Jim Rome is Burning - Season 1

Follow
Weekdays 4:30 PM on ESPN Premiered Jun 01, 2003 In Season

USER EDITOR

thefanof

User Score: 3027

Episode Guide

  • March 2, 2005
    March 2, 2005
    Episode 56
    3/2/05
    10
  • March 1, 2005
    March 1, 2005
    Episode 55
    3/1/05
    0.0
  • January 25, 3005
    January 25, 3005
    Episode 54
    1/25/05
    0.0
  • January 24, 2005
    January 24, 2005
    Episode 53
    1/24/05
    0.0
  • January 23, 2005
    January 23, 2005
    Episode 52
    1/23/05
    0.0
  • January 22, 2005
    January 22, 2005
    Episode 51
    1/22/05
    0.0
  • January 21, 2005
    January 21, 2005
    Episode 50
    1/21/05
    0.0
  • January 18, 2005
    January 18, 2005
    Episode 49
    1/18/05
    0.0
  • January 17, 2005
    January 17, 2005
    Episode 48
    1/17/05
    0.0
  • January 18, 2005
    January 18, 2005
    Episode 47
    1/18/05
    0.0
  • January 15, 2005
    January 15, 2005
    Episode 46
    1/15/05
    0.0
  • January 14, 2005
    January 14, 2005
    Episode 45
    1/14/05
    0.0
  • January 6, 2005
    January 6, 2005
    Episode 44
    1/6/05
    0.0
    Of course Kobe Bryant showed up on ESPN, not once but twice this week to spin and posture. Thats what he does. When it all hits the fan and his image takes a beating, he goes in front of the camera and says he just cant understand why everyone is so upset. He doesnt know why everyone is so hard on him, and why hes under the microscope. As always, he cops to nothing, and shows no responsibility or accountability whatsoever. Manipulating and maneuvering as always. Everyone else is wrong, but he is right. Typical Bryant. Incredibly predictable and Im not buying it. Not only is Bryant possibly the NBAs best player, he might also be the Associations biggest rat. First he rolled on Shaq ONeal telling authorities the daddy threw down a million bucks in hush money to make his problems go away, and that he should do the same thing. And now come to find out, after accusing Karl Malone of trying to pick up on his wife, Bryant told Malones wife, Kay, that Karl was running around on her. Dude, just because your house is a mess doesnt mean you need to run around wrecking everyone elses. The guy has now violated the code, not once but twice. If Im one of Bryants teammates, theres no way Id trust him. And if Im a potential free agent, Im not coming anywhere near LA. Once you get labeled a snitch, thats an impossible rap to shake. The New York Mets willingness to guarantee Pedro Martinez $53 million over four years is idiocy. Theyll be lucky to get 50 wins out of the guy for that $53 mil. Hes a six inning guy, that goes deep into counts and cant finish guys the way he used to. Sure youd want a guy like that on your staff, but not at that price. I was shocked the Sox were willing to even guarantee him a third year. And if Pete led Boston to believe a third year would seal the deal, and then used it to get a fourth out of New York, then thats dirty pool. That prima donna act wont play in New York on a bad Mets team the way it did in Boston with the Sox. The media will carve him up. I dont want to hear that the New York giants should put Eli Manning on the bench before his confidence is completely shattered or he gets killed on the field. One, hes not going to die. At least I dont think he will. Two, you cant learn anything by standing on the sideline holding a clipboard. Granted, he has been horrible and he is getting worse, but hes going to have to fight his way out of it. Fact is, they should have never gone to him as early as they did. They were 5-4 at the time, and in the NFC, that practically made them a Super Bowl favorite. They made their decision and now they have live with it. He needs to learn on the job and if that means getting punched in the mouth a few hundred more times and throwing another 15 picks before the end of the year so be it. Theyre not going anywhere anyway. Basketball is a drug to Rick Majerus and in the end he just had to feed that jones. Thats why hes accepted the USC coaching job. Talking hoops on TV is not the same as being in the gym, working players out, putting together game plans and breaking down tape. And like any addict, Majerus is going to put getting high ahead of whats good for him. The crack addict knows he shouldnt hit the glass dique again, but he cant stop. Thats how it is for the big man. Coaching is probably not good for Majerus. The lifestyle definitely is not good for Majerus. But he cant stop. Rising, Ty Willingham who landed on his feet at Washington. This is a good gig for Ty and a good hire for the school. Willingham knows the area, has had success in the conference, has a nice chip on his shoulder now and is going to win some games there. And more than anything else, hell be free of those ridiculous and unreasonable expectations that got him run out of South Bend to begin with. Regardless of the spin coming out of South Bend, there is no way they would have broken off Ty Willingham if they knew they were going to have to settle for Charlie Weis. They fired Willingham because they thought they had Urban Meyer. And if youre going to whack a solid guy like Willingham you better end up with Meyer or Steve Mariucci or Jeff Ted ford. You dont fire Willingham to hire a guy with no head coaching experience. Notre Dame is not the place to go to learn on the job. You cant hire a guy just because he went to school there. What, Rudy Reuttiger didnt want the job? Actress Sharon Stone is suing a doctor saying he falsely claimed that she had a face lift and that it has ruined her career. That ruined your career? Allegations that you had your grill yanked back a few feet is the reason you cant get any work? Either that or the fact that youve gone completely insane and have become an ordained minister. One or the other. Look, reverend, half this town has had it grills shot full of botox and carved up and their phones are still ringing. Maybe you should do the same thing. Face it, after letting it all hang out in Basic Instinct, there was no place left for you to go. Except maybe Chatsworth. Now stop marrying people, your holiness, and stop feeding your husbands feet to lizards in the zoo.moreless
  • December 23, 2004
    December 23, 2004
    Episode 43
    12/23/04
    0.0
    Karl Malone is furious with Kobe Bryant and says that's the reason that he's not returning to the Lakers. Malone reportedly is bent that Bryant went on a radio show and said that he didn't think Malone would be back and that his failure to return wasn't fair to the guys who were there. Clearly, something happened between Bryant and Malone. Malone wouldn't blow up a bridge in LA over one radio interview. Something happened between the two of them. Bryant has run off Shaq O'Neal, Philip and now the mailman. And I guarantee some of the new Lakers are already tired of him. Go ask Lamar Odom how much he likes being a Laker. Ask him if he enjoys never touching the ball. Trust me, Malone won't be the last guy Bryant runs off. MLB players have given union leaders the go ahead to reach an agreement with owners on tougher testing for steroids. It was either that, or just go the other way and open the flood gates completely. Let them take whatever, whenever they want. I mean how great would it be to see Barry Bonds in the on deck circle, chugging 'the clear' and furiously rubbing 'the cream' all over his body before his next at bat? Let's just see how big Jason Giambi's head can get. I'd like to see him make a run at having the world's first double digit sized dome. That's what I really want to see. But short of that I'll just settle for them cleaning up their sport. Speaking of bonds, I'm not saying he lied when he said he didn't know what 'the cream' and 'the clear' were, I'm just saying I don't believe him. I'm just saying I'm not a moron and he should stop insulting me. Actually, I guess I am saying he's lying. Didn't know?! How could he not know? Look, if he didn't know, it's because he didn't want to know, and if he didn't want to know, it's because he already did know. And if he didn't know, wouldn't he have figured it out right around the time he started outgrowing his hats and batting helmets, started growing muscles on his forehead, and realized he could bench press SBC Park. Didn't know? Stop treating me like I'm stupid because I'm not. Now I'll listen to the argument that Texas is more deserving of a BCS bid than Cal, but don't tell me Cal didn't get jammed up because they did. Cal goes on the road and beats Southern Miss by double digits, while Texas sits at home, watches the game on TV and jumps right over the bears and into the Rose Bowl. That is garbage. And you have to love Mack Brown saying he felt empathy for Cal coach Jeff Tedford. He was begging for votes at the expense of Cal, but he felt sorry when it went his way. Oh, o.k.. Yes, his begging for votes worked, but just because something works, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. And begging for votes is beneath a guy like that. Or at least I thought was. Rising, my fascination with the alleged beat down Liza Minnelli laid on estranged husband David Gest. Usually, my interest in celebrity feuds lasts a week or two and then I'm on to the next thing. But not with this one. I never get tired of hearing Gest claim that Liza beat him up. He now claims that he couldn't work for a year and a half after receiving a close handed concussion to the head. That's a quote. Did she hit him or bounce one of her gin bottles off his dome? Yeah, like I'm ever going to get tired of hearing about how she rolled this guy up. Bro, keep it coming. Tell me again about the time that booze bag tried to rip out your hair plugs. I love that one. Falling, Ron Artest. Chapter III, the CD that Artest pimped relentlessly when he should have been apologizing for starting that riot in the D, is tanking badly. The CD had sold just 800 copies recently despite being in more than 14,000 retail outlets. Looks like dude better make another Today Show run because that disc ain't moving. And he's going to have to find another way to recoup the $5 mil he lost for going into the stands after the wrong fan, because record sales aren't going to cover cab fair. And maybe, just maybe, the buying public was just a little put off by his releasing his disc just after starting the ugliest incident in league history. If half a million is gold, and a million is platinum, what are 800? Tin? Plastic? Congratulations, Ron on your CD going wood. Falling, nickel back Deion Sanders. Nothing says "prime time" quite like missing the last four games and playing in just 6 of Baltimore's 12 games this season. Deion said, "It's somewhat disappointing that things happened that I can't control." The only thing out of your control is your ego; it was your ego that put you back in pads after retiring 3 years ago. How could this have gone any other way than it did? You had nothing left when you shut it down the first time? That's why you retired, remember? Speaking of retiring, it's about time to retire the 'prime time' moniker. Unfortunately, from here on out we're going to have to go with 'tape delayed'. As in Deion tape delayed Sanders is questionable this week. And finally, having the remaining $19 million dollars on his contract voided after he got with a hooker probably was not was Colorado pitcher Denny Neagle was hoping for. Neagle was arrested for solicitation after paying Jill Russell for her services. Jill Russell or Kurt Russell? Why is it that when I look at Jill Russell I see Alice Cooper? In fact, if you look at that picture long and don't blink, she'll morph into Michael Bolton. Actually, I don't know what I see; I just know what I don't see. A woman. I think. That could turn out to be a $19 million dollar speeding ticket. Hope that was worth it, D.moreless
  • December 16, 2004
    December 16, 2004
    Episode 42
    12/16/04
    0.0
    Of course Kobe Bryant showed up on ESPN, not once but twice this week to spin and posture. That's what he does. When it all hits the fan and his image takes a beating, he goes in front of the camera and says he just can't understand why everyone is so upset. He doesn't know why everyone is so hard on him, and why he's under the microscope. As always, he cops to nothing, and shows no responsibility or accountability whatsoever. Manipulating and maneuvering as always. Everyone else is wrong, but he is right. Typical Bryant. Incredibly predictable and I'm not buying it. Not only is Bryant possibly the NBA's best player, he might also be the Association's biggest rat. First he rolled on Shaq O'Neal telling authorities the daddy threw down a million bucks in hush money to make his problems go away, and that he should do the same thing. And now come to find out, after accusing Karl Malone of trying to pick up on his wife, Bryant told Malone's wife, Kay, that Karl was running around on her. Dude, just because your house is a mess doesn't mean you need to run around wrecking everyone else's. The guy has now violated the code, not once but twice. If I'm one of Bryant's teammates, there's no way I'd trust him. And if I'm a potential free agent, I'm not coming anywhere near LA. Once you get labeled a snitch, that's an impossible rap to shake. The New York Mets willingness to guarantee Pedro Martinez $53 million over four years is idiocy. They'll be lucky to get 50 wins out of the guy for that $53 mil. He's a six inning guy, that goes deep into counts and can't finish guys the way he used to. Sure you'd want a guy like that on your staff, but not at that price. I was shocked the Sox were willing to even guarantee him a third year. And if Pete led Boston to believe a third year would seal the deal, and then used it to get a fourth out of New York, then that's dirty pool. That prima donna act won't play in New York on a bad Mets team the way it did in Boston with the Sox. The media will carve him up. I don't want to hear that the New York giants should put Eli Manning on the bench before his confidence is completely shattered or he gets killed on the field. One, he's not going to die. At least I don't think he will. Two, you can't learn anything by standing on the sideline holding a clipboard. Granted, he has been horrible and he is getting worse, but he's going to have to fight his way out of it. Fact is, they should have never gone to him as early as they did. They were 5-4 at the time, and in the NFC, that practically made them a Super Bowl favorite. They made their decision and now they have live with it. He needs to learn on the job and if that means getting punched in the mouth a few hundred more times and throwing another 15 picks before the end of the year so be it. They're not going anywhere anyway. Basketball is a drug to Rick Majerus and in the end he just had to feed that jones. That's why he's accepted the USC coaching job. Talking hoops on TV is not the same as being in the gym, working players out, putting together game plans and breaking down tape. And like any addict, Majerus is going to put getting high ahead of what's good for him. The crack addict knows he shouldn't hit the glass dique again, but he can't stop. That's how it is for the big man. Coaching is probably not good for Majerus. The lifestyle definitely is not good for Majerus. But he can't stop. Rising, Ty Willingham who landed on his feet at Washington. This is a good gig for Ty and a good hire for the school. Willingham knows the area, has had success in the conference, has a nice chip on his shoulder now and is going to win some games there. And more than anything else, he'll be free of those ridiculous and unreasonable expectations that got him run out of South Bend to begin with. Regardless of the spin coming out of South Bend, there is no way they would have broken off Ty Willingham if they knew they were going to have to settle for Charlie Weis. They fired Willingham because they thought they had Urban Meyer. And if you're going to whack a solid guy like Willingham you better end up with Meyer or Steve Mariucci or Jeff Ted ford. You don't fire Willingham to hire a guy with no head coaching experience. Notre Dame is not the place to go to learn on the job. You can't hire a guy just because he went to school there. What, Rudy Reuttiger didn't want the job? Actress Sharon Stone is suing a doctor saying he falsely claimed that she had a face lift and that it has ruined her career. That ruined your career? Allegations that you had your grill yanked back a few feet is the reason you can't get any work? Either that or the fact that you've gone completely insane and have become an ordained minister. One or the other. Look, reverend, half this town has had it grills shot full of botox and carved up and their phones are still ringing. Maybe you should do the same thing. Face it, after letting it all hang out in Basic Instinct, there was no place left for you to go. Except maybe Chatsworth. Now stop marrying people, your holiness, and stop feeding your husband's feet to lizards in the zoo.moreless
