Jim Rome is Burning - Season 2

Weekdays 4:30 PM on ESPN Premiered Jun 01, 2003 In Season




Episode Guide

  • Nnamdi Asomugha
    Nnamdi Asomugha
    Episode 192
    Jim talks to Oakland Raiders player Nnamdi Asomugha.
  • November 4, 2004
    November 4, 2004
    Episode 10
    Hey Laker fan, hope you enjoyed the first two games of the season because that's the way it's going to go all year long. Kobe Bryant gets his teammates, most notably Chris Mihm, involved and they win the opener against Denver. Pretty hilarious that he wouldn't pass the ball to Shaquille O'Neal but that he will pass it to Mihm. Then last night, Chris Mihm remembered he was Chris Mihm, Bryant had no help and they were hammered by Utah. Nothing like Bryant pouring in 38 and the Lakers still losing by 26. This is what you signed up for Kobe. You didn't want Shaq or Phillip around, now it's your show, you're the man. You're the man on a team that just got its head beat in by a slightly above average Utah team. The man on a team that will be lucky to finish at .500 this year. Congratulations on being the new Dominique Wilkins.

    As end zone celebrations go, Terrell Owens' clown job on Ray Lewis this past Sunday surpassed anything he has done to date. And as you might imagine, Lewis was not down. "I didn't see it. Not at all. If you're going to play a football game, don't be a coward and wait until you make one play and do something. Just play football." Trust me, he saw it. And if you don't like Owens clowning you, keep him out of the end zone.

    All in all, a great day for TO. His team won, he had a big day and he clowned the most dangerous man in the NFL. The only thing missing was him calling Jeff Garcia gay, otherwise it would have been a perfect day for TO

    Nice of Boston red sox funnyman Kevin Millar to admit that he and his teammates started throwing down shots of Jack Daniels before game 6 of the ALCS and continued through the rest of the postseason. No, it didn't cost them the ring and, I'm not saying that this sort of thing doesn't go on, or that Millar and the fellas took the field plastered. They didn't. But, don't tell me his teammates aren't bent that he went with that on a TV show, because they are. You know one of them probably said, 'Hey, Kev, why don't you go with me cheating on my wife on the road; if it will help your segment, I'm good with it." Them doing it isn't a big thing. Him saying it is. All players want to know that what is said, done and seen in the clubhouse, stays there. And I would imagine them pounding shots of whiskey before playoff games falls into that category.

    Quote of the week belongs to Minnesota Timberwolves player Latrell Sprewell who's bent that the team hasn't hooked him up with a contract extension: "Why would I want to help them win a title? They're not doing anything for me. I've got a lot of risk here. I've got my family to feed." Why would I want to help them win a title? I don't know, because it's your job?! Because I was under the impression that's why all pro athletes play the game, to win a ring. And is there anything funnier than a pro athlete, much less one who has banked the jack that Spree has, complaining that he has to feed his family, when there are people out there who really are struggling to feed their families? Sorry, but that rings just a little hollow for me.

    Siegfried and Roy can come out of hiding. Wayne Newton, Celine Dion and Danny Ganz can once again sleep at night. The transvestites and Joan Rivers impersonators can again walk the strip with their heads held high because former Raiders kicker Cole Ford is in custody. Remember, it was Ford who emptied a shotgun into the home of Siegfried and Roy back in September. As for Ford, at least he'll no longer be remembered as the guy who missed all those big kicks for the Raiders. Now he'll be known as the nut job who opened fire on a couple of sequined, cape-wearing magicians. Look, I know he's dealing with some mental health issues, and I hope he gets the help he needs, but who's going to protect David Copperfield?

    Rising, Oklahoma freshman running back Adrian Peterson. Memo to all Heisman voters: pull your heads out and base your votes on a guy's ability not on his class. Anyone who says they will never vote for a freshman should have their vote ripped. You're supposed to vote for the best player in America, not the best upper classman. . The guy dropped 225 yards on Texas, 249 on Oklahoma St. And right now, is the best player in America and deserves the Heisman trophy.

    Proving once again that he is the biggest baby in all of baseball, Sammy Sosa cracked back on the Cubs, saying he felt mistreated and humiliated when Dusty Baker dropped him to sixth in the batting order: "I'm not a sixth batter. I'm a cleanup hitter or third because I've earned that right with almost 600 homeruns." Hank Aaron has 755 homeruns and I don't see the Braves still batting him fourth, Sam. Let me see if I have this straight. He abandons his team for the final game of the year because he's upset about trade rumors, but the team mistreated him?! Right. And that really was just a batting practice stick that opened up, leaving cork all over the infield at Wrigley.

