Jack & Jill

Mrs. Zane: Have you thought about what you'll do in the event that things don't work out in the long run? Audrey: Well, actually I thought I'd snag a young medical student and get him to marry me before he realizes what a low-brow loser I am. Would you pass me the salt please?

Mrs. Zane: Lovely girl. Speaks three languages. Barto: And she's pretentious in all of them.

Jack: Thank you. Jill: For what? Jack: I don't know. Jill: You're welcome.

Elisa: I slept with a total stranger. I must have been insane. Mikey: He wasn't a stranger, you knew his name. Elisa: Only his first name. Mikey: Well, I always find that's the important one to know.

Mikey: We've all done it, Elisa. Even without the song. We're horny, we're lonely, mostly I think we're optimistic.

Jack: I spent the entire night in a laundry room. I am not leaving with dirty sheets.

Audrey: (To Barto) I don't care what your parents think about me. I care what they think YOU think about me.

Jack: Hey, try the window again. Jill: I will not try the window again. The window is made of kryptonite.

Jack: We could starve, or dehydrate or freeze to death. Jill: Or we could skip all that and just kill ourselves. You first.

Audrey: Are you kidding me? One apartment per floor? Barto: Yeah, it's less confusing that way.

Jill: Who keeps their cell-phone fully charged? Jack: I do! Jill: Where is it? Jack: In the charger.

Jill: (To Jack) It's like there's a little phys. ed. teacher inside your brain with a clipboard and a whistle.

Mikey: Through the eyes of Dr. and Mrs. Zane, some things just don't mix: religion and politics, martinis and hot dogs, precious sons in med school and blonde shiksa dancers...