  • November 26, 2004
    November 26, 2004
    Episode 41
    11/26/04
    0.0
    As I'm sure you've heard, New York Yankee Jason Giambi reportedly admitted to a federal grand jury that he took steroids and human growth hormone in 2003. Strange, he didn't seem like a steroid guy: the sudden weight loss, the disproportionate upper body, the seemingly misshapen head, the mysterious illnesses. This truly is shocking. Right, and so was the sun coming up this morning. And can we now finally stop saying that this garbage doesn't work? Jason Giambi, MVP. Ken Caminiti, MVP. Jose Canseco, MVP. Barry Bonds, 800+ bombs and MVP. If it didn't work, they wouldn't do it. And while a lot of you still don't care if they do, you should. It's cheating. Giambi took an illegal substance, that's against the rules and it creates an unleveled playing field. He had an unfair advantage. It does matter. By now I'm sure you've all heard, New York Mets pitcher Kris Benson's wife Anna told Howard Stern, that if her old man ever runs around on her, she will pay him back by having sex with all of his teammates. "If you get caught, I am going to screw everybody on your entire team. Coaches, trainers, players. I would do everybody on his whole team…everybody would get a turn." What about the groundskeeper? Does he get some of that too? That would be like your wife telling you, cheat on me, and I'll get with every one of your friends…and your boss…and your brother…you have to be kidding me about that? And it's not like he can complain, she'll just go sleep with his pitching coach. You just know his teammates are following him around with a video camera, telling him, "do it dude, there's no way, she'll find out", only to run to her and say, "Anna, Anna he did it. I'm first." Los Angeles Dodgers loose cannon Milton Bradley was arrested early Thanksgiving for investigation of disorderly conduct. Authorities in Copley, Ohio say police pulled over a friend of his driving in another car so he stopped and screamed down the cops. At one point, Bradley reportedly put his hands behind his back and said, "Go ahead and arrest me." So…they did. Go ahead and arrest me?! You know what, I think we will. It doesn't appear that Milton's anger management counseling sessions are taking. If he's not firing plastic bottles into the stands, he's screaming at the cops. If he's not screaming at the cops, he's calling newspaper guys uncle tom. Milton Bradley is a pretty good player, but not worth all that trouble. Barry Bonds isn't worth all that trouble. Rising,USC quarterback Matt Leinart who might have ripped the Heisman trophy with his 5 TD, 400 yard effort against Notre Dame. He's your guy. It's not his fault everyone talked up his teammate Reggie Bush for most of the season. It's not his fault voters on the east coast don't see him play. It's not his fault he got Ty Willingham fired. Alex Smith doesn't play in a major conference. Cedric Benson plays for a team with a loss and teammates Jason White and Adrian Peterson are going to split the vote at Oklahoma. Leinart's your guy. Rising, the Hong Kong table tennis team which was honored recently for winning the silver medal at the Olympic games in Athens. And their award for this phenomenal achievement? Lifetime train passes. They spend an entire lifetime devoting themselves to training, conditioning, nutrition, and practicing self-denial and self-sacrifice, and for what? A free ride on the train?! Are you kidding me? Couldn't they have at least given them the cash equivalent? You know, the $85 bucks or whatever it was. What does the gold medal get you? Free bus transfers for life? Train tickets? Giving them nothing would have been better than giving them a train pass. Rising, Fred Couples. Is there a bigger lock anywhere than Fred Couples? He was doing nothing all year long, then gets up off his couch just in time to earn his annual income at the Skins Game. Tiger Woods rinsed his shot on the fourth playoff hole and Freddie walked away with a cool $640k for his troubles. The guy has made $3 and half mill off the Skins Game alone. The only bigger lock than Fred winning is the forced and witty repartee from the mic'ed participants. Nice chip Tiger. Good putt, Annika. Nice ball Adam Scott- whoever you are. Good swing Fred. If they were to rip this event off of TV once and for all, would anyone other than Fred Couples even know, or care? Falling, Minnesota T-Wolves big man Michael Olowokandi. From first pick overall in 1998 to being stun-gunned by cops recently for refusing to leave Tiki Bob's a club in Indianapolis. That's a pretty significant fall. And who doesn't leave when the cops ask them to? I can't think of a single night in a club worth trading for a taser blast, or Billy club up side the head. When the police say leave Tiki Bob's, the appropriate response is not, "make me." Because that's exactly what a lot of those guys signed up for. To make you. Olowokandi later apologized for being a distraction. While he's at it, he should also apologize for stealing Minnesota's money and being arguably the worst number one pick of all time.moreless
  • November 19, 2004
    November 19, 2004
    Episode 40
    11/19/04
    0.0
    A quick question to all of you who were offended by Nicollete Sheridan jumping into Terrell Owens arms before Monday's Philly-Dallas game. Have you never seen an NFL game? If that Desperate Housewives promo is that offensive, how do you reconcile all the low angle shots of the cheerleaders, the beer commercials with scantily clad women rolling around in the mud, or twin sisters rubbing up against one another or the penile enlargement and erectile dysfunction ads, that caution against four hour erections? How is any of that different from that promo? How is one any more offensive than any of the others? And were you offended by the sexual innuendo, or were you offended because a white woman jumped into an African-American's arms? Gary Sheffield and his wife reportedly are alleged targets in an extortion plot. Derrick Mosley, 38 of Chicago, describes himself as a minister and was charged Monday with operating a scheme to defraud for allegedly attempting to extort money from a pro athlete who was not named. Isn't that every dude's worst nightmare? A home made porn tape starring your wife and R Kelly, but not starring you? Memo to all athletes and wives of athletes: do not tape your acts of freakery. Otherwise the tape is going to end up in the hands of some dirtball pretending to be a minister who is going to try to blackmail you with it. Tape your kids' birthday parties, not your sex acts. Tiger Woods is bent that the tabloids were all over his wedding, saying he felt violated. "It's wild. I'm a golfer. Not a Hollywood person…I thought it was invasive. There's no doubt about it." Stop it, E. Just stop it. Enough with this "I'm just a golfer nonsense." You're not. You're probably pushing a billion in the bank and you have a commercial on television every four seconds; you're a celebrity and you know it. Don't insult me by spreading this garbage around. If you want your wedding to be a private affair, give back all the money and perks and bennies and go be a club pro somewhere and then no one will bother you. Otherwise, shut your pie hole and deal with it. Bad take Eldrick. It has not been a good year for Nebraska's first year head coach Bill Callahan. Callahan celebrated Saturday's loss to Oklahoma by calling Sooner fans "hillbillies", and chasing it with a nice expletive. Seriously, if you can't keep that hillbilly blast in your mouth, you are a mess. Callahan demands that his players keep their heads, and then he gets rattled by some smack talking college students. Don't sweat it, coach. If you can't avoid getting hooked by beered up fans or your west coast offense doesn't take , you can always fire up that second career as Beau Bridges stunt double. That's still an option. Just when you think there's nothing left for the man to do in his sport, Takeru Kobyashi turns it up a notch. Switching "disciplines" Kobyashi smashed the world record for eating hamburgers, crushing 68 in 8 minutes recently in Tennessee. Dude is the freaking Bo Jackson of competitive eating. He took home $10K for the win. Good. He'll need it. It's going to cost at least that much to get his stomach pumped. This guy is sick. First hot dogs and now burgers?! How many jars of mayonnaise could he kill? How many sticks of butter can he jam down his throat? Kobyashi may be Japanese, but he's already an American icon. And no wonder the rest of the world hates us. Orlando Magic star Grant Hill is on the rise, after missing huge chunks of the last 3 seasons with that trick ankle. His return this year has been nothing short of remarkable. He's averaging 19 and 6 a night and has made a previously horrible Magic team competitive. Most had left this guy for dead. And considering the jack he's banked, and the life he has off the floor, he really didn't have to come back. Look, I'm not sure how long it's going to last, but the fact that he has even made it to this point tells you all you need to know about Grant Hill . It tells you he has a helluva lot more heart than he's been given credit for. Much to the public's horra, former wrestler Chyna and Sean Waltman are going to release their very own sex tape. The last thing this world needs is some allegedly scandalous porn tape that mysteriously jumped out of a locked vault and is now making the rounds so the shocked and horrified participants can get paid. Normally, I'd say that but, this is different. Now we're finally going to find out what Chyna's deal is. She once came on my show, was a great guest and then gave me a little peck on the cheek. At the time, I didn't know whether to be aroused. Or, well,….not to be. And I still don't. Fortunately, I will soon.moreless
  • November 16, 2004
    November 16, 2004
    Episode 39
    11/16/04
    0.0
  • November 12, 2004
    November 12, 2004
    Episode 38
    11/12/04
    0.0
    Exactly how was rolling on his coach and the football program going to help Maurice Clarett clear his name with NFL people? NFL teams don't care if he was given thousands of dollars by boosters or if the coach hooked him up with a car or a high paying job that he didn't show up for. The league drafts players like that every single year. Let me run down the list of things that the NFL does care about. Number one; can he play? End of list. Clarett just dug himself an even bigger hole and now, he looks even worse to the NFL. NFL decision makers already had concerns about his maturity and work ethic before he started bumping his gums. Now, they think he's a baby and a rat. Bad play, Mo. The Denver Nuggets are one of the biggest disappointments of the early NBA season and Carmelo Anthony is a big part of the problem. After Tuesday's embarrassing beat down by Seattle, Anthony said, "Nobody likes me, but that's o.k." Let us know when you're done feeling sorry for yourself 'Melo. You're the franchise; you're the guy making the big jack. When things go well, you'll get all the run, when they don't, you're going to take some. That's what you signed up for. Man up. He couldn't get along with Larry Brown at the Olympics and now he's not getting along with his own coach: typical, undisciplined Syracuse player. And a serious red flag for the Nuggets. I know this is starting to sound like a broken record on this show, but as long as Joe Paterno continues to say he won't retire, I'm going to keep saying he has to. As soon as does the right thing and quits, I'll stop talking about it. But he's not: "I don't see any reason to say, 'hey I'm going to get out of here this year or next year or what year. And I don't mean to be cocky or stubborn or anything like that." That's not stubborn or cocky, that's selfish. And misguided. The guy's a squatter, an uninvited house guest, that oblivious uncle that annoys everybody and refuses to leave. Yes, a legend like Joe Paterno deserves to leave on his own terms. Assuming he'll actually leave. If not, he deserves to be fired. And if the AD won't do it, I will. Somebody get me Joepa's number. Former St. Louis Blue Mike Danton was sentenced to 7 1/2 years in prison earlier this week for trying to have his agent killed. The judge presiding in the case said, "I do not believe in over 18 years on the bench I have been with a case as bizarre as this one." Really? What's so weird about a pro athlete wanting to whack his agent and asking a 19 year girl, and a police dispatcher to help him do it? Happens all the time. Fact is, if it did, the sport might not be getting lower ratings than Sponge Bob Squarepants nor be the second rate sport that it is. That's what the NHL needs: a new collective bargaining agreement and even more murder for hire trials. I know that would get me to watch. We've all heard about random acts of kindness by strangers. Well, this isn't one of them. What this is a calculated, premeditated and deliberate act of kindness. According to the team, Cincinnati wide receiver Chad Johnson just happened upon a couple who were looking for tickets to a Bengal game when he spontaneously decided he would buy their ducats. Nice gesture. Or at least it would be had there not been a reporter and a cameraman trailing behind. You know how athletes always say, I do plenty of nice things, there just aren't camera crews and reporters there to document it: well, that wasn't one of those times. And I'm sure he would have done the same thing if the cameraman and reporter weren't there. Rising, Roger Clemens. So much for him being in the twilight of his career in 1996 when he left Boston. He picked up his 4th Cy Young since leaving the Sox and a ridiculous 7th overall earlier this week. 7 freaking Cy Young's?! If 1 is a career, 2 makes you a legend and 3 puts you in the hall of fame, what the hell does 7 get you?! 7 Cy Youngs? That's about the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Almost as stupid as thinking a guy has nothing left and letting him leave so he can win four more. And so much for him not being able to pitch in the National League. One NL season, one Cy Young award. Thanks for coming. It wasn't long ago that Tiger Woods was the sport's ultimate finisher. Not any more. He gave back a Sunday lead at the Tour Championship bogeying 3 of the first 7 and never contending after that. Contrary to what he thinks, Woods isn't close and he is in a slump. Woods is about collecting majors and winning tournaments and he's not doing either. Woods was the guy who said second sucks. Woods was the guy chasing Jack Nicklaus. He was the guy that scared everybody. Now nobody is afraid of him. Not Vijay, nor Hefty, or Ernie or Retief. Stop thinking you're close because you're not; in fact you've never been farther away. When are NBA teams going to stop hiring college coaches? I know it's early, but I've seen enough to know that hiring Mike Montgomery was a bad idea. Good college coach. Bad NBA coach. They all are. The guy is in over his head, doesn't know when to call time out or when to foul and his substitution pattern is whacked. He doesn't know the NBA game or NBA personnel. And even Shaq O'Neal thinks Montgomery's clueless when it comes to defending the pick and roll. And he'll never have cred with his players because he is a college guy. Half of what he says goes in one ear and out the other because he's college guy. If you don't believe me, go ask Jerry Tarkanian, Tim Floyd, Lon Krueger, and Leonard Hamilton. Quote of the week belongs to Portland Trailblazer Zach Randolph, who missed a team charter and then blamed it on his alarm clock: "I can't help it if the alarm clock doesn't go off. Stuff like that happens." Stuff like that does happen. To knuckleheads. Hey Zach, the alarm clock doesn't make its own decisions. It can't set itself. Either you set it or you don't. Mix in a wakeup call or a second alarm clock, or here's a thought, some personal responsibility. And if none of those things work, how about just having a rooster in your bed. Cock a doodle-doo Zach. It's not officially an NBA season until a player says he needs a month off because he's too exhausted from promoting his soon to be released rap album. Thanks for that, Ron Artest. You know, maybe he does have a point. NBA players might be the best conditioned athletes in the world, but even their bodies won't hold up under the harsh demands of promoting a record that no one wants to hear. Do you know how busted up you get going to parties, and hanging out with skanks and greasy record reps? Rick Carlisle must have been like, "Are you freaking kidding me, Ron? You're not really asking me this. This is a setup right? Where are the cameras? Where's Ashton Kutcher? I've been punk'd right?" Shoot, Artest's demand for a month long nap makes Latrell Sprewell's, "Why should I try to win a championship for them" diatribe look like Martin Luther King's 'I Have a Dream' speech.moreless