    The University of North Carolina, Charlotte is no longer a real university. . Not after I heard that they have a class which allows students to watch American karaoke, errr, American Idol. The class, 'Examining American Idol' is worth 3 course credits and requires students to write an essay on who should win. Is this college or kindergarten? How many units for finger-painting and not eating the Play-Doh? I mean, what says 'higher education' more than watching a bunch of no talent hacks butcher other musicians' songs? Incredible. Look, reality TV has already dumbed this country down to alarming levels. The last thing we need is to give it legitimacy in a university environment. Then again, why do I even bother? Even I admit I'm fighting a losing battle. I might as well get on board. I'm now anxiously awaiting 'Deconstructing The Apprentice 201', and 'Introduction to WifeSwap 5'. Come on. This can't be a real course at a real university, can it?moreless
  • October 27, 2004
    October 27, 2004
    Episode 9
    It was only a matter of time before Milton Bradley went Milton Bradley and it happened Tuesday night at Dodger Stadium. Some knucklehead fired a plastic bottle in his direction and in an equally knuckleheaded display; Bradley fired it back into the seats. Look if you throw anything onto the field, you're an idiot, but Bradley has to keep his dome. He can't react that way. Then again, it's not really his fault. He's crazy. Hello suspension, goodbye season, goodbye Dodger career, thanks for coming. This was the reason he was run out of C-town. This was the meltdown everyone was waiting for in LA and it couldn't have come at a worse time.

    How good is the NFL? There isn't anything about this league that I don't love. The speed, the violence, the smack talking, the rivalries. But there's nothing I love more about the NFL, than all the grease balls that bust out with their TV shows, radio shows, newsletters and websites dedicated to providing you with exclusive analysis: in other words, gambling picks. Look, I get that a lot of you like to get down, that gambling is an enormous industry. But if these guys are such experts, why do they need my credit card number? Why do they tell half of you to go one way and half of you to go the other way with their 'five star, lock of all eternity' pick. Oops, looks like I just gave up the scam. Now, here's my pick of the century, no matter how hard you try, you will never make money gambling on the NFL; that's why they have point spreads.

    The more things change the more they stay exactly the same. Bill Parcells still owns Joe Gibbs and the Redskins still can't beat the Cowboys. Fact is, this isn't a Parcells-Gibbs thing as much as it is a Cowboys-Redskins thing. Never mind the Tuna, the Skins couldn't beat Chan Gailey or Dave Campo. It doesn't matter what hack the Cowboys throw under a headset, Washington can't beat them . The cowboys are 13-1 against Washington since 1997. At least it's not a rivalry game or anything that is a joke. The league's best team shouldn't lose to the league's worst team 13 times in 14 games. Speaking of Gibbs, how long until Dan Snyder fires his idol?…

    Tough couple of weeks for Oscar de la Hoya. First he gets blown up by Bernard Hopkins in the ring. Nothing like getting your liver exploded on pay-per-view TV. I would imagine that felt below average. And now comes word that Oscar's TV show, the next great champ is going to get cancelled, possibly as soon as this week. Look, I had no qualms with Oscar throwing on leather pants, going Ricky Martin and voicing a few tracks, but throwing is hat into the reality TV genre was embarrassing. Even Magic Johnson thought that TV show was unwatchable.

    Speaking of livers, whisky drinkers and necks everywhere are outraged that Jack Daniels is going to dilute its famous brew by dropping it from 86 to 80 proof. To hear these people talk about it, you'd think the world was coming to an end. Look, you can still make your bathtub gin as potent as you like. No one is telling you how lethal to make your backyard shine. Just know this; if JD's decision to drop the percentage of alcohol in its whisky has any sort of negative impact on your life, you need to check yourself into a clinic as soon as this show is over. In the meantime, if you're jones'ing that hard, go kill what's left of the rubbing alcohol you have under the sink.

    What all great athletes want more than anything else, is to go out on top: but very few of them actually do it. John Elway comes to mind. And to that short list, you can add iconic hot dog eating champ, Takeru Kobayashi. Kobayashi, who once killed 53 1/2 dogs in 12 minutes, is thinking about shutting it down: "I want to retire before I disappoint my fans. It's not the competition that I fear. It's a decline in my own abilities. I must go out on top." Exactly. I can't bear the thought of some young freak blowing by a cholesterol riddled, bloated, disinterested Kobyashi. I could handle seeing Willie Mays drop fly balls in center field for the Mets, or Johnny Unitas stumbling around the backfield with the Chargers. But no true sports fan wants to see Kobyashi yank after crushing just 8 dogs. That I could not bear. Long live the King.

