Jack & Jill Season 1 Episode 1

Jack: (to her mom) Who are you? Kathy Lee Gifford?

Jill: You know what? I'm a horrible person. I'm a dishonest ungrateful two-timing horrible person.

Audrey: I didn't sleep with him... He's coming over after the show tonight, and I'm going to not sleep with him again.

Jack: Okay, in fairy tales, sometimes the girl meets the wandering prince just moments after she tells the ugly frog
to kiss off. But sometimes, it's just another ugly frog.
Jill: I bet you didn't know there was a real Jack and Jill. Yep. Somewhere in Wales, or Ireland, or something. They really did go up a hill to get some water. And had a freak accident. I don't know what happened next.

Barto: You're not borrowing my scrubs to meet women.

Jack: I'm Jacqueline Barrett, friends call me Jack.
Jill: Hey, David Jillefsky, my friends call me Jill. I guess we know what our friends are gonna call us together.

Jack: It was like girlfriends at first site. If you're a girl, you know what I mean.

Jill: Do you like toys?
Jack: In what sense?

Jack: Life's funny. One minute you're a bride-to-be, the next, you're an urban legend.

Jill (V/O): It started out like "Jack and Jill," but we didn't go up a hill – we just knew the hill was there. You couldn't miss it. It was a very big hill... for all of us.

Mikey: No, seriously. Here's the thing.
Barto: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, this is gonna be good.
Mikey: If one guy makes that domestic move, you know, domestically, it gives the guys he hangs with sort of, um, an air of maturity, by proxy kind of, you know?
Barto: Maturity by proxy.
Mikey: Absolutely.
Barto: I see, right. And is that kinda like having a life by proxy - as long as your friends have one, you don't have to?

Choreographer: And one, two, huh, huh.
Jack (V/O): Okay, so I did know one person in New York. Audrey and I were good friends in high school, but when everyone else went to college to discover themselves, Audrey went to New York to be discovered.
Director: Moss, get your leg up! Audrey, too suggestive.
Jack (V/O): Audrey had lost her virginity before the rest of us even knew we had it.
Choreographer: Hit it, ha, huh! Good, you guys take five. That was good.
Director: Alright, let's take five.

(after learning that Jack left her fiancee)
Mr. Barrett: Should of encouraged her to be a lesbian.