  • February 17, 2004
    February 17, 2004
    Episode 27
    2/17/04
    0.0
    Baltimore Raven Jamal Lewis has a funny way of showing that he has turned his life around by getting indicted by the feds on drug conspiracy charges. The Ravens seem to think that he is going to be cleared of any wrongdoing, and he might. But the fact remains, the words 'cocaine', 'conspiracy', 'indictment' and 'federal agents' are in the same sentence with 'Jamal Lewis' and the 'Baltimore Ravens'. Never a good thing. After getting suspended for four games in '01 for violating the league's substance abuse policy for the second time, he swore he would never put himself or his team in that position again. Right up to the point he was indicted for trafficking coke, I guess. A huge night tonight in Chicago where Cubs fans destroyed the infamous Steve Bartman baseball. A Chicago restaurateur, Grant Deporter paid nearly $114 grand for the ball saying, "What would happen if we didn't destroy it and some Marlin fan got a hold of it? What if some fan used it to psyche out the Cubs next year?" 'What would happen if we didn't destroy it'? Nothing? This isn't about the ball, a goat or some curse. It was about your horses, Mark Prior and Kerry Wood being gassed at the end of a long year and a good Marlin team coming back on you and then doing the Yankees. Turn the page. That ball has nothing to do with anything. He Hate Me, aka Rod Smart, went from being the poster boy for the embarrassing XFL, to one of the feel good stories of the NFL, as a kick returner for the Carolina Panthers. Now comes word from Sports Illustrated that Smart has fathered five children with five different women. 5 by 5. That's impressive. That's NBA impressive. I guess He Hate Me, also hate condoms. He may hate me, but he apparently love sex. He love sex with multiple partners. He hate commitment, but he love becoming dad. He may hate going to drug store, but he needs to start doing it or he going to hate scratching multiple child support checks. Me hate that. Golfer John Daly is on the rise. He followed up his win at TorreyPpines with a top four finish here in LA. Once is a fluke, twice is a trend, or something like that. I'm still skeptical, but a little less so this week than last. While JD has battled his demons; booze, women, gambling, heaters and Spunkmeyers, he has always been ridiculously talented. How else do you explain him living his life on the edge and still winning two majors.? That's more than Phil Mickelson, Fred Couples and Davis Love III to name a few. Here's hoping for a few more 68's, and no more 88's. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is also on the rise. He was hired by the Knicks recently as an advisor. Jabbar, the game's all time leading scorer, and as cerebral as they come, has been unable to lock down a meaningful coaching job anywhere. It defies explanation. Other than that little thing about him treating everyone he has ever come in contact with like garbage, I don't know what it could be. And no, I don't buy that he's a 7 footer living in a 6 footer's world and has had to endure the freak treatment. Jose Canseco is the recipient of the smack down of the week. He is planning on attending an open tryout with the Dodgers. Jose, where is your pride? You have 462 big league homeruns. You should not be at an open tryout with a bunch of other has been's, never-were's, beer leaguer's and softball guy. If the Dodgers had any interest in you, they would have invited you to spring training. Maybe admitting you were juiced, saying 85% of your peers were also, and threatening to write a book and name names wasn't such a good idea after all. I don't want to have to say this, but you're leaving me no choice. Go away, Jose. Paul Rueben's, better known as Pee Wee Herman, produced an anti-drug video this week back in 1992. He had to make the video as part of his sentencing agreement for his infamous indecent exposure charges. Anti-drug video? Shouldn't he have been forced to make an 'anti-masturbating in public' video? It seems more appropriate and a lot more people would have wanted to see it. Hey Paul, let's try and not let that happen again, all right?moreless
  • February 10, 2004
    February 10, 2004
    Episode 26
    2/10/04
    0.0
    Memo to the St. John's players who celebrated their 20 point loss to Pittsburgh recently by breaking curfew and refusing to pay a hooker they had just sex with. Hope that was worth it. You shamed yourselves, your program and your university. And for what? An hour with a 38-year old airline waitress turned hooker? Look at the bright side, at least Johnnie Elijah Ingraham was able to document the whole party on video on his cell phone. Never mind that the rest of us have our wife, or our kids or maybe our dog on our cell phones this guy has his teammates engaging in a group sex act with a former air waitress. It's sick, backwards, twisted, amoral and just the thing a fine, upstanding catholic institution doesn't need. A number of the jurors who qualified for the Jayson Williams manslaughter case were dismissed after hearing a report that Williams once shot gunned his dog and made Dwayne Schntizius bury the remains. The prosecution says he fired on the dog twice and then turned the gun on Schntzius and said, "bury the remains or you're next". You think Williams blowing his dog's head off with a shotgun might prejudice potential jurors in this case? If this is true, this is one, sick, twisted, pud. Dude seemingly likes to kill things. Dogs. Limo drivers. Whatever. Maybe I wouldn't be a good juror, but I think he should do a year or two just for being friends with Dwayne Schnitzius. Worst idea of the week comes from George Foreman who says he wants to fight one last time. Beat it Gorge. It's time. Go away. Handpicking some slug that you can fight at age 55 for god knows for what reason is not an inspiration to anyone. You've already jammed up the American public for about 9 billion bucks by selling your George Foreman frying pan. We're hip to your act. You're not what you appear to be. You're the same surly guy that you were when Ali laid that beat down on you in Zaire. Nothing has changed. Except, inexplicably the public's perception of you. But I'm not buying it. It's a devastating week for US soccer fans, both of you, as the US was rolled up by the Mexican national team 4-0 knocking us out of the Olympics altogether. This is absolutely tremendous news. This raises the likelihood of me actually watching the Olympics from 0% to 0.01%. See, if there was even a chance that I could run into soccer if I flipped over to the games, I wouldn't risk it. Now, at least I can drop in and check and see how our rhythmic gymnastics and synchronized swimmers are doing. And yes, nothing makes me more proud to be an American than us being terrible at soccer. Well done fellas, orange slices and Capri-sun on me when you get back. This week's showdown pitted two of the NBA's biggest hitters; hall of fame coach Larry Brown v. Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban. Cuban wants his players to choose between playing for him and playing for their national team. Brown smacked Cuban for being shortsighted and dumb. That's when Cuban took the gloves off saying Brown, "has never had to write the check for an NBA payroll in his life. If things don't work out, a player gets injured or he doesn't like the way things are going, he can do what he has done everywhere else, just leave." Nice. He busted him for being an employee. And a quitter. Of course, they're both right. Cuban might not have the players he has if not for the dream team, and Cuban is right to want to protect his investment. Because he was the busier of the two fighters and landed the heavier blows, Cuban by unanimous decision. Nice to see the Bloomington house that Bob Knight used to live in is for sale on eBay: 4660 square feet, 5 acres, walk in closets for $397,500. And according to the seller, it's a "rare opportunity to live in the house 'The General' lived in for the last 16-years while he was basketball coach of Indiana University." I'm thinking about busting out with the buy it now price, but first I need to know a few things. Does the house come with Calbert Cheaney's bullwhip? Or that chair Knight threw across the floor? Or the garbage can he stuffed that Puerto Rican cop into? Or Neil Reed's neck? Or that shotgun that he blasted his hunting buddy with? And a salad bar? I have to have the salad bar. If not, I'll just wait until Kra-zewski auctions his crib off in Durham.moreless
  • February 03, 2004
    February 03, 2004
    Episode 25
    2/3/04
    0.0
    Memo to the St. John's players who celebrated their 20 point loss to Pittsburgh recently by breaking curfew and refusing to pay a hooker they had just sex with. Hope that was worth it. You shamed yourselves, your program and your university. And for what? An hour with a 38-year old airline waitress turned hooker? Look at the bright side, at least Johnnie Elijah Ingraham was able to document the whole party on video on his cell phone. Never mind that the rest of us have our wife, or our kids or maybe our dog on our cell phones this guy has his teammates engaging in a group sex act with a former air waitress. It's sick, backwards, twisted, amoral and just the thing a fine, upstanding catholic institution doesn't need. A number of the jurors who qualified for the Jayson Williams manslaughter case were dismissed after hearing a report that Williams once shot gunned his dog and made Dwayne Schntizius bury the remains. The prosecution says he fired on the dog twice and then turned the gun on Schntzius and said, "bury the remains or you're next". You think Williams blowing his dog's head off with a shotgun might prejudice potential jurors in this case? If this is true, this is one, sick, twisted, pud. Dude seemingly likes to kill things. Dogs. Limo drivers. Whatever. Maybe I wouldn't be a good juror, but I think he should do a year or two just for being friends with Dwayne Schnitzius. Worst idea of the week comes from George Foreman who says he wants to fight one last time. Beat it Gorge. It's time. Go away. Handpicking some slug that you can fight at age 55 for god knows for what reason is not an inspiration to anyone. You've already jammed up the American public for about 9 billion bucks by selling your George Foreman frying pan. We're hip to your act. You're not what you appear to be. You're the same surly guy that you were when Ali laid that beat down on you in Zaire. Nothing has changed. Except, inexplicably the public's perception of you. But I'm not buying it. It's a devastating week for US soccer fans, both of you, as the US was rolled up by the Mexican national team 4-0 knocking us out of the Olympics altogether. This is absolutely tremendous news. This raises the likelihood of me actually watching the Olympics from 0% to 0.01%. See, if there was even a chance that I could run into soccer if I flipped over to the games, I wouldn't risk it. Now, at least I can drop in and check and see how our rhythmic gymnastics and synchronized swimmers are doing. And yes, nothing makes me more proud to be an American than us being terrible at soccer. Well done fellas, orange slices and Capri-sun on me when you get back. This week's showdown pitted two of the NBA's biggest hitters; hall of fame coach Larry Brown v. Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban. Cuban wants his players to choose between playing for him and playing for their national team. Brown smacked Cuban for being shortsighted and dumb. That's when Cuban took the gloves off saying Brown, "has never had to write the check for an NBA payroll in his life. If things don't work out, a player gets injured or he doesn't like the way things are going, he can do what he has done everywhere else, just leave." Nice. He busted him for being an employee. And a quitter. Of course, they're both right. Cuban might not have the players he has if not for the dream team, and Cuban is right to want to protect his investment. Because he was the busier of the two fighters and landed the heavier blows, Cuban by unanimous decision. Nice to see the Bloomington house that Bob Knight used to live in is for sale on eBay: 4660 square feet, 5 acres, walk in closets for $397,500. And according to the seller, it's a "rare opportunity to live in the house 'The General' lived in for the last 16-years while he was basketball coach of Indiana University." I'm thinking about busting out with the buy it now price, but first I need to know a few things. Does the house come with Calbert Cheaney's bullwhip? Or that chair Knight threw across the floor? Or the garbage can he stuffed that Puerto Rican cop into? Or Neil Reed's neck? Or that shotgun that he blasted his hunting buddy with? And a salad bar? I have to have the salad bar. If not, I'll just wait until Kra-zewski auctions his crib off in Durham.moreless
  • January 28, 2004
    January 28, 2004
    Episode 24
    1/28/04
    0.0
    Not only was Bob Knight not suspended for that verbal beat down he laid on Texas Tech chancellor David smith Monday, he was on the bench against Baylor the next night. Hilarious. Of course, Tech rolled. And for the record, Smith isn't the chancellor at Texas Tech; Bob Knight is. Smith's just lucky Knight didn't reposition his face between the croutons and ranch dressing at that salad bar the way he did Neil Reed. Knight may have been circling the drain after getting run out of Indiana, but the General is alive and well and living in Lubbock. Despite starring in a gay porn film, Cleveland Indians reliever Kaz Tadano insists he is not gay. Of course,voluntarily participating in gay porn isn't the best way to convince someone you're not gay. Don't get me wrong, personally I couldn't care less if he is or isn't. I only care if he can get guys out. But, as I've mentioned before, a major league clubhouse isn't exactly the last bastion of enlightenment. You know how that's going to go. I'm not gay,…weren't you in a gay porno? Yeah, but…but…but nothing. Look, this guy absolutely deserves a shot: we'll see if his peers give it to him. When asked what he thought about Toyota fielding a team in the NASCAR truck series, Jimmy Spencer cracked, "Those sons of bitches bombed Pearl Harbor, don't forget. As long as it's good for the economy, I guess it's ok. But I hope that Ford, Chevrolet and Dodge kick ass." Thanks for that. Jimbo, I don't want to be the one to bring you into the 21st century kicking and screaming, but you do know that none of those guys on the Toyota team were actually flying the planes that bombed Pearl Harbor. Stick to physically assaulting other drivers and leave the political commentary to those who know what they're talking about. Dr. J's back in the news. No, not for denying that he had a daughter or dropping a signed basketball on her instead of raising her. Better yet, he has a sex tape. Of course he does. Does that mean that spammers are going to inundate me with offers to buy the tape like they did with Paris Hilton? I couldn't walk past a computer without someone hitting me with a link to that video. I just hope this doesn't spawn a whole new genre of sex tapes. I mean, I don't want to see the Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sex tape. And I don't want to see the Larry Bird sex tape. Believe, I really don't need to see that. And neither does anyone else. Dr. J, what happened to you!? It was this week in 1992 that Alex Trebek appeared as himself on the TV show The Golden Girls. Unfortunately, 12 years later, he's driving like one of those old hags. He recently fell asleep at the wheel and slammed into a row of mailboxes before jumping his rig into a ditch. I'll take game show hosts who are lucky to be alive for $1000, Alex. My man, shake yourself! What is, have a cup of coffee before getting behind the wheel? What are, rising insurance rates? He probably was consulting one of those little blue index cards with all the answers before making a turn. Ooooh. So sorry. Mix in some no-doze, Al. It was this week in 1998 that school teacher Mary Kay Letourneau violated her probation by seeing the 14 year old father of her baby. Of course, MK Letourneau was sent to the hole for having sex with a student and eventually getting knocked up by said kid. Not to make light of this, but if she was willing to risk going back to the hole for some 14 year old kid, then he's the studliest 14 year old ever, she's just ill one or both. 14-year olds should be collecting baseball cards, not tapping their teachers. Hard to believe, but it was only four years ago in 2000, when former Braves closer John Rocker had perhaps the mother of all meltdowns. In that famous interview with Sports Illustrated he got after basically everyone who wasn't a white male: gays, Asians, African-Americans, women, you name it, he slurred them. And no sooner than the mag hit the stands, he seemed to lose ten miles per hour off his heater and couldn't get anyone out. Atlanta sent him to Cleveland who sent him to Tampa, who then ran him. And once the D-rays are done with you, you know it's over. I'm sure he doesn't regret doing that interview very much.moreless