    And finally, there's reportedly another Paris Hilton sex tape floating around. In this episode of Paris gets freaky, she allegedly gets after it with backstreet man and former boyfriend Nick Carter in the back seat of a car. Then she answers the door naked and is shown rolling up blunts. Look, P, if you want to be a porn star, go right ahead; no one is stopping you. But enough of this nonsense about people breaking into your Hollywood Hills home and stealing these tapes. Be a porn star. That's fine. At least then, you'll be famous for a reason. Because as it stands now, I have no idea why I even know who you are.moreless
  • September 17, 2004
    September 17, 2004
    Episode 8
    Florida marlins owner Jeffrey Loria is a pretty superstitious guy and wasn't about to take any chances during the team's recent 9-game winning streak. He'd sit in the same seat, talk to the same usher, while eating the same mints and go to the same gas station every day. Plus, he would always finish his bottle of water by the 7th inning. Look, it works, right? Well, it's the mints, bottled water and gas station or the fact that he has four pitchers named Willis, Beckett, Pavano and Burnett. One or the other. For some strange reason, I think Josh Beckett is still one of the best young pitchers in baseball regardless of whether or not Loria kills his bottle of water on time. Leave that nonsense to the players, Jeff.

    Taking nothing from Albert Pujols, Scott Rolen and Jim Edmonds of the St. Louis cardinals or Adrian Beltre of the Los Angeles Dodgers, but Barry Bonds is hands down the NL MVP. Take any of those three off St. Louis and they're still a playoff team. Take Bonds away from Frisco and they're no longer a major league team. And he's again putting up absolutely ridiculous numbers with almost no protection in the lineup. Baseball is the one sport with a single individual isn't supposed to be able to carry an entire team. But this guy does. The opposing manager has to always be thinking: where's Barry? When's he coming up again? What are we going to do with him? No one else dead or alive was ever afforded that level of respect. He's your MVP. And he's getting it at age 40. This is one ridiculous cat.

    The most ridiculous moment of the baseball season occurred last weekend in Phoenix when the Arizona Diamondbacks refused to pitch to Barry Bonds with the score 5-0, in the 7th and no one on. This after interim manager Al Pedrique said that he didn't want Bonds hitting any milestone bombs in his yard.

    That is garbage. Absolutely indefensible. Look, if there's a tactical or strategic reason to walk him, then go ahead. But there wasn't. I'm not saying you groove him fastballs or put it on tee for him, but in a five run game with no one on, go after the man. Try to get him out. Another reason the D-backs are basically a double-A team.

    Fan apathy for the NHL is at an all time high, TV ratings are dropping, other lesser sports have blown right by it in this country, the NFL is underway, the college football season is shaping up and MLB playoffs are about to begin. So what's the NHL's response to all this? A lockout, prolonged work stoppage and possible cancellation for the regular season and Stanley Cup playoffs. Brilliant marketing strategy fellas. The sport is already bordering on irrelevant and on life support here. In this country, it ranks somewhere between bowling, the WNBA, slamball, extreme dodgeball and barrel jumping. Right about now, the NHL aspires to be women's soccer. Major League Baseball might be able to survive a long work stoppage, the NHL won't. Nice knowing you. Rest in peace.

    Rising, former NBA'er Jayson Williams. Fresh off beating that manslaughter rap in New Jersey, the former baller and limo driver gunner may be ready for another run at the NBA. He has been running with other NBA players and reportedly is trying to get back in NBA shape. Look, I'm all for it. Anything that prevents him from rolling with the trotters, shot gunning Dwayne Schnitizius' dog and blowing gigantic holes in the chests of innocent limo drivers is a good thing, I guess. But just a question. You got away with killing a guy. Shouldn't that be good enough? Do you really need to come back and remind us of that fact 80 times a year or until you get hurt again.

    Falling, Toronto Raptor's star Morris Peterson. I'm a Mo Pete guy so I hope that this next story isn't true. A school teacher and part time model says Mo Pete gave her genital herpes and is suing him for $1m bones and an additional $500k for "special damages." Is that what they're calling genital herpes now, "special damages." Last I checked, there was nothing special about genital herpes. Mo Pete denies the allegations. Man. I hope this isn't true. I mean, is there a more horrifying phrase than 'genital herpes'? Not in the NBA there's not. I mean, it's one thing if you're accused of something silly and insignificant like fathering a kid. That's just a kid. But we're talking about genital herpes. That lasts forever. You can just scratch a check for a kid. But herpes is for life. Say it ain't so Mo. Say it ain't so.

    Falling, the Stanford band. These knuckleheads are at it again. They think they're funny but they're not. Just marching at halftime and blowing on their trombones isn't enough for these mensas. No, they have to turn every performance into an evening at the Improv as well. A few years back they mocked the potato famine in Ireland during a game with Notre Dame. Hey, what's not funny about people starving to death? Then this past weekend, they busted out with five dancers wearing wedding veils at halftime of their game with BYU. Polygamy smack. Very fresh. And what's not funny about clowning someone for their religion? Well, besides everything. The last person who should be clowning anyone for any reason is someone in the band. You go to Stanford. I thought you had to be smart to get in there.

