Jack & Jill Season 2 Episode 3

Mikey: A party is a terrible thing to waste.

Jill: This marriage stuff is tricky.
Jack: Mm.
Jill: Let's make a pact... that we'll pull it off.
Jack: I think that's the idea behind the wedding vows.

Barto: I want to be your friend.
Audrey: Well, good, 'cause I have this old boyfriend who's really pissing me off.

Mikey: What did you think of Ken?
Elisa: What did I think of Ken? I think Ken is a human sleeping pill.

Jill: Hey, mom, I'm all grown up now. How about you quit trying to teach me to see the good in people.
Hannah: Okay.
Jill: Just commiserate with me, okay?

Jack: I thought maybe you and my dad cou...
Jill: No. No, not if you promised me sex twice a day for the rest of our natural lives.

Jack: I was thinking maybe we can have a do-over on this whole parents thing?
Jill: You mean pick new ones?

Jack: I can't believe you didn't go home.
Jill: I guess I fell asleep while I was sitting here trying to figure out who should apologize.
Jack: Me.
Jill: That's where I was going.

Jack: They're gonna be around for every single birthday and holiday for the rest of our lives.
Jill: Can't we just keep Christmas a secret like you did our engagement?

Barto: High pressure time, bro. When Audrey met my parents that was the beginning of the end.
Mikey: What about the cheating?
Barto: And then there was that.

Jack: When did you tell your mom about me?
Jill: The day we met.
Jack: Yeah, well, what'd you say?
Jill: What did I say? Oh, yeah, that I was gonna marry you. Huh.

Jack: I can explain.
Jill: No, you can't.