  • January 21, 2004
    January 21, 2004
    Episode 23
    1/21/04
    0.0
    Nice to see the President crack back on juicers and cheaters in sports in his State of the Union address. After devoting much of his speech to foreign policy, terrorism and various domestic issues, he urged professional sports to rid itself of steroid abuse. Talk about a non-sequiter! Where did that come from?! I half expected him to bust out with, "And, and, don't cross the street without looking both ways. And, and, eat your vegetables!" Don't do steroids?! Yeah, that ought to solve the problem. As if any athlete is going to hear that and think, the President says I shouldn't roid up, I think I'll stop. Like any athlete even watched the State of the Union address. Like these guys even know who our President is! Look, I'm not here to crack on the Carolina Panthers. Never mind that no one outside of the Carolinas wants to see them in this game and that they're the Super Bowl version of the Florida Marlins. Fact is, they earned it and we're stuck with them. And I'm not saying they can't win. I'm just saying they won't. I know, I know, that's what everyone has said about you all year long and you just keep finding ways to win. There's only one problem with that: New England is better. And you're not going to find a way to grind out one more win, in a game that you have never played in, against a team that was here two years ago. And is better I'm not looking to crack on Carolina, but I will gladly crack on the Philadelphia Eagles. And don't tell me they're the Buffalo Bills of the NFC. The Bills at least won 4 of these games in a row. The Eagles have lost three in a row. The Eagles are better off not even making the playoffs than showing up and getting rolled at home every year. They didn't even compete Sunday: from their wide receivers alligator arming it over the middle, to half their defense letting Deshaun Foster run over them to score. How do you let someone come into your house and violate and abuse you like that? That beat down was simply inexcusable. Nice to see the King of Freaks, Wacko Jacko taking his child molestation charges so seriously. Did you catch his act at the courtroom recently? What a circus. After showing up late, he left the court house, flashing a victory sign to his equally freaky supporters and then moon walked on the roof of his SUV, before inviting the same losers back to his ranch for a post child molesting arraignment party. Hey Mike Jackson, now would be a good time to start treating those child molestation charges seriously. And throwing a cotton candy and snow cone bash at the ranch is not taking them seriously Annika Sorenstam's performance at the Colonial was nails, but it was nothing compared to what Michelle Wie did when she missed the cut by a single stroke at the Sony Hawaii Open. Sorenstam has won five majors and is the best player of her generation. Wie is a 14 year old girl. I don't think I'm going to see a 14 year old girl pick up a bat and dig in against Randy Johnson. Or try to check Allen Iverson. Or cover Randy Moss. But she more than held her own against the guys in a tour event. She hits it like a dude, has a great make up and probably could play the tour one day. She's a freak. Former NFL wideout Rae Carruth is falling. As his former team, the Carolina Panthers are gearing up for the Super Bowl, he is stuck in the slam, beginning year 4 of his 18 year, 11 month sentence for having his pregnant girlfriend killed. Since you're not getting out anytime soon Raenthal, how about some more of that prison poetry you busted out with once? Here, I'll get you started with some haiku: I shot my wife dead. Didn't want to be a dad. I live in a cage. This week's meltdown belongs to Chicago Bears GM Jerry Angelo who after being asked yet again, why he didn't hire LSU coach Nick Saban, cracked saying, "It has nothing to do with being a control freak…I've listened to so much crap the last two weeks, I had to look myself in the mirror and I said, 'you know, I should have a turban on.'" Nice. When squeezed, go to the turban blast. Don't like the line of questioning, just launch off an ethnic slur. Angelo then backpedaled with a non-apology later in the day, saying, "My reference to wearing a turban earlier in the day was not meant to be hurtful." Thanks for that. Why not just say, I'm sorry I said what I said, it was so stupid, I just don't like Arabs. The on again, off again Lingerie Bowl is back on again. Despite protests from feminist organizations, those self-employed models will go 7 on 7 in their underwear at halftime of the big game. Just when it looked as if it was dead in the water when its main sponsor Dodge pulled out, partypoker.com came out of nowhere to save the day. Now, we have one stop for all of our degenerate activities: the internet, porn and gambling. If there was some way to have beer pour right out of the TV we'd really be set. And I'm sure engineers are furiously working on that. Or at least they should be.moreless
  • January 14, 2004
    January 14, 2004
    Episode 22
    1/14/04
    0.0
    It's not going to do anyone any good for me to sit here and go armchair quarterback and second guess those who have forgotten more than I'll ever know. Actually, it is. Let me start with Rams coach Mike Martz. With the ball on the Carolina 19, with 37 seconds to go and a timeout, how does this guy, of all guys, not go for the kill shot? Not even try to win the game? Martz let Carolina off the hook, they came back to win in OT and he will never live this down. The guy is an offensive coordinator; he can scheme with anyone, but he can't manage a game or be trusted to make good decisions under duress. And he proved it once again. Although his brain lock wasn't as egregious, I have to also ask what in the world was Packers coach Mike Sherman thinking Sunday? What was he doing punting the ball 4th and 1 from the Philly 41 and two a half minutes to go? You have one of the best backs in the game, Ahman Green, behind a good offensive line, against a team that hasn't stopped the run all year! And you punt? You're one yard away from being one game away from the Super Bowl. It's the playoffs! Go for the jugular. Finish it. When you play not to lose, you usually do. That was not only spineless, it was dumb as well. Let me see if I have this straight. Dan Marino couldn't win a championship as one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history of the game, but he is going to lead the dolphins to one as VP of football ops? Even though he as no experience doing it? Who are they going to beat to do it, the Detroit Lions and Matt Millen? Like Marino, Millen was a fiery competitor, a winner, and a leader and the Lions are still un-watchable. How is the Dolphin organization any better now than it was before the announcement? Marino has about as much business running this team as he does quarterbacking it right now. Then again considering who they have back there now, he'd be considered an upgrade. Don't tell me this is anything more than a PR move or that he's anything more than a figurehead. The story of the week had to be former Atlanta Brave Otis Nixon being arrested for pulling a knife on his body guard. Let me stop right there. Otis Nixon had a body guard? Why? Who wants a piece of Otis Nixon? He does know he's Otis Nixon, right? What, he can's step off a curb without being mobbed, because he's Otis Nixon? Do all the early '90's braves roll with muscle? Is Mark Lemke strapped because he's Mark Lemke? Does Lonnie Smith cruise in one of those Pope-mobiles? And I'm the last guy to bring one's personal appearance into a take, but how about that mug shot? He looks like he's about 80! What, did he buy a timeshare on the sun with Laffit Pincay? Rising, the Anaheim Angels who have had a truly sick off season, adding the best bat on the market, Vladimir Guerrero, the best arm , Bartolo Colon, as well as Jose Guillen and Kelvim Escobar. The Angels may have spent the last 40 plus years looking up at the Dodgers, but they just caught them and blew right by them. While LA was busy resigning Alex Cora and Robin Ventura the Angels pulled the biggest fish on the market right from under their noses. Legendary rock band Motley Crue kicked off its first ever US tour this week in 1984. Say what you want about the music, but there's never been a band like the Crue. The hair, the make up, the sex. The booze, the heroin, everything. Bassist Nikki Sixx, told me recently that if you didn't OD they kicked you out of the band. Of course, he also told me that drummer Tommy Lee's dad gave him permission to get with his wife if he could pull it off. No one hit it harder than the Crue. Except perhaps Ozzy Osbourne who toured with them once and snorted a line of ants off a popsicle stick. Which probably explains both he and his horrible children. A final thought on something I touched on in our year in review: Minnelli v. Gest. The androgynous Broadway producer was a no show in court as their divorce proceedings got underway. His lawyers said that he required 20 injections into his head as a result of the beat down Liza Minnelli laid on him. 20 injections into your dome? My man, you weren't hit by a truck, you were slapped around by a show tune singing wino. Shake yourself. Are you sure those shots weren't Botox instead of painkilling injections? What are you going to tell me next, that she tried to rip your hair plugs out also? Bro, rolling with Liza is one thing, getting rolled up by her is another. Stop it.,already.moreless
  • January 7, 2004
    January 7, 2004
    Episode 21
    1/7/04
    0.0
    I am not buying Pete Rose's campaign to get reinstated and into the Hall of Fame. Great, after 14 years of lying about it, he finally admits to betting on baseball. So? That's news to anyone? Tell me something I didn't already know. And how much can his confession mean, if he's profiting from it. He's not trying to make things right, or undo a wrong, he's trying to get back in and sell some books. The problem is, he still doesn't get it. He still doesn't think he did anything wrong. He's not sorry for what he did to the sport, he's sorry that he got caught. A confession without an apology or any kind of genuine remorse or accountability is worthless. Even if he is savvy enough to change his message and feign contrition and remorse in the ensuing weeks, it still won't save him. If what he says in the next couple of weeks contradicts what he spent the last couple of years writing into a book, no one is going to buy it. Besides, does it really matter what he says at this point? Can you really believe anything from a guy who just spent 14 years lying to you? This is Rose's worst nightmare: he finally comes correct, admits he gambled on baseball, and handles the confession so poorly, the he loses the support he once had and Bud Selig stones him. Thanks for coming. And is there anything less credible in all of sports than the college football coaches poll? 37 coaches voted for USC before they punched Michigan in the mouth and because they were contractually obligated, 34 of them changed their vote to LSU afterwards?! What, did the Rose Bowl never happen? Did USC not dominate Michigan? I mean, I could have swore, I watched that game from beginning to end. I could have swore I saw John Navarre get sacked 9 times. Am I just making this up? As it turns out, BCS honks, the system doesn't work: it didn't do exactly what it was designed to do. In fact, it produced the very thing it was designed to prevent. A split championship. Well done. Dan Snyder hiring Joe Gibbs is absolutely brilliant. From Steve Spurrier, a guy who clowned those who sleep on cots in their office to the guy who actually invented the practice. Apparently hard work is a more valued commodity in the NFL than smugness. Of course the question now is, will the Dan stay the hell out of his Hall of Famer's way and let him do the job? Strange as it sounds, the answer is yes. Gibbs is far too old, too accomplished and too rich to accept anything less. Snyder couldn't have brought in anyone else, dead or alive who was better able to jumpstart his lifeless franchise than Joe Gibbs. He makes Steve Spurrier look like a ball boy. Amazingly, it's been ten years since Tonya Harding and her band of retards bounced a led pipe off Nancy Kerrigan's knee. What, actually practicing more or maybe admitting that Kerrigan was better weren't options? The only thing more incredible than that hair-brained scheme being concocted is that it actually came to fruition. And believe me if there was anyone in the room with an IQ above room temperature, it wouldn't have. Kerrigan went on to win the silver, started a family and gained induction into the US Skating Hall of Fame. Harding bounced a hubcap off a boyfriend's head, produced home made porn and now boxes professionally for a living. Hard to imagine how their life paths could have diverged so dramatically. Happy 10th anniversary. I can't wait until the 25th anniversary when Tonya presents Nancy with a gold plated lead pipe. Dennis Eckersly and Paul Molitor are on the rise, for getting into the Hall of Fame. And let me address the issue of whether or not Eck deserved to get in on the first try, really whether or not anyone is worthy of entry. If you have to make an argument for them, they're not. Letting a guy in because he's in the final year of eligibility is a joke also. One year you're not a Hall of Famer, the next year you are? How does that work? And that "He has the most homeruns, rbi, hits, wins, steals, sac bunts, sac flies, walks, errors, grounding into double plays, whatever, of any guy not in the Hall let him in" argument, is the worst of all. By that standard, eventually everyone gets in. It's the Hall of Fame, not the hall of very good. Falling, pop star Britney Spears who reportedly married a childhood friend in a Vegas chapel only to have the marriage annulled shortly thereafter. So, if she's not making out with her grandmother on awards shows, and getting naked for magazine covers, she getting blasted and then married in Vegas. Bad news, Brit. No drunken marriage or any other publicity stunt is going to slow your inevitable descent into stints on Celebrity Mole or the Surreal Life. Congratulations to the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, who has done the impossible; he's made Michael Jackson look like a good dad. You know Irwin; he's that nut who tried to feed his one month infant to a croc recently? Nice. Like a croc can tell the difference between an infant and a chicken. They just see meat. Or as one of my radio listeners put it: 'baby, the other white meat.' A defiant Irwin refused to apologize until TV executives threatened to rip his show. Memo to Irwin, Siegried and Roy and that California couple that thought it could live amongst the bears: The tigers, crocs and snakes aren't bothering anyone. Leave them alone. Good Crocodile Hunter, bad Dad.moreless
  • December 24, 2003
    December 24, 2003
    Episode 20
    12/24/03
    0.0