    Falling, Britney Spears. Her mother Lynne, says she's had about enough of the media portraying her daughter as trashy. Yep, as always, blame the media for your daughter's shortcomings. It was the media's fault that your precious little Brit jammed her tongue half way down Madonna's esophagus, right?. It was the media's fault that your daughter got married in a drunken haze in Las Vegas. It's the media's fault that she keeps showing on the cover of mags half naked. You know why the media portrays your daughter as a skank? Because she's a skank. That's why. Nice try mom. Instead of smacking the press, tell your daughter to put some clothes on. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then Britney's a skank.moreless
  • September 9, 2004
    September 9, 2004
    Episode 7
    Not that this will come as a surprise to anyone, but former NFL first rounder Lawrence Philips reportedly sold one of his Big-12 championship rings to a Las Vegas pawnshop for 20 bucks. He said he needed the money to get out of town how far can you get from Vegas on 20 bucks? Primm? Henderson? From 6th overall in the draft to selling off one of his most prized possessions for 20 bucks in less than a decade. That's not easy to do. Look, I'm not looking to pile on because this is a sad, sad story. But bro, if you're stuck in Barstow now , and you looking to move that other Big-12 ring, lob me a phone call. One, I want the jewelry, two, I won't go pawn broker and jam you with a twenty spot for it. I'll give you at least forty.

    The Iraqi soccer team has a chance for just its second medal ever in the Olympics. It's amazing how much effective these guys are without that psychopathic, homicidal nut, Uday Hussein running the show. Who wouldn't perform better knowing that a missed penalty kick could result in getting your finger nails ripped off? The only thing better than the Iraqi's coming out of nowhere to possibly medal is President Bush showing up and basically taking credit for it. While you're over there backslapping, why don't you ask their mid-fielder if he knows were those WMD's are. No one else seems to.

    NHL star Chris Chelios has represented the US 3 times as an Olympian but apparently that's still not enough. He's thinking about representing Greece as a member of the bobsled team in the 2006 games. No Chellie. No. Just no. I know you are proud of your Greek heritage, but I for one am not going to allow you to tarnish your legacy as a great hockey player by jumping in some stupid toboggan. First of all, no real Olympic athlete recognizes bobsledders as Olympians. Pushing and sitting does not an athlete make. If you do this, then Stevie Yzerman is going to want to luge and Brett Hull is going to want to curl. I have appointed myself the head of the bobsled federation and your request has been denied.

    And not to go jingoistic on anyone, but how do we not medal in men's beach volleyball? Worse yet, landlocked Switzerland were the ones to finish us. How is that even possible? They don't have any ocean anywhere and without the ocean, there is no beach, so how did they beat us at beach volleyball, a sport we invented? I think it's time for us to invent some new sports; sports that we can dominate. You know, like, starting wars. Or shopping at the Gap. No way Kazakhstan beats us at that, like they did wrestling. Or, eating fast food. Or being lazy. No one is touching us in those events.

    Falling, Green Bay QB Tim Couch. He has a QB rating of under 40 in his two games with the Pack and has looked even worse than that. In other words, the heir apparent to Brett Favre might not even make it out of the preseason. Remember all that talk from Couch that he was a starter in this league and that he wasn't going to hold anyone's clipboard. You don't want to be a backup? How does selling insurance sound? Last I checked, 'Tim Couch, back up NFL quarterback' still has a better ring to it than 'Tim Couch Allstate, agent'.

    Rising, 46 year old Atlanta Brave Julio Franco. Honestly, that is the most absurd thing I have ever heard in my life. He's 46! This isn't some beer league softball team. Or some 40+ hardball league. He's not even a situational lefty who comes in once a week to face a single batter, ala Jesse Orosco. He's 46, and batting in the middle of the lineup and playing first ball for a first place team. Franco recently passed Mickey Mantle on the all time hit list. Either that, or he played with him. 46! 46 year olds shouldn't be playing Major League Baseball; they should be shopping for a Buick and getting fitted for those gigantic green cataract sunglasses.

    Falling, New York Yankees center fielder Bernie Williams, who is hitting a full 40 points below his career average. Then again, it's really not Bernie's fault. After all, it's hard to play this game with a giant fork jammed between your shoulder blades. Look, I hate to even go here: Williams has been such a great player, has given the Yanks so many great moments and always been a class act, but that enormous fork sticking out of his back is really slowing down his bat. Even Kenny Lofton thinks he's done. My man, I think it's time to play guitar full time.

    And finally, as I mentioned here last week, I am on board with Michael "wacko jacko" Jackson. Or at least I was. Until I heard MJ is not down with the handle 'wacko jacko". He called it a "hurtful lie" and says he is tired of being "humiliated and vilified." Look freak, we'll all stop calling you "wacko jacko" when you stop being the biggest nut job on the face of the earth. I'll drop that gloss when you stop wearing Spiderman masks to Taco Bell, stop feeding kids wine in soda cans (allegedly) and pull out those adult alarms you have wired to your bedroom door. In other words, if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's Wacko Jacko. Look, I'm off the wacko bandwagon once and for all. If I can't go to the "wacko" blast, then we have nothing to talk about.moreless
  • August 17, 2004
    August 17, 2004
    Episode 6
    The Americans may have gotten by the Australians, but trust me. They're going to lose again. Initially, I gave these guys credit for at least accepting the invite, but half of them still look like that's the last place on earth they want to be. You can see it in their body language: they're thinking I didn't come over here to play defense. I came over here to party, throw some alley oops to my teammates, get the gold medal, get paid and get the hell out. This isn't what I signed up for. I want to go home. Except for LeBron James. He does want to be there. He does care. And if they're going to have any chance, they better put LeBron James on the floor and put the ball in his hands late in the game, like they did Thursday.

