes, she does.
Waitress: Bite me, asshole.
Dee: Wow. You have a bad attitude when you're drinking.
Waitress: You have a bad attitude when you're drinking you huge-footed slut.
Artemis: Name's Artemis. I have a bleached asshole.
Dee: You're not going to go out with me 'cause these idiots found two poopies in a bed?
Dennis: Yeah, Dee. But it's not the poop. It's the mystery behind the poop.
Mac: Can we move on to the DNA test?
Charlie: Yeah, can we do a DNA test?
Dennis: That's a good idea.
Frank: DNA's good.
College Student: Yeah, I can't do that.
Dennis: What do you mean? Aren't you a Scientist?
Charlie: Yeah, do it?
College Student: No, I'm an Econ major. I just wanted to look at some poop.
Charlie: Why did you do that, dude?!
Frank: Because poop is funny.
Waitress: I have a drinking problem.
Dee: Well, then, you should know how to hold your booze a little better.
Waitress: I'll hold your boobs a little better.
Waitress: Why would I ever go out with you? I hate you.
Dee: I know. I hate you, too. That's the way girls are. We're catty. We backstab and talk about each other behind our backs and stalk. Don't you remember how Samantha and Carrie and the dykey redhead used to do that kind of fun stuff?
Frank: Charlie, we sleep ass to ass, you know that.
College Student: Hey... you got turd?
Dee: Hey, you guys, what are you doing tonight?
Dennis: What the hell kind of question is that?
Mac: Yeah, you're asking us to predict the future, Dee. How can I predict the future?
Charlie: Well, yesterday we wake up and there's a piece of poop right in the middle of me and Frank, okay?
Dennis: Wait a minute, so this happened two nights in a row?
Charlie: Yeah, man! So we threw the first piece of poop out 'cause big deal, whatever. Accidents happen, right? But then this morning, there's another piece of poop in the exact same spot. Now, Frank says it's not him, and I say it's not me, but you bet your ass it's one of us.
Dee: So Artemis, where'd you get that great top?
Artemis: Burmington Coat Factory. I got it on sale. It's irregular.
Artemis: Yeah, I'll take a Jägerbomb.
Dee: No, no, Jägerbombs.
Artemis: Fine, Irish carbomb.
Artemis: Sake bomb?
Dee: No! Okay, no. Nothing with "bombs" in the name, okay?
Mac: He was turtle-heading. Turtle-heading!
Dennis: I sleep in a king-sized bed by myself.
Frank: Ooh. Oh.
Dennis: When I have to go to the bathroom, I use a toilet.
Charlie: Look... at... He... Dennis on his bed made for kings with his toilet made of gold. Okay, Your Majesty.
Dennis: She just watched that stupid Sex and the City movie.
As Dennis pointed out, Dee's plans during the episode mimic those from the television show and the movie, Sex and the City.