    It was March 27th when given a choice between leaving the game with his dignity intact or going to the Arizona Cardinals, Emmitt Smith chose the latter. Unfortunately, that ranks right up there with Johnny U. stumbling around the Chargers backfield, and Willie Mays misjudging fly balls in center with the Mets. Could this really have gone any other way? Emmitt, I know you have made a career of proving people wrong and making people who doubt you look bad, but this looks really bad. You had a chance to retire as the game's all time leading rusher. Instead, you're going to leave the game as a backup on the Arizona Cardinals. I'm just going to pretend it never happened. Rising, Mo Vaughn of the New York Mets. Not so much for his play between the lines but rather for his upset win on the reality tv series American Idol. I had no idea that Ruben Studdard, errr, Mo had those kinds of pipes. The former MVP of the American league and the Idol champ?! That's a record that is never coming down. Falling, William 'the Refridgerator' Perry. Talk about going into the tank. How does a hall of fame eater like the Fridge get rolled up during the 4th of July hot dog eating contest? One thing to be taken to the woodshed by a 120 pound hot dog eating freak like Taku Kobayashi, but your 4 dog effort was deplorable. Kobayshi killed 44 dogs in 12 minutes and the best you could do is 4? William, you should be ashamed of yourself. Kobayshi, you should really be ashamed of yourself. Rising, Raphael Palmeiro. Of course this guy is rising with all the Viagra he has coursing through his veins, it will be years before he experiences any sort of fall. My man, you should not be throwing back little blue miracles like they're Tic-Tacs. Oh and congratulations on hitting homerun number 500. Just don't try to convince me that that alone should put you in the Hall of Fame, because it shouldn't…homeruns don't mean what they used to and 500 shouldn't guarantee automatic entry anymore Rising, Roy of Sigfried and Roy fame. Mauled by a tiger during his Vegas stage act, lived to talk about and is now on the comeback trail. Man! Of course, you have to love Siegfried telling anyone who will listen that Montecore the tiger wasn't trying to kill Roy, he was trying to help him. How, by ripping his throat out? Trying to help him? Either that or he got tired of getting smacked in the nose with a microphone and decided to even the score. One or the other. Montecore 1, Roy 0. In what was easily the most bizarre story of the year, broadway producer and all around freak David Gest divorced his wife Liza Minelli on grounds that she would knock him around. Dude, I know you're not the hardest guy ever, but you are a man, and she is Liza Minelli. I don't think you want to be telling people that you can't handle a pill popping, booze guzzling, show tune singing, 57-year old woman. And what a shock that this marriage didn't last. Just because she is a bloated recovering addict and you're, well, you're whatever you are, doesn't mean it couldn't work. So she bounced a few gin bottles off your dome and tried to rip your hair plugs out, get over it. Who doesn't have a few problems in their marriage. You got beaten up by Liza Minelli? You might want to keep that to yourself, Gest.moreless
  • December 17, 2003
    December 17, 2003
    Episode 19
    12/17/03
    0.0
    Not surprisingly, New York Giants coach Jim Fassel has been told that he will not be brought back next season. He'll coach the last two games of the season and resurface somewhere else, perhaps Arizona or even Oakland. He's a solid guy who always got more blame than he deserved and not as much credit as he deserved. Now, I'm not saying Fassel is without blame, but make no mistake about it, his players rolled on him. They quit a month ago. They have no pride as evidenced by their allowing Joe Horn to bust people calls form his cell phone in the endzone. If they were looking to get Fassell fired, mission accomplished. Consider your season a success. Now, if you're looking for me to crack on Joe Horn or Chad Johnson for their endzone celebrations, you're barking up the wrong tree. I'm not mad about it. It doesn't signal the end of civilization or the moral decay of society. It's one guy acting like a fool after making a play. My concern is, Chad Johnson sees that Horn's cellphone blew his placard out of the water and will look to one up him this week. It's like an arms race that's escalating to dangerous levels putting the rest of the world at risk. How long before one of these guys pulls one of their groupies out of the stands and gets after it right there in the endzone? Week 16? Week 17. No, it doesn't make me mad, it makes me laugh. And I'm not laughing with them, I'm laughing at them. Memo to George Steinbrenner: Back away from general manager Brian Cashman, he's had enough. Steinbrenner exercised an option in his contract meaning he's going to have to deal with the boss degrading him for an extra year. Cashman reportedly was telling friends that he was looking to bust out of the Bronx zoo after '04. Not happening. Steinbrenner isn't letting Cashman talk to the press, reportedly keeps him in the dark on key issues, ignores his input, berates him and frequently tells him he's overpaid. But wants to keep him around another year? Cearly to spite him. That's George at his worst, petty, vindicative and cruel. Ease up, George or you'll never find any quality people willing to take your money. And here's the worst idea of this or any other week. Organizers in South Korea are reportedly trying to stage a rematch of the 1988 Olympic 100-meter race between Carl Lewis, Ben Johnson and six others. You might recall Johnson had his medal ripped after it was discovered he had enough 'roids coursing through his veins to kill an elephant. Both have apparently agreed to do it. Of course they have. It's not like pesky little things like 'pride' and 'dignity' are going to prevent this from happening. I think those qualities went out the window when Johnson started racing horses and Lewis was a guest analyst on Man v. Beast. Unless they plan on jacking Ben up with enough juice to get his 100-time into the 4's, you can count me out. I'm not down for a senior circuit for sprinters. Well, at least Saddam Hussein went out with both guns blazing just as he said he would. Hiding in a hole in the ground with a few Mars bars and $750k in cash. Wasn't this the guy who said he would never be taken alive? The guy who urged loyalists to fight the American infidels to the death? Just like the guy to roll over without firing a single shot. And having some US serviceman check his beard and lettuce for lice and while poking through his chicklets. That probably wasn't too degrading. I don't see George Bush getting his china inspected by any Iraqi soldiers. Props to the US servicemen who dug him out. Had you dug a little deeper maybe you have found those weapons of mass destruction. Falling, Bruce Cassidy, who was fired recently as coach of the Washington Capitals. Cassidy was whacked after calling out the players for worrying too much about their sick kids and pregnant wives. Goalie Olaf Kolzig has an autistic son and Brendan Witt's wife nearly died from complications caused by pregnancy. Hey Bruce, I know you were a coach and not a doctor, but autism is not the same thing as a cold. You can't cure it with baby Tylenol. And that pregnant wife blast was just as out of line. I'm all for being focused, but even more for being a human being. Easy, Bruce. Miami Heat coach Stan Van Gundy delivered the smackdown of the week, taking out Toronto's Vince Carter with an on court collision. Carter, looking like he was hit by a Mack truck instead of Jeff Van Gundy's brother, stayed on the floor for several hours or seconds before a timeout was called and glared back at Miami's bench after getting up a few minutes later. My man, getting taken out by Jeff Van Gundy's brother isn't exactly going to help your rep for being soft. As for the brothers Van Gundy: Stop muscling up on NBA players. First Jeff attacked Alonzo Mourning's ankle and then Ron Jeremy's stunt double puts Vinsanity to sleep. Cool it fellas. Conference play hasn't started yet and Texas Tech coach Bob Knight has already had a major meltdown. After a mere 6100 fans showed up to support his team recentlyKknight cracked the fans, saying, "If that is all we are going to get, then Texas Tech should think of giving up basketball." Hey Bob, they brought you there to rebuild the program, not give it the death penalty. You're not in Indiana anymore: you're in Texas, where football is always going to be king. They care about BJ Symons and Kliff Kingsbury not your gutty little Red Raiders. What, are you just now figuring this out? If coaching at a football school where basketball is always going to play second fiddle is inevitable, why not just sit back and enjoy it.moreless
  • December 10, 2003
    December 10, 2003
    Episode 18
    12/10/03
    0.0
    Incredibly enough, a few of you think that the BCS does work; that it's doing exactly what it's designed to do. I guess. If the system is designed to keep the best team in America out of it's championship game, then it's working perfectly. What's not to love about a system where number 2 plays number 3 for the right to be number 1? And just so I have this straight, USC isn't worthy of a Sugar Bowl bid because Hawaii lost to Boise St., but would have been worthy had Hawaii won that game? What?! Hey, BCS honks, your system has made college football the laughing stock of all sports. It's a joke. Mix in a playoff. And while we're on the topic, Oklahoma should not be playing in the Sugar Bowl. When you lose does matter. And no, I don't care how dominant they were over the course of the entire season. They're not even the best team in the Big-12 conference, how can they be the best team in America? And now would be a pretty good time to stop calling them the best team of all-time. The best team of all-time doesn't get jacked by four TD's by a team that lost at home to Marshall. Lebron James might be getting all the run and all the jack, but right now it's all about Melo, Carmelo Anthony. The Cavs, were brutal before Lebron showed up, and they're still brutal now that he's here. The Nuggets, on the other hand, are a force and Melo has changed the look of the entire franchise. He's an old school three. He can score, board, post up and step out and knock down the three. And right now, Lebron can't hold Melo's jock. And the sooner the Cavs take him off the ball, the better off he'll be. He's not a point. He's not the next Magic and you're doing the guy a real disservice by thinking he is. 2002 Olympic gold medalist Jamie Sale laid down for FHM magazine this month. And like everyone before her, said the only reason she did it was because it was "tastefully" done. I'm assuming Jamie, that you also had the requisite 'creative control' of the shoot as well? Memo to all celebrities who resort to this when their records no longer sell or their athletic careers are over: Tasteful nude shoots is a paradox, a contrast in terms. Get naked if you want, just don't tell me that it's tasteful. Skankful? Perhaps. But tasteful? No. Not a good week for rock legend Ozzy Osbourne. First, we found out that he was sexually molested as a youngster, and that his beloved wife Sharon got with fellow band member Randy Rhodes once back in the day. And no, I don't know if that's why he bit that head off that bat on stage or snorted all those ants off it. On top of that, some Beverly Hills quack had him taking 42 pills a day in an effort to overcome his drug addiction . And he topped it all off by getting jacked up in an ATVaccident. Drugged up, incoherent old rock stars and ATV's do not mix. Next time, hire a driver Ozzy…Shaaaarrrrron! The Orange Bowl is falling for giving us yet another Miami-Florida St. match-up. Look, I like FSU v. Miami as much as the next guy, but I don't need it 3 times in less than a year. Besides, don't we all know exactly how this one is going to go? The two teams will meet at mid-field for the pre game brawl. Canes QB Brock Berlin will turn it over a few times. Florida St. QB Chris Rix will double Berlins' turnover total and FSU will shank a last second field goal and lose. Been there, done that. Britney Spears filed for a restraining order against a 41-year old Japanese man this week in 2002. Not to make light of a stalker and his fascination with something he could never have, but showing up naked and gyrating on the cover of nearly every magazine in the world is not the best way to throw freaks off the scent. If she showed up wearing more than a piece of dental floss on the cover of those mags, there might be fewer 41-year old pervs thinking that can catch up to that. Uber-bust Gigli was released on DVD this week. Meanwhile, Ben Affleck says his career has stalled because of his relationship with J-Lo. That the media and public's fascination with them has killed his box office aura. Yeah either that or the fact that your movies are unwatchable, slick. One or the other. The fact that you've been gravy-training your boy Matt Damon is also not helping your cred. I know I'll be getting my copy of Gigli this week. I'm going to slam it right between my copies of Ishtar and Water World. And for the record, Ben, it's not J-Lo, it's your inability to act. This year's Super Bowl has a nice twist, some geniuses are going to counter-program against the halftime show with the Lingerie Bowl. A pay-per-view, 7 on 7 tackle football game with lingerie models in their underwear. Team Euphoria is going to get it on with Team Dream. Football game or soft core porn film - you make the call. Team Euphoria's coach, Lawrence Taylor, said "It's all about having good clean fun." Of course, LT thought smoking crack on game day was 'good clean fun'. Is he going to send any male strippers to Team Dream's running back's room before the big game? Tough call, 20 bones for 7 on 7 skankball, or Gloria Gaynor, ZZ Top or whoever the Super Bowl has for free? I think I'll set aside the 20 bucks just to be on the safe side.moreless
  • December 03, 2003
    December 03, 2003
    Episode 17
    12/3/03
    0.0
    Statistically speaking, there's no way you don't give the Heisman trophy to Oklahoma quarterback Jason White. The numbers are just stupid. He has 40 TD passes, 6 picks and has completed 65% of his attempts. He should win the hardware and he will win. Just don't tell me that the Heisman should go to the best player in America because White isn't that. He's not even the best player on his own team. Pittsburgh wideout Larry Fitzgerald is the best player in America. Period. Trust me, he doesn't even want the Heisman. Ever since Gino Torretta won one, nobody does. Memo to Ohio St. Fan: Despite the fact that you went bezerk on both this show and in the jungle for the last two weeks, I am not going to pile on after Michigan ripped the Big Ten title from you, knocking you out of both the championship picture and the Rose Bowl. But I will pose one question. Does my commenatary of last week make me a west coast and Pac-10 honk, or does it just make me right? Apology accepted, no harm no foul. And no, you can't put this one on quarterback Craig Krenzel. If you're looking to blame someone, blame it on Michigan, they have better players than you do. After inexplicably getting love from New York Knick fans recently, Kobe Bryant admitted he has "reached a breaking point, with people talking about my family, who have nothing to do with the situation, dragging them into this and saying false things about them…that really pisses me off." The guy still doesn't get it. He's the one who dragged his family into this. He was the one who did this to himself and his family. And he did it the second he decided to have sex with a woman who was not his wife. Incredibly, he has convinced himself that he and his family are the victims. This is on you and only you, Kobe. End of story. You have to love that MLS championship game between the Chicago Fire and San Jose Earthquakes. Even better, is the fact that Chicago calls itself the "Fire". Nothing like naming your soccer team after one of the biggest disasters in the history of the city. Same with San Jose and their nickname, the Earthquakes! I mean, what's better than the prospect of all of us sliding into the ocean when the big one finally does it? I like this trend. The MLS should expand to Waco, so we can have the 'Waco FBI Fire Bombers'. Or maybe the Galaxy could change their name to the 'LA Race Riots'. Or maybe the MLS can go international with the 'Hiroshima A-bombs'. Oh, and as far as the outcome of that game? I don't know and I don't care. Really, no one does This controversy involving ESPN's show Playmakers is hilarious. NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue's objection to the show is laughable. Most people know the difference between a fictional TV show and real life. Rae Carruth is sitting in a jail cell after putting out a hit on his pregnant girlfriend. That really happened. Diedre Lane killed her husband Fred Lane. That really happened. Future Hall of Famer Ray Lewis stood nearby as a couple of guys were stabbed to death in Atlanta the week of the Super Bowl. That really happened. Hall of Famer OJ Simpson killed a couple of people. (allegedly) That really happened (allegedly). Just last week, William Green's fiance stabbed him in the back, while he was serving a four game drug suspension. That really happened. Look in the mirror, Tags! Instead of gripping about a TV show that we all know is ficitional, spend some time cleaning up your own house. Former White House intern Monica Lewinsky is falling. She told GQ magazine that she has trouble getting dates. Hard to believe that dudes don't want to get with a portly, hand bag designing, presidential homewrecker.. You have to love this misfit complaining about anything. She becomes famous for getting with the married President of the United States, basically gets him impeached and wants us to feel sorry for her because she can't meet anybody. Nice try. Besides, what happened to her boyfriend? You know, that married teacher with the ponytail? And one more thing, take your blue dresses to the cleaners for goodness sakes. Jerry Lee Lewis was arrested this week in 1976 for screaming and toting a gun outside of Graceland, demanding that he be allowed in to see Elvis. Twice. And although he may have been acting like a nutcase then, that's still only the second weirdest thing he has ever done. Nothing will ever top his marrying his 13-year old cousin. Jerry, put the gun down, stop marrying your kin and leave the King alone.moreless