    He's only been there a little over a week, but general Kellen Winslow Jr. is already shaking things up in C-Town. First, he lowered his shoulder and blew up cornerback Roosevelt Williams in a 7 on 7 non contact drill. Then he challenged his teammates to match his level of aggression. One, I don't think a guy who has never taken a single snap in an NFL game should be telling others who have, what they need to do to get ready to play, even if he is a solider. Two, jacking a guy up in a non contact 7 on 7 is like flying across the cafeteria and laying someone out at the milk machine: they're not expecting it. Not cool. Having said that, the Browns need more of this. General Winslow the second just needs to learn how to practice and check himself.

    Oddest scene of the week took place in Anaheim where Tigers pitcher Nate Robertson and his ten career wins were up in future Hall of Famer Pudge Rodriguez's grill. Ivan went out to the mound, perhaps to remind Nate Robertson that he was Nate Robertson, and Robertson started yelling at him.. How do you suppose that argument went? "Hey Ivan get back behind the plate, I am Nate Robertson." Yeah, well I have more All-Star appearances than you do career wins, I won a World Series last year, I'm a former MVP, I'm headed to Cooperstown, do what I say jerk, or I'll have you cut from the team. Robertson's manager Alan Trammell actually liked what he saw, "It shows that he wants it real bad. I like that. He has fire." Fire? Is that what you call it now? I call it arrogance and stupidity.

    Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa finally volunteered to bat fifth and then went out and took the collar Wednesday night, going 0-5. Maybe he should have volunteered to bat 6th. Look, no props for doing something that you should have done weeks ago and only are doing now because of all the heat you're getting. Better late than never, I suppose, but dude showed his true colors and selfishness by not doing it the first time his manager brought it up. Cardinal third baseman Scott Rolen, a legitimate MVP candidate volunteered to move out of the clean up spot the second Larry Walker came over in a trade. Sosa, who was just killing his team in the 4-hole refused to move down. Herein lies the difference between those two teams and is a big reason why the Cards are running away with the division.

    Memo to all MLB purists, dorks, and baseball romantics: the wild card is not only not the worst thing to ever happen to the game, it's probably the best. And this season is another example of that.

    Look at the National league: all three races are pretty much over. But you have three teams in the cubs, Giants and Padres in a virtual tie for the final playoff spot. How is that bad for baseball? And it's just as compelling in the American league. And no, purists, it doesn't diminish the integrity of a divisional race or cheat us of that great Yankee-Red Sox battle down the stretch. Shoot, without it, there'd be no possibility of the Yankees playing the Red Sox in the playoffs. Baseball is better because of the wildcard. If you want to fix something's that broken, ditch the DH. Now that's something that is ruining the sport.

    Falling, Greek sprinter Kostas Kenteris. The 2000 gold medalist in the 200 meters is not a smart guy. Kenteris is a Greek icon, a Michael Jordan to his people, and the guy the entire nation was looking to in the upcoming games. So what's he do? No shows for a drug test right before the Athens games. And as we all know, a no show equals a positive drug test equals no Olympics. Hey, no big thing: he was only scheduled to light the flame in the opening ceremonies. Worst of all, he said he missed the drug test because he was involved in a motorcycle crash. A motorcycle crash? How stupid do you think I am? Why not just say you were abducted by aliens? Well done, instead of being Michael Jordan, you're now Greece's' Ben Johnson.

    Rising, Atlanta Braves third baseman Chipper Jones. He comes on the show last week and then goes out and hits career homerun number 300. That's what's known in these parts as JRIB karma. This is one of the standup guys in sports. He runs into some trouble off the field, admits to wrongdoing, comes correct, and is accountable and responsible for his actions. I respect that. And he's a total team guy. Someone who won the MVP yet agreed to go from third base to left field to help the team. A guy who always plays hard, never makes excuses, shows up ready to play and always plays to win. Congrats on #300 my man, you earned it.