  • November 27, 2003
    November 27, 2003
    Episode 16
    11/27/03
    0.0
    The Tampa Bay Bucs clearly were not big enough for both Jon Gruden and Keyshawn Johnson. One of them had to go and it wasn't going to be the head coach. Johnson doesn't like or respect Gruden and went as far as to tell him he'd rather retire than play for him in '04. So Gruden beat him to the punch and broke him right off, accomplishing a number of things in the process. One, it deflects attention from the fact that the defending super bowl champs are 4-6 and are dead in the water. Two, it reminds everyone who has the hammer in his hand. And three, Gruden knows if you let one guy walk all over you, they all will. Now, they're not a better football team without Johnson. But no one is going to jerk with Chuckie from here on out. All eyes will be on tobacco road as Roy Williams returns to Carolina and the ACC for the first time in 15 years. I spoke to Williams about that on my radio show recently and no sooner than the interview ended, disgruntled KU fans burned up the phone lines and the email saying Williams lied to them when he said he would never leave Lawrence.. Easy Jayhawk fan. He didn't lie, he had a change of heart. If he knew he was leaving and then intentionally deceived you, then it's a lie. But that's not what happened and you know it. He had an AD that he didn't get along with, he was starting to feel unappreciated locally and he couldn't say no to Dean Smith and Carolina a second time.. The guy is straight up and gave you everything he had. Instead of stabbing him in the back, you should be thanking him. Make some room fellas because apparently we have a new member for our all important RIB racist society. New York Mets superscout Bill Singer. He reportedly rolled up on Los Angeles Dodgers asst. GM Kim Ng and repeatedly asked where she was from. She told him she was born in Indiana, raised in New York and her family was from China. He then reportedly, in a mock Chinese voice, said, 'What country in China. What country in China?. Hey Einstein, China is a country. We have states, they have provinces. Even worse he blamed his meltdown on the Atkins diet. He says the low carb diet combined with beer caused a chemical imbalance. So a low carb diet, plus beers makes you John Rocker?. Nice try, bigot. good looking getting another job in baseball. Former Alabama football coach Mike Price is trying to put his life back together after allegedly rolling with a stripper who looks liked Dee Snider. He and his wife moved into a lakeside cabin belonging to Washington St. legend and NFL washout Ryan Leaf.. You know you're in a bad place when you have to go kick it with Ryan Leaf to get back on your feet. You know how it goes, 'I was losing weight, I couldn't get a job, my confidence was shot but that all changed when started hanging out at Ryan Leaf's house.' I understand the guy wants back in and he probably does deserve another chance, but you are who you roll with and you roll with Ryan Leaf. Barry Bonds is on the rise. He won an unprecedented 6th National League MVP award. And the scary thing is, it should have been his 8th. Jeff Kent and Terry Pendleton are both holding onto trophies that belong to Bonds. Barry may not be the warmest guy in the clubhouse, or the easiest guy to deal with, but make no mistake about it, he is this generation's best player, possibly the greatest player of all time. Back to back MVP's at 39. Give. Me. A . Break. Why not go for the hatrick at 40? He's just freaky enough to do it. Nebraska head coach Frank Solich is on the hot seat. The Huskers may be 8-3, but their three losses are ugly. Kansas St. smacked them 38-9 in Lincoln Saturday. They had a fourth quarter collapse against Missouri. And there's the Texas game which they didn't even bother to show up for . Add to that a humiliating loss in the championship game to Miami, equally embarrassing road losses to Penn St., Iowa St. And Kansas St. last year and the fact that Solich has lost 9 of ten road games to ranked opponents and it might be time for him to dust off his resume. His 57-19 career mark might get him an extension just about anywhere else. In Nebraska, it will probably get him run. Jack Nicholson told Playboy magazine recently that Viagra is a "godsend for older couples" and that it could "save relationships". Easy Jack. Nice to see you finally do an interview. You are an icon and an American legend, but I really don't need the visual of you all hopped on Viagra. I have a question: when did it become acceptable for everyone to openly discuss their malfunctioning cranks. I liked it much better when everyone was ashamed of their inadequacies. What's next, Nack Nicholson pumping his football through a tire? The Jackson Five appeared on Soul Train this week in 1973. Fast forward 30 years and Joe Jackson, the 5's dad admits that he took a switch and a belt to his son, Jacko. That certainly explains a lot of things. But not everything. For instance, it doesn't explain why Jacko decided to replace his original face with Diana Ross' face. Hey Mike, plenty of people have insufferable fathers; it doesn't give you the right to trade in your life as an African-American male for one as a caucasian female. Denver Broncos fb mike anderson was suspended recently by the league after a positive test for marijuana. Anderson insists he is not a stoner and blamed it on second hand smoke. Hilarious. First of all, the nfl doesn't suspend players until they've already had at least one positive test. Was the first test a result of second hand smoke also? If so, you should have gotten some new friends. If your crew gets so baked that you test postive for drugs. Twice. It's time to find a new crew. , who exactly do you roll with: robert parish. Kareem abdul ja-blunt. Bob marley. Mike anderson is a marine, a stand up guy, and a good player: that's why i hate to see him play the second hand smoke card. It's weak. (next time, just come correct: and say i like to twist a fattie while i break tape: i shouldn't have done it. Believe me, we'll all respect that more than playing darrell russell's second hand smoke card.moreless
  • November 12, 2003
    November 12, 2003
    Episode 15
    11/12/03
    0.0
    Miami Hurricanes tight-end Kellen Winslow has so much game, it's stupid, but he's out of control and it's hurting his team. He was flagged in Saturday's loss to Tennessee for ripping off his lid and nearly was flagged for standing over and taunting Vol Corey Campbell who he had just blown up. Winslow lashed out after the loss saying "It's a war. They're out to kill you, so I'm out to kill them. I'm a bleeping solider." For the last time, football is not war, war is war. Until you get hit with an anthrax blast going over the middle, you're not a soldier. And standing over a guy you just jacked up isn't being emotional, it's being bush. What good is making a play that no one else can make if you're going to negate it with a stupid penalty because you can't check yourself. As for that apology: A day late, a buck short. The defending Super Bowl champion Tampa Bay Bucs look like they're one and done. Best team in football? They're three games worse than the Carolina Panthers. The Bucs talk all the same junk they did last year but they're not backing it up this season. And their 4-5 record isn't about them having a bullseye on their back, or a brutal schedule or injury. It's about them not playing nearly as hard or having the sense of urgency that they did last year. And no, they aren't one of the best defensive teams in history either. That's a joke. Great defensive teams don't let Jake Delhomme go the length of the field to win a game when their season hangs in the balance. "Magician" David Blaine has announced his next scam, err, stunt. He's going to drop out of a helicopter into some river. He says that if he doesn't hit the water just right, he could suffer paralysis. Look, freak, we've had about enough of you. Sitting in a plastic box for a few weeks without grub isn't magic, it's fasting. Losers with a point to make do it all the time. As far as you risking paralysis in this so-called dive of death, that's a joke too. A deek, a trick, a sleight of hand. Again, if you want to show the world just how great a magician you really are, just make yourself disappear once and for all. Looking to stack advantages in his case for reinstatement, Pete Rose reportedly has become a race horse owner for the first time. A guy banned from the sport for life because of gambling, is about to get another shot for no other reason than the commissoner rolled over, and he goes out and buys a race horse. Are you freaking kidding me? What, you couldn't get a job dealing blackjack? Why not just show up at Bud Selig's office and start throwing dice in the hallway. That's dumb and it's arrogant. The world of sports has another entry in the battle against impotency. First, it was Rafael Palmeiro pimping the' little blue miracles' to combat a malfunctioning unit. Then it was that old guy loading up on Levita so he could repeatedly pump balls into that swinging hole. And now, Cialis has agreed to a deal with the PGA Tour. I can only imagine how this one is going to go. They'll have some guy in his 50's standing on the first tee in the cold, misty air with a bent up, limp driver in his hands. He dribbles drive after drive off the front of the tee box. Then he'll slam a handful of Cialis and start pumping drive after drive down the lush tree filled fairway, until he gets right near the hole. And then take out one of those long putters and slam it right into the hole. Very clever. Why not have some guy come out in a lab coat, and say, "Slam these little pills and you can once again satisfy the requirements of coitus." Believe me, it's would be a lot more subtle. Joe Paterno continues to fall. The last thing I ever want to do is pile on an elderly and legendary Joepa. But he's not leaving me much choice. Not after losing to Northwestern to remain winless in the Big 11. When asked earlier in the week if he had enough, he said defiantly, "I just like to coach. I can't seem to get that across to people. It isn't a question of ego or games won. I'm a teacher." You just like to coach? You're a teacher? Great, aren't there any high schools, or Pop Warner teams in your area? And it is a question of ego and games won. You have too much of one and not enough of the other. Hate to say it, pops, but this isn't about what you want, it's about what's good for the program. And if you really care about the program, you'll call it a career at season's end. Ohio St. running back Maurice Clarett is falling. He's already suspended from the team and now comes word that he is flunking two classes, including Phys Ed. How do you fail PE? How does an All-American football player with a National Championship fail PE? Did he try to sneak out of the locker room without a wet towel? On top of that, he was caught sleeping in his African American studies class. This is shocking. Isn't that why Mo Clarett went to Ohio St., to get an education? Never mind being the next Jim Brown, he's well on his way to becoming the next Lawrence Phillips, another guy who just couldn't seem to figure it out. Someone should go ask Oklahoma coach Bob Stoops why he's so angry. I would, but I'm afraid to. 77-0 over Texas A&M? Are you freaking kidding me? Smackdown of the week? That's the smackdown of the entire year. And it wasn't even that close. It should have been 100. And what the hell happened to A&M? I must have been in the basement or something the day they turned into SMU. Didn't they used to be hard? Didn't they used to show up, lock people up, allow negative yardage rushing and 2 first downs the entire game. A&M coach Dennis Franchione blew up Alabama's program and is now trying to do the same to A&M's. How long before that guy tries to sell me a life insurance policy? And memo to whoever is unlucky enough to draw Bob Stoops in the Sugar Bowl. Don't look directly at Bob Stoops. Don't say anything to Bob Stoops. Just show up, let him score his 50 on you and then just be happy it wasn't 100. Diff'rent Strokes star Dana Plato was born this week in 1964. Yet another child star who was ill equipped to deal as an adult and ended up in porn before dying of a drug overdose. Mr. Drummond seemed to be a nurturing caring father, but all of his kids are a mess. She OD'ed, Willis did time and even worse, appeared on celebrity boxing. And Arnold is selling his silverware on Ebay, grovelling for women on celebrity dates and running for governor. Maybe Kimberly was the one who got off easy. Here's one for all the gambling degenerates out there. Not that you suckers didn't know this already but Rutgers went into Saturday's game as the only unbeaten team in America. Unbeaten against the spread that is. 4-4 overall. But 8-0 ATS. Of course, every greasy guy with a bad sportscoat and a 900-line busted out with that one for their '5 -star, lock of the century' pick. Well, at least half of you get that one, and the other half got UConn. Shoot, like Fox, I have blown the lid off one of life's greatest magic tricks. sorry about that. What I've never understood is if these guys are so good, at picking games, why do they need my credit card number. Oh and for the record, Rutgers was a 7 point dog going in. The final score: 38-31, UConn, proving the only guys who actually have a system who are the guys laying the odds. That freak in the back room moving the line knows more about football than Bill Parcells ever did.moreless
  • November 05, 2003
    November 05, 2003
    Episode 14
    11/5/03
    0.0
    Deion Sanders says he has "great respect" for embattled Atlanta Falcons coach Dan Reeves, but wants to replace him. Yeah, and nothing says respect quite like driving a knife into a guy's back. First rule of the coaching profession Prime, don't actively lobby for a man's gig while he still has it. As if any NFL owner, even one as clueless as Arthur Blank is going to let him walk right out of a studio, with no coaching experience and no sense of what the job requires and just give him control of an NFL franchise. No problem Prime, but only if Tim McKyer gets to coach the New York Giants. The NBA player of the week has to be Willie Anderson. The former 9-year baller reportedly has fathered at least 9 kids by 7 different women. Hey Willie, since you were absent the day they covered this in 7th grade health class, let me help you out. There are two ways to avoid fathering at least 9 kids with 7 different women. One, don't have sex. Granted that is not an option for anyone in the NBA not named A.C. Green. Or, two, you could always just wrap up. Move over Steve Garvey, Shawn Kemp, Evander Holyfield, and Dr. J. We have a new champion of illegitimate kids and his name is Willie Anderson. Hey Willie, don't wait for it to rain to throw on a raincoat. The Boston Red Sox put Manny Ramirez on irrevocable waivers recently. Of course, putting on a guy on waivers is the equivalent of telling him to beat it, get lost, we don't like you. And how little do they think of the guy that they were willing to lose him and get nothing in return? Willing to risk losing him to the enemy, the New York Yankees, and not even care? Hard to believe, but no one claimed him. Afterall, who wouldn't want a $20 million dollar a year guy, who can't play the field, can't run the bases, can't be counted on to even show up for the most critical games and basically doesn't care about anything or anyone but himself. I mean, it's a mystery why nobody wanted to claim this guy. The Oakland Raiders season was already over even before their humiliating loss to the equally horrible Detroit Lions Sunday. And now you may as well throw some dirt on head coach Bill Callahan considering star corner Charles Woodson threw him right under the bus. "I think we have a coach with a very big ego. And he's not listening to the veterans….if you can't listen to guys with experience like we have on offense, then I think that's something very wrong." One thing he failed to add; just being Beau Bridges jr. is not enough to keep you employed. Hall of Famers like Jerry Rice and Tim Brown are not going to listen to the guy just because he's a stunt double for Beau Bridges. Britney Spears says he is no longer going to do any revealing photo spreads for any mags. This after recent topless shoots for the cover of Rolling Stone and British Elle and a bottomless shoot for Esquire. That's like Robert Downey Jr. going on a week long bender and then swearing off coke the next day. Right. Bad news, Brit, people aren't buying your CD's for your music. If it was just about the music, you wouldn't have had to resort to tongueing your grandmother Madonna, remember? If you want to become more irrelevant at even faster clip than you already are, by all means, stay dressed. More likely, we'll look forward to your making the cover circuit again in a few weeks. I'm thinking of changing this segment from 'Thought to Rome With', to 'This Weeks' Crackback on Reality TV.' As you know, many Europeans have a healthy disdain for all things American. We're crass, we're gauche, we all eat fast food. We have no culture. Now, this might all be true, but you can never call us out ever again. Not after ripping the most American concept of all: 'Man v. Beast'. You may remember , an unnamed network…FOX, strapped up 44 little people and had them pull an airplane in a race against an elephant who was doing the same. Well, the Euros wanted to have their own little guys have a tug of war with an elephant before the idea was shot down. How very cultured and refined. You may have your world class museums and architecture, but the second you had midgets competing with elephants, you got right down in the mud with us. Hypocrites. It was this week in 1988 that 'teen sensation' Debbie Gibson held a séance at her Halloween party. She tried to contact fellow musicians, Liberace and Sid Vicious. Yeah, those two have a lot in common. A punk rocker and a sequin wearing, candleabra worshipping pianist. I'm sure those two like to roll together in the afterlife. Hey, I see her working. She was just practicing for later. Considering her career has been dead for years, she might want to whip up another séance to see if anyone knows where it went.moreless