    Former heavyweight champ Riddick Bowe is coming out of retirement for his first fight in 7 and a half years. That should end well. Most neurosurgeons I know suggest the best way to treat brain damage is to get back in the ring and get busted in the head some more. Those close to Bowe say he has checked out and is fine physically. Really? Then how do you explain him going to jail for 17 months for kidnapping his family? If that doesn't suggest brain damage, I don't know what does. How long before somebody tries to put him in the ring with Mike Tyson? He's probably one of the few guys that Mike can beat. I'd pay 50 bucks to see two guys who are broke and completely insane fight one another. Maybe after it's over, Riddick can kidnap Mike's family and Mike can eat Riddick's children and everyone wins. Count me in.

    Jacko has really done it this time. Mikey rolled his giant tour bus and broke out an all white suit and gold armband for his child molestation hearing. His family, including mom and dad Jacko, sisters Janet and Toy, (yes, I said Toy), and brothers Jermaine, Jackie and Randy all geared up in white suits also. You know what Mike? You win. I've gone 180 degrees with you. Everything you do is weirder than the previous stunt you pulled. What else have you got MJ, because I'm in. I can't wait to see what he does next. Let's see just how weird you can get. And I think now would be a real good time for all you Jacko haters to roll off my guy. What did he ever do to you? What did he ever do to anyone? Well, I mean other than give kids wine in a soda can and molest them? (Allegedly). My man, Michael Jackson, let's see what you got. Bring it on! I've got your back.moreless
  • August 10, 2004
    August 10, 2004
    Episode 5
    Check out these incentives that the Chargers reportedly put into Philip Rivers contract before they ripped it off the table. If he wins four Super Bowls and plays in four Pro Bowls in his first four years, he gets $5 million bucks. Five Super Bowls and five Pro Bowls in five years, 7.5 mill. Six Super Bowls and six Pro Bowls in six years, 10 mill. You have got to be kidding me. How about six Super Bowls and six Pro Bowls and you get a trillion bucks? And get to be emperor of the universe. In my ESPN contract, if I find a cure for cancer in my first year, I get a mill. A cure for a cancer and I get Osama bin Laden in two years, two mill. A cure for cancer, Osama, and I find the weapons of mass destruction in three years. Three mill. Who comes up with this garbage? Further evidence that the Chargers are the biggest circus in the league right now.

    The NFL season hasn't even started but Philadelphia's Terrell Owens is already in mid season form. Playboy magazine asks T.O. in its September issue, "Jeff Garcia has denied media rumors he's gay. What do you think?" T.O.'s response? "If it looks like a rat, and smells like a rat, then by golly, it's a rat." Look, I don't care how bad of a QB you think he is, or how bad a ball he throws or even if you think he is gay, you don't go there. Incredible! There is nothing in the NFL that interests me less than whether or not Jeff Garcia is gay. Maybe he is, maybe he's not. I don't care. But I do know this: it's not T.O.'s place to 'out' him, whether or not he was ever in to begin with.

    Chicago Cubs manager Dusty Baker admitted earlier this week that although he wanted to drop a slumping Sammy Sosa lower in the lineup, he didn't because he was afraid of how he would react: "Sammy is a warrior and very proud, but he is also sensitive too." Translated: he's a big baby. Sammy reportedly had told Baker previously, that he would bat fourth , but not fifth or six. How about you bat where the manager wants you to bat. Sammy's not about team, he's about Sammy. If he was about the team, he'd say, "Hey skip, do what you have to do, I'm here for you and the team, tell me where to hit and I'll do it." But that's not what he said, because he's not about the team. He's about Sammy.

    There have been plenty of amazing Olympic moments to look back on. Jesse Owens winning four gold medals in Hitler's backyard in 1936. The 'Miracle on Ice' in 1980. But probably none better than what happened 20 years ago right here in Los Angeles. A bare footed Zola Budd throwing a text book slide tackle on Mary Decker, knocking her out of the 3000 meters. Decker hits the infield hard, while Budd barely even glances back to acknowledge her arch rival. And Decker indelibly marked the moment by failing to get up, opting instead to lie in the infield and cry. It doesn't get any better than that. For my money, the best moment in Olympic history, bar none.

    Falling, the world sauna championships.

    Big ups to Leo Pusa of Finland for winning the world sauna championship last weekend by spending nearly 12 minutes in a 230 degree sauna. Dude spent 12 minutes in a 230 degree room? Since when is jumping into, and sitting in, an oven considered a sport? This makes the hot dog eating contest look like the World Series and Super Bowl combined. Attempting to cremate yourself should not be a sport. Making matters worse is the fact that several thousand people showed up to watch the competitors bake. If baking bread isn't a sport, then neither is baking people. 230 degrees! I'm looking forward to next year's jamming a hot poker in your eye championships. Believe me, that's no more ridiculous than the sauna title.

    If you needed another reason to dislike Barry Bonds, then here it is. Bonds says he's exhausted because no one will pitch to him: "Walking is harder than hitting because you're on your feet all day. I never sit down. I'd go on the bases, stand up, go to get my glove and stand out there, except for a few minutes, go and hit, grab my glove, run a base, score, whatever, grab my glove, go out there. That's hard. That's not easy. Let somebody do that and see how it feels." Let somebody do that and see how it feels? Fine. I volunteer. . Pretty much everyone on the entire planet not named Alex Rodriguez would gladly trade places with you. Construction workers, waitresses, postal workers, people who really are on their feet all day have a reason to be tired. You don't Barry. How such a smart guy can say something so stupid is beyond me.

    Sad times here as JRIB favorite Rick James passed on this week. James, 56, was said to have died of natural causes. Is that what doing millions of piles of toot passes for these days? Natural causes? Let's not forget, this is a guy who was accused of imprisoning a woman, burning her with a hot crack pipe and making her perform sex acts for he and his girlfriend during a cocaine bender. How does that work? I have a hot crack pipe and I'm not afraid to use it. Of course it was a hot crack pipe. You couldn't imprison anyone with a cold crack pipe. Rest in peace, Super Freakmoreless
  • August 03, 2004
    August 03, 2004
    Episode 4
    Ricky Williams' buzz must really be starting to take hold because now comes word that he'd love to play for the Oakland Raiders in 2005. What?!! I thought he quit football because he no longer had a passion for the game. That he wanted to seek the truth. That he wasn't consumed or defined by being a professional athlete. Either it was all that or he's just a quitter who wanted to sit around, getting baked and not deal with a third positive drug test. Hey Rick, are you just making this up as you go along, between bowls? He obviously didn't retire if he's already talking about playing next year. For another team. That's not retiring: that's quitting. That's not being eccentric, that's being a quitter. Put the bong down, Rick.

    Former Dallas Cowboys QB Quincy Carter says he doesn't know why the Cowboys just broke him off, but denies reports that he's used cocaine and calls all this drug talk ridiculous. Look, I don't know whether Quincy partakes in the Bolivian marching powder or not, but why else would a team just whack a guy who led them to the playoffs last year without any explanation whatsoever. A guy who reportedly has spent time in rehab and is reportedly in the NFL's substance abuse program as we speak. If they cut him because he couldn't play, why not just say it. But they're not saying anything. Maybe it's drugs. Maybe it's football. Or maybe it's both. After all, Bill Parcells never had a problem with Lawrence Taylor flying around the field tricked up on cocaine.

    I think we all knew the end was near for Mike Tyson, but I don't think many of us thought it would end this way: with him getting obliterated by a clubber named Danny Williams. Mike's career was supposed to end with him snapping one last time and breaking his opponent's arm, or biting off his leg or punching the ref in the face. Mike Tyson shouldn't be getting knocked out by Danny Williams; he should be threatening to eat his children. $38 million in debt, no money, no future in boxing and no hope. Get ready for the real circus to begin.

    And finally, Atlanta falcons QB Mike Vick says he's not going to get a haircut until the Falcons win the Super Bowl. "I'm really superstitious, so I'm going to let it grow. As bad as I want to cut it off my head, and as hot as I am, I won't cut it off until I win a Super Bowl." Mike, you didn't crack your stick because you didn't get a trim, you broke it because you were going 1 on 11 as always and a 270 pound defensive end got sick of chasing you all over the field, fell on you and smashed it. Johnny Damon has already done the athlete who won't cut his hair trick thing: you're going to have to find something else.

    Rising, golfer John Daly. Incredibly, JD has resurrected his career. Frankly, I didn't think he had the heart, the grit or the desire to do it. He was drowning in debt, overweight, shaking on the course, burning heaters, quitting in the middle of rounds, and an absolute mess, but he is back. He won in San Diego earlier this year, just missed beating Vijay Singh in Michigan this past week and has a shot at making the Ryder Cup team. One thing though, JD, how do you have patches for both Trim Spa and Dunkin Donuts on your gear? A little more Trim Spa and a little less Dunkin Donuts is in order. My man makes Phil Mickelson look like Tiger Woods.

    Falling, former President Bill Clinton who was mulling an offer to host Saturday Night Live. Of course, Bill Clinton has to host Saturday Night Live. Why wouldn't he do it? Because he's afraid of tarnishing the Oval Office? That ship sailed right around the time he turned that chunky intern into a Presidential humidor. If he was truly concerned about the integrity of the office, he wouldn't be soliciting oral favors from interns. Nor would he be releasing his memoirs in a presidential election year or criticizing the sitting President, another breach in Presidential protocol.