  • October 29, 2003
    October 29, 2003
    Episode 13
    10/28/03
    0.0
    I admit it. When they were down 2 games to 1, I said there was no way the Marlins would come back on the Yankees. Coming back on the Giants and the Cubs was one thing, but the Yanks had been there before: they knew how to finish. The Marlins were done. Dead in the water. Well, either that, or they'd win in six. One or the other. And this isn't about the Cubs choking or the Yankees not getting it done. You can't fluke your way to a world title. Well, unless you're the Angels, but that's beside the point. The Marlins were the best team in baseball. Period. As long as Jeffrey Loria doesn't begin Huizenga-ing his team next week, the fish will be one also be one of the best stories. I guess we should have listened when Bill Parcells told everyone his Cowboys team wasn't as good as its record indicated. I know this: they're not as good as the Tampa Bay Bucs. And that game wasn't as close as the final 16-0 score indicated. It was humbling but it could have been humiliating. Although they were shutout, Dallas running back Troy Hambrick was not impressed. "You think they've got a great defense? I think we made enough mistakes to make them look good." If they don't have a great defense, then you have a very bad offense. Clearly, this is a team that has to learn how to win and how to lose. What's so surprising about Pat Riley bailing on the Miami Heat five days before the start of the season? The Heat struck out in free agency, they overpaid for Lamar Odom and Riley obviously didn't feel like suffering through another 30 win season. So he quit. Of course, if any of his guys ever tried that on him, he'd have them run right out of the league. No coach gets more out of his players, but he didn't have nearly enough players. And that's his own fault: he picked the players. Great coach, poor evaluator of talent. And that's why he's no longer on the bench. The US anti-doping agency continues to look into a possible conspiracy involving chemists, coaches ad athletes. Athletes cheat? Nooo way. Tell me something I don't know. Now, I can't tell you definitively who is and who isn't cheating, but I don't need any empirical data to know it's going on. I have two eyes. I can see. Athletes have always cheated and they always will. Authorities may have gotten lucky and stumbled on to the latest designer drug, THG, but trust me, there's already something in the pipeline to take it's place. The cheaters will always stay a step ahead of the cops. Perhaps you followed the explosive controversy surrounding purported comedian Carrot Top this past week. 'Top is that rather disturbing dude who pimps collect phone calls on TV. And according to a published report, he was recently seen at a trendy, New York gay bar 'wearing eyeliner. He also had a muscle shirt on to show off his incredibly ripped arms." 'Top immediately issued a statement saying he is "definitely not gay." Look, I don't care if he is or isn't. Where he goes and what he does is his own business. My greater concern is how to keep this guy off my TV. Because, gay or not, if I see him skate into one more pay phone, I think I'll start wearing eyeliner and dye my hair red too. Producer David Gest, who more than anything else wanted to be David Minelli, but it wasn't meant to be. Liza filed for divorce and denied allegations that she beat him down physically. D. Minelli is suing Liza Minelli saying he has to slam 11 different meds a day in order to deal with pain caused by her allegedly rolling him up. Look Dave, I know you're not exactly a lumberjack or longshoreman or anything. But do you have to be the softest guy walking the face of the earth. You weren't married to Chyna; you were married to a bloated, 57-year old pill popper. Mix in a spine. Northern Illinois is falling. We no longer have to worry about NIU crashing the BCS party because they were slapped by Bowling Green Saturday 34-18. Goobye major bowl bid. They do have some nice wins. But they aren't BCS material. You're not a BCS team if you play in the MAC. Period. One more thing, instead of getting all worked up every time one of these mid major, flavor of the months upsets someone early and starts banging on the BCS door, let's actually have them finish their schedule before we start sweating this. This comes up every year, and every year some trendy team takes a header before they get there. It's the BYU-Fresno St. Syndrome. When are we going to learn? Marilyn Monroe and legendary New York Yankee Joe Dimaggio were divorced this month in 1954, just ten months after getting married. That seemed to go pretty well for the Yankee Clipper. 10 months of Marilyn in exchange for 40 years of bitterness and hatred. Sounds about right. Then again, I might be a bit little out of sorts too if the President and his brother were taking turns with my ex-wife. Look at the bright side Joe, you did get to roll with Marilyn, even if it was for just 10 months. That has to count for something. It takes a real man to admit when he is wrong and I admit it.. With the announcement of The Surreal Life 2, I have changed mind about reality TV. A couple of weeks ago I said here that if you like it, you're a bad person and not very smart. Well, I take it all back. Producers say Tammy Faye Bakker, porn industry dirt ball Ron Jeremy, Erik Estrada and Vanilla Ice are among the degenerates and no lifers that will be sharing living space in Surreal Life 2. Ron Jeremy? I have enough trouble sharing the same state with this slug much less the same dinner table. And how good is Ponch? What, were John, Grossy and Sarge not interested? And how did V. Ice break free of his busy schedule to move in? I guess he was available. And how did they get Tammy Fay Bakker? Isn't she obligated to Larry King Live, five nights a week. It took a revolting porn star, a disgraced rapper, a television CHP officer and a televangelist's wife for me to come over to the dark side, but here I am. Realty TV rocks. How long before Jeremy, Faye Bakker and Ice wake up in the same bed together?moreless
  • October 22, 2003
    October 22, 2003
    Episode 12
    9/22/03
    0.0
    Former LPGA star Jan Stephenson is pretty enlightened. When asked about the LPGA tour she said, "This is probably going to get me in trouble, but the Asians are killing the tour." This is probably going to get you into trouble? Ya' think? Racist statements usually do, Jan. What does that even mean? How does a race of people "kill" a sport? Just be thankful no one even knows or cares who you are, or you'd be in even more trouble. After getting some flack, Stephenson doubled back and tried to apologize. Wake up, it's 2003. You're killing us Jan. And by 'us', I mean, open minded, intelligent, reasonable people. Apology not accepted, racist. Jacksonville punter Chris Hanson is out for the rest of the season after slicing himself open with an ax. Jags coach Jack Del Rio dropped an axe and tree stump in the locker room to further illustrate his 'keep chopping wood' metaphor. Well, he missed the stump. Hanson of course, was badly burned in 2002 after getting hit with a burning pot of fondue in his home. If this guy is going down with self-inflicted fondue and axe wounds, he's not going to make to 40. How does he not slit his throat shaving? Soccer star Beckham dropped a bomb recently saying he is considering a move to the US. "I've always said, the one thing I love about America is that they are so patriotic about their sports…in America, they look after their sports stars." Translated, I'll make twice as much jack here in America. You may think so, but you won't. Bro, no offense, I wouldn't know who you are if you walked right onto this set. True, we are patriotic about our sports, except soccer. That we don't care about. And yes, we do look after our sports stars, probably to a fault. Again, that won't be your concern as no one here knows or cares about you. Stay in Europe and continue to be the most overrated athletes on the face of the earth, Becks. Cosmonaut Lance Bass is falling. Bass, a member of the Backstreet Men, O-town or The New Men on the Block, (Quite frankly, I don't know and I don't care.) Anyway you'll recall he wanted to go into space but couldn't come up with the $20 mill the Russians required. So they stoned him. He recently told a group of middle-schoolers, "Just stick with math and science and dream big." This from a guy who missed the 100-dollar question on the millionaire game show. Screw John Glenn, Buzz Aldrin or Neil Armstrong, let's get a guy who dances in unison with four other middle aged dudes with frosted lettuce, trying to sell records to 12 year old girls. Perfect. Actress Angelina Jolie, who in a town of freaks, is now the freakiest one of them all. Now comes word that she has been slamming cockroaches. "I developed a taste for the stuff while I was in Cambodia. I've eaten cockroaches and bee larvae and crickets. You can get them with peanuts inside with guts. They're really meaty and high protein." Look, freak, we looked the other way when you wore your husband's blood around your neck. We pretended not to notice when you made out with your brother. But this is over the top. We get it. You're weird. Enough. Stop eating things out of the dump. Saturday Night Live debuted on NBC this week in 1975. It was a groundbreaking and revolutionary comedy show that helped launch the careers of such stars as John Belushi, Bill Murray and Eddie Murphy. Fast forward 28 years to a cast of smug comedians barely able to contain themselves while reading their bad jokes. Now would be a pretty good time to take this dog out back and shoot it. Or at the very least, stop having your cast members die. Incredibly, Michael Jackson has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for promoting peace through pop music. However, even those who give out the award admit that Wacko Jacko is not a serious candidate to win. Really? I thought he'd be a lock. Having repeated surgeries on your grill should bring an end to the conflict in the Middle East shouldn't it? Dangling a baby over a railing should end the war in Afghanistan, right? Certainly, all the quality time he spends alone with various youngsters promotes world peace, right? I'm all for him winning it. Just as long as Roman Polanski, Luis Polonia and Gary Glitter get theirs too.moreless
  • October 7, 2003
    October 7, 2003
    Episode 11
    10/7/03
    0.0
    Patrick Graber, a Swiss bodybuilder, has been charged with multiple felonies for allegedly offering to kill Kobe Bryant's accuser for $3 million bucks. Investigators, posing undercover, agreed to pay Graber a mill up front and $2 mill after the hit and then took him down when Graber made a grab at a bag full of fake jack. Rocket scientist. Earlier this month, a university of Iowa student was arrested for leaving a threatening message on the woman's answering machine. Look, I'm sure that Kobe is appreciates that all you would-be murderers and crank callers have his back, but what do you say we just leave this to authorities and the judicial system. Besides, Bryant has enough to worry about what with the loss of reputation, the possibility of countless years in the hole and the millions he had to pay his wife just to get back in his house. Speaking of your wife, k, had you limited your sex to just her and no one else you would have saved yourself a whole helluva lot of trouble and money. It's a good thing the Philadelphia Eagles were off this week, or Philly fan would have thrown Donovan Mcnabb right under the team bus. Look, the guy obviously isn't right. Right now, he's not the player he was. Anyone can see that. And Donovan, who told you, you were Dan Fouts? You're not a pocket passer, stop acting like it. The ability to kill teams with both your arm and feet is what set you apart. Now, having said all that, it's time for all the haters to roll off this guy; it's as if he went from being one of the game's most dynamic players to its most overrated ever in two week's time. The guy is in a slump; it happens to everyone. . He's led this club to the NFC title game twice and has been to the pro bowl 3 times. You don't kick him to the curb after two bad games or give the rock to A.J. Feeley. He's still the chise. Still, McNabb had better have used this week to get his dome right because if buffalo does them Sunday, Philly will treat him like he's Mitch Williams, Santa Claus and Mike Schmidt all rolled into one. After Saturday's disastrous loss to Marshall in Manhattan, maybe now Kansas St. will play a real schedule. Notice I said the wildcats disastrous loss and not Marshall's big win. Wildcat coach bill Snyder wastes ridiculous amounts of time making sure his players always fly on the shady side of the plane, eat only soft butter and take the shortest possible routes to every game and practice. Then after all that, he fails to prepare them for marshal. They weren't ready, they thought they could just show up because of the name on the front of their gear and they got smacked. Snyder was thinking he was pretty smart for scheduling marshal when he saw stud q.b. ell Roberson go down recently. But he wasn't. Their schedule is half their problem. Teams ranked sixth in the country should not be playing Umass and McNeese St. And then when they stepped up to play 1-2 marshal, they got slapped. It was one thing when Snyder was trying to build a program ten years ago; those dogs on his schedule served a purpose. But they don't any more . You're never going to be seen as a major national program until you start acting like one. And more importantly, playing like one. The iditarod dog sled race is still six months away but musher Rachael Scdoris has already scored a win of sorts. Scdoris, who is blind, will be allowed to compete in the race with the help of other seeing-mushers. Good for her. As for the other so-called athletes in the event, what the hell are you doing out there? Besides riding through the snow, beating on a bunch of exhausted, hungry, cold, dogs with a whip. Sounds verrrry sporting. Who wouldn't like to spend the winter, nearly freezing to death, all the while getting to pound on puppies. Me, that's who. This isn't the iditatorod, it's the I killed a dog. Afterall, nothing says thrill of victory quite like beating your dogs longer and harder than the next guy. Congratulations on getting in Rachel. Just be thankful you won't have to see the carnage for yourself. Rashaun Woods is on the rise. He broke a division a-a record with 7 T.D. catches against SMU Saturday. Is 7 T.D. Receptions any good? He scored T.D.'s on 3 consecutive plays at one point. Hate to say it, but SMU might deserve the death penalty a second time after that performance. Besides , do you really think that any one of those guys want to go out there again after having a guy catch 7 td. Passes on them? Memo to SMU coach Phil Bennett: feel free to mix in a double team. Alex Zanardi is going to make a one race comeback despite losing both of his legs in a crash back in September of 2001. Look, I understand that these guys are wired differently than the rest of us and that it takes a different dude to get into one of those rigs to begin with. But my man has no sticks. And he still wants back in his rig. And this isn't some choreographed Nykeska sales type stunt to get him a record. He's going to race in a specially designed BMW at the Oct. 19 Fia European touring car championship in Monza. Alex Zanardi might be the ultimate male. The New York jets are falling after falling to 0-3 and getting knocked out by the beaten down New England Patriots Sunday. Hate to say it, but running back Curtis martin isn't running downhill, he's going downhill. The numbers don't lie: he's 30, never a good thing for a running back, and he has just 133 yards rushing, and no T.D.'s in three games. It reminds me of something the jets told me last year when we called to book martin as a guest on my radio show: "Curtis only does positive interviews." I respect that. But it's awfully hard to keep it positive when your season just ended only three weeks after it started. It was 20 years ago this week that Austrian body builder Arnold Schwarzeneggar became a u.s. citizen. Fast forward 2 decades, several unwatchable movies, at least one orgy that we know of, some dope smoking, and steroid shooting, and he is trying to become governor of this state. Utterly hilarious. Yeah, right up until the point that he is elected and me and the other 34.5 million people who live here have to deal with the consequences. I don't think starring in kindergarten cop qualfies him to run the world's fifth largest economy.moreless
  • September 17, 2003
    September 17, 2003
    Episode 10
    8/17/03
    0.0
    First the Florida Gators throw a crocodile on the cover of their media guide and then they come from ahead to tank against Miami, 38-33. . And that's what that was, a tank job. I don't care how young the crocs are, or the fact that they were 2 t.d. dogs, giving up 28 unanswered points to lose to your in-state rival is a choke job pure and simple. Incredibly, Croc Shanon Snell fueled by both his own my opia and sense of denial actually thought the crocs proved a point: "everyone was watching this and now they know the gators are for real." What?! His team blew a 23 point lead to the canes and not only is he not mad, he's celebrating? I never thought I'd see the day when the gators would be celebrating moral victories over the canes. And that's what they're doing. And that's pathetic. Wild weekend for the New York Yankees: Friday, George Steinbrenner sounded like he was going to start whacking coaches and breaking off players. He even smacked manager Joe Torre for not be tough enough saying, "we can't be hugging players when they are doing dumb things. Maybe the time for hugging is over. We need to get tough." Then by Sunday, he had chilled out, saying, "there are no plans anywhere to fire anybody." Right, until they get rolled up again in the playoffs and then coaches Rick Down, Mel Stottlemyre and Don Zimmer can start looking for work. As for Joe Torre, George, you don't decide when Joe Torre leaves, Torre decides. The guy has led your club to four world titles and five pennants: he didn't forget how to manage overnight and he doesn't need you looking over his shoulder second guessing his every move. You hired the man to do a job, now let him do it. Back off, George. Governor Schwarzeneggar: he skipped a debate recently with the other legitimate candidates and then had a heckler dot him with an egg during a speech. Then he busted on rivals Gray Davis and Cruz Bustamante saying , "those guys are the twin terminators of Sacramento." Good one, Arnie. No really, I never get tired of those ridiculous movie quips that some intern writes for you. (your candidacy have been tuhminated, Ahhnold. Too bad, I was really looking forward to watching him run our state into the ground). The basketball hall of fame: for letting meadowlark lemon in. Look, I know how much you all love those basketball playing clowns, but if you let this guy in, you're going to have to let bozo the clown in as well. Believe me, he's at least as deserving. Does the hall have a clown wing that I don't know about? A ladder, confetti, a ball under his shirt, the three man weave: that's not basketball, that's the circus. Does lobster boy get in also? Pittsburgh Stealer lb Joey Porter. Just three days after being shot in the backside and having the bullet lodge in his right thigh, Porter was at practice trying to talk his way into playing in the opener: "if the hole closes up pretty quickly without any infection, give me a shot and I'll be ready to go." Give you a shot? You were shot! Bro, this isn't playmakers, this is the NFL and real life. You've got a burning slug in your leg. The needle won't fix that. (yeah, NFL players aren't twisted). Jennifer Capriati, at the u.s. open, was up 5-2 in the third, serving for the match twice, before snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, against Justine Henin-hardenne. I don't know how to say this other than to just say it: you don't blow 5-2 leads in the third set of grand slam events. Unless your name is Jana Novotna. A loss like this may have devastated a younger Capriati., but I'm sure you'll roll with this one. Just to be sure someone should check all area motels to ensure that Jen doesn't have her lips wrapped around a bong with a bunch of teenage leaches ready to use her for her credit cards again. Women's tennis doesn't need that and neither does Jen. *smackdown: Detroit tiger Mike Mirth finally lost magic number 20 Friday night, but the smackdown is not on him. It's on 20 game loser, and now just loser, Brian Kingman. Kingman, of course, was the last guy to lose 20. No other professional athlete in the history of sports would ever want to have anything to do with a mark like that: Kingman, though, has revelled in his lack of talent. Those 20 losses have essentially given him a reason to live. Now, that's gone. Now, he's just another bad big leaguer. I hated to see a quality guy, who pitched his guts end up with this dubious distinction, but someone had to get it. Thanks to Maroth, MLB is rid of Brian Kingman once and for all. *when in Rome: It was at this time in 1966 that star trek premiered on NBC. Fast forward 37 years and several generations of losers, errr trekkies, are still worshipping at the altar of captain James T. Kirk. Look freaks, it's a t.v. show. And not a very good one at that. Pretty disturbing, actually. Put away the Spock ears, lose the ridiculous kling-on language and go find yourselves a life. And the same goes for you Star Wars fan, Dungeons and Dragons fans , and the rest of you misfits. It was 30 years ago this season that OJ Simpson broke the 2000 yard barrier in a single season. An incredible accomplishment, esp. Considering he did it in 14 games. Too bad, 30 years later, almost no one knows he did it and the few who do, don't care. Murdering a couple of people tends to obscure any and all athletic achievements. I think we all agree, two murders always trumps 2000 yards rushing. Jennifer Lopez is all bent because someone leaked the details about her Santa Barbara wedding to bad actor and Matt Damon gravy train Ben Affleck. J-lo is looking to go soprano on the person who ratted them out. Easy, lo: after you divorce him in six months, you can just keep the next one a secret. Ease up, girlfriend.moreless
  • September 3, 2003
    September 3, 2003
    Episode 9
    9/3/03
    0.0
    The Detroit Tigers didn't offer Phil Mickelson a minor league contract meaning he has to abort his ridiculous dream of becoming a pitcher. Lefty had actually thrown to some minor leaguers, even offering double aa'ers $300 bones if they took him yard. Hefty, is there anything you won't bet on? Despite being told to go away, he just can't let it go: "throwing a baseball is an important part of my workout program, so if I can get my speed up to 85 mph or above consistently, I wouldn't rule out trying this again." Turn the page, h. What happens if you blow out your elbow in one of these adult fantasy camps of yours or some minor league scrub cracks open your skull with a line drive? Do you think tiger woods or anyone who takes their craft seriously would ever try something like this? Of course not. Phil, you're a guy with way too much money and time on your hands and not enough desire to get better. And now you're embarrassing yourself. Stop it. Bill Romanowski has apologized for breaking teammate Marcus Williams face but I'm guessing that's not going to make Williams feel any better. The raiders, though, weren't that concerned about the attack. They were just thrilled that it was Williams and not rich Gannon or jerry rice. They suspended Romo for just one practice; in effect rewarded him, giving him a day off for his efforts. If you go down the hallway and break a co-worker's orbital bone, you can expect to be taken away in cuffs. Of course, they knew what they were getting when they brought this psycho in. Romo is crazy.. Look, I understand he lives on the edge, plays on the edge and wouldn't be the player he is, if he didn't. But this is way over the top. Some of his borderline cheapshots are one thing, but pounding a teammate onto injured reserve, and knocking him out for the season is entirely another. That's not football, that's assault. Shaquille O'Neal told the l.A. Times recently he has lost 15 pounds and that he's ready to go: "a lot of people talk about me as if I had a weight problem. The only problem I had was waiting for the ball. So run it through the diesel. I'm mad and I'm ready to go." Always reaching for the one liner that just isn't there, eh daddy? First of all, you absolutely had a weight problem. You didn't wait too long for the ball, you waited too long to push away from the table. You waited too long in the drive through line. And most of all, you waited too long to have surgery on your toe, got much too fat and then tried to play yourself back into shape during the season and it didn't work. But of course, that's our fault, and your teammates' fault for not getting you the ball. Typical O'Neal: he fails to take any responsibility for his play or attitude last year and then lashes out at everybody else. Of course, he'll use that to fuel his fire, lose some weight and come back and dominate. Whatever it takes for you to earn your check big man, something you didn't do last year. It looks as if this state might not be run by a former juicer turned action hero afterall. Although, I will say, governor Schwarzeneggar has weathered the storm pretty well. Arnold told Oui, a now defunct skank rag, in 1977, that he engaged in group sex and like to burn the hippie lettuce and hash., as well as hang out with bar owners and hookers. Political careers are blown up over a burning blunt or a single misspeak, but Arnold can smoke the chronic, engage in group sex and it's all good? How does that work? And how were Arnie and the fellas all able to perform: I would have thought all the roids they were jamming into their bodies might have prevented them from being "up" to the task so to speak. Look, every politician has some skeletons in his closet, but not too many have admitted to having group sex, hitting the bong, and having a father who belonged to the nazi party. You will not be back! It looks as if this state might not be run by a former juicer turned action hero afterall. Although, I will say, Governor Schwarzeneggar has weathered the storm pretty well. Arnold told Oui, a now defunct skank rag, in 1977, that he engaged in group sex and like to burn the hippie lettuce and hash., as well as hang out with bar owners and hookers. Political careers are blown up over a burning blunt or a single misspeak, but Arnold can smoke the chronic, engage in group sex and it's all good? How does that work? And how were Arnie and the fellas all able to perform: I would have thought all the roids they were jamming into their bodies might have prevented them from being "up" to the task so to speak. Look, every politician has some skeletons in his closet, but not too many have admitted to having group sex, hitting the bong, and having a father who belonged to the nazi party. You will not be back! Mike Tyson, who has signed to compete in k-1, or extreme fighting, ultimate fighting, no rules fighting, human cockfighting or whatever you want to call it, in Japan. Of course, it's the next logical step on mike's one way trip to carnivals and state fairs. Next stop, professional wrestling, and then it won't be long before mike is chilling with the bearded lady, lobster boy, fighting guys out of the stands, tearing telephone books in half and bending steel bars with his teeth. As for no rules fighting, well, from the looks of Evander Holyfield's ear, I don't think he followed the rules that closely anyway. Just when you think that the MTV awards can't get any more outrageous, Madonna, Brittany spears and Christina Aguilera exchange tongues on camera. . Well done, ladies. And very spontaneous. Shocking only in its predictability. Madonna is a 40-something mom, trying desperately to hang on, that little orgy actually made Aguilera look more dignified than she normally does and clearly, Brittany still hasn't gotten over getting dumped by that guy with the afro from o-town, or boys to men or whatever band he was in. Look I'm fine with MTV not showing videos anymore but when did they become a porn channel? The USC Trojans: it's official, coach Pete Carroll has restored the Trojan program to national prominence. The Trojans, with question marks at quarterback and running back went into auburn Saturday and punched the tigers right in the mouth, shutting them out 23-0. A nice swift buttkicking by the Trojans. This on the heels of last year's smackdown of overhyped and overrated Iowa in the orange bowl. Thanks to Carroll, the Trojan program will once again be known for Heisman trophy winners and new year's day games and not homicidal former running backs and a white horse. And a very happy 45th birthday this week to none other than the king of freaks, errr. Pop, Michael Jackson. And what do you get a guy who already has Disneyland in his back yard? I mean, other than more kids? For his amusement park, of course. And he has so much to celebrate: a career that's in the toilet, more lawsuits than he can count, one whacked marriage after another, a butchered grill, financial trouble and one baby dangled off a hotel balcony. I don't even want to know who or what is going to pop out of his cake. Happy birthday Jacko, you're a sick freak. Just like clockwork, Orenthal j. Simpson is back in the news. This time, for telling playboy magazine, (I know, you read it for the articles) that he got off because he had the money and that he was able to deal with all the stress by firing up the hippie lettuce at night: "I didn't commit the crime. That is why I got off..but I don't know if I could have proven my innocence if I didn't have the money." Oadge really is something. He's actually convinced himself that he didn't do it. But he's right about one thing, if he didn't have the jack, he probably would be rotting in a jail cell right now. As for his drug usage, "my drug of choice now is vioxx. When I got out of jail, I kind of appreciated pot more than I ever have in my life." Considering what he did, that guy probably would have to stuff his bong full to sleep at night. I would imagine the demons from the double murders come on pretty strong when the lights go out (allegedly) memo to everyone in the world, stop talking to this guy and maybe he'll just go away once and for all. (getting away with murder would have been good enough for the rest of us, why isn't it for you?)moreless
  • August 27, 2003
    August 27, 2003
    Episode 8
    8/27/03
    0.0
    Jim talks about Ben Curtis and Shaun Micheel being the last two Major winners on the PGA Tour.
  • August 13, 2003
    August 13, 2003
    Episode 7
    8/13/03
    0.0
    Jim's topics include the sentencing of the man who assaulted Kansas City coach Tom Gamboa last year in Chicago.
  • August 6, 2003
    August 6, 2003
    Episode 6
    8/6/03
    0.0
    Jim's topics include Alex Rodriguez of the Texas Rangers.
  • July 22, 2003
    July 22, 2003
    Episode 5
    7/22/03
    0.0
  • July 15, 2003
    July 15, 2003
    Episode 4
    6/15/03
    0.0
    Jim talks about Karl Malone and Gary Payton looking for a cheap championship ring by signing with the Lakers.
  • July 8, 2003
    July 8, 2003
    Episode 3
    7/8/03
    0.0
    Jim talks about Barry Bonds becoming the first 500-500 (500 home runs and 500 stolen bases) guy in the history of Major League Baseball.
  • June 25, 2003
    June 25, 2003
    Episode 2
    6/25/03
    0.0
    Jim talks about the heavyweight champion fight between Lennox Lewis and Vitali Klistchko.
  • June 17, 2003
    June 17, 2003
    Episode 1
    6/17/03
    0.0
    Jim talks about Sammy Sosa using a corked bat in a game.
Sunday
No results found.
Monday
No results found.
Tuesday
No results found.