    Finally, I mention this as a public service announcement for all of you have teenage boys. Pedophile Mary Kay Letourneau is out of the slam and loose on the streets. Letourneau, a former teacher, spent 7 and a half years in the slam after having an affair with a six grade student, says she just wants to live a normal life. Hey MK, there's nothing normal about being a 34-year old mother of four and having sex with a sixth grader. You've already ruined, by my count, 8 lives: your husband, your four kids, your unemployed GED-less boyfriend and the two kids you had with him. Register as a sex offender, stay away from the playgrounds and stop saying you just want a normal life.moreless
  • July 27, 2004
    July 27, 2004
    Episode 3
    If Ricky Williams no longer has a passion for the game, doesn't want to get his head beaten in every Sunday and wants to go off and burn blunts and seek the truth, so be it. But I do have a problem with his timing, one week before training camp. And don't tell me it's the same as a team cutting a guy without notice because it's not. This isn't 'a' guy. This is your best player, in his prime, who the entire offense was built around. With him, they have a shot at the Super Bowl, without him they have no shot at .500. If you want to quit, quit; but do it before the draft and the free agency period takes place, not afterwards. But don't take my word for it, go ask his teammates how they feel about it. I guarantee they're bent.

    And the Dolphins are not without blame in this either. They knew who they were trading for when they brought Williams in. They knew Ricky was a different cat. That he had shown up on the cover of ESPN The Magazine in a wedding dress, that he battled social anxiety disorder, that he had a proclivity for the chronic, that he was a loner. In short, that he was a weirdo. They knew all that. They also knew they were a legitimate running back away from a Super Bowl run, so they rolled the dice. And ultimately they crapped out. Williams may have hung them out to dry but they're not without blame.

    Greg Maddux is going for number 300 this weekend and might be the sickest guy ever to pick up a baseball. Think about it. He looks like a librarian. Appears about as athletic as a math teacher. He doesn't have that 100 mph gas like the unit. Or Mariano Rivera's ridiculous cutter. All the guy does is pitch. And win games. Lots of them. Strike one on the corner. Strike two off the corner. Strike three on a ball in the dirt. All the while the guy with the bat in his hands has no idea what just happened. 4 Cy Young's, 13 Gold Gloves, a world championship, a trip to Cooperstown and probably the best pitcher I have ever seen. Even if he does look like your accountant.

    I'm pretty geeked for Saturday's MLS all-star game. I can't wait to see some of my favorite players get after it; players like the "guy with the long ponytail", the 'guy with one nam'e and of course, the' guy who falls on the ground and screams'. These guys are the best. And just out of curiosity, whose mom is driving them to the game in her mini van? And are they all going to kill orange slices and Capri-sun at half time of the game? As for predictions, Clint Chastidonnaham is going to score the games' only goal and get the nod for MVP. Oh, and one more thing. Don't you need all-stars to have an all-star game?

    While long considered a game for geeks, dorks and intellectuals, chess has managed to work its way into the mainstream, dare I say it's actually become a sport? First it was added to the Olympics and now this.

    Robert Talley,, was arrested after smashing Robert Henderson's head through a plate glass window. A chess brawl?! Now we're talking. What, did one guy try to make his horse go the wrong way? Did they get into a spirited debate over what was better, The Sun Also Rises or The Great Gatsby? Did one guy use incorrect grammar? I don't know what happened, I just know I like it…a chess riot. How long before someone gets murdered playing Chinese checkers?

    Draft bust Cryan Leaf has reared his whiney head again. Speculation is, his former coach at Washington St., Mike Price, is considering putting him on his staff at UTEP. And what a brilliant idea that is. The guy is a walking cautionary tale, the guy every other coach in America warns their player not to be like. And Price wants to make him an assistant coach? Those close to Leaf insist he's not a knucklehead, and that he has matured but when a reporter for the San Diego Union Tribune called him, Leaf lashed out, "Man, what the bleep. How'd you get my number? If the San Diego Union Tribune calls me again…Man, you fools are stupid." Then he hung up. You're the one than threw away an NFL career but they're stupid. Actually, C, you are and so is Mike Price if he hires you.

    What a difference two years makes. Liza Minnelli's divorce from David Gest is not going to happen until his $10 million civil claim against her for physical abuse is settled. Gest claims Minnelli "beat his face with her fists' and threw a lamp at him causing "throbbing pain, severe headaches, scalp tenderness, vertigo" and other ailments. For the last time Gest, she's Liza Minnelli not the ultimate fighting champion. Besides, couldn't you have just tapped out? Or just shooed her away with a, "Beat it, Liza: go back to stuffing your face with Oreos and gin and stop beating my face with your fists." She may have beaten you up but at least she invited Chaka Khan to the wedding.moreless
  • July 23, 2004
    July 23, 2004
    Episode 2
    I don't care what your personal Web Gem for Wednesday night was, I'm here to tell you that Manny Ramirez's act in left field was the play of the year. The play of any year. Let's just say Manny Ramirez has never been considered the slickest outfielder in the game. And here's why. Baltimore's David Newhan hit a shot to center. Johnny Damon's going back…back…it's off the wall! Damon runs it down and throws it back in, but it's cut by Man-Ram!! Man-Ram cut the ball in left field! What in the world was that? Never in the history of baseball has a left fielder cut off a throw by a center fielder. At least, until Wednesday night. And in the baseball they play on planet Man-Ram, that's the right thing to do. It goes to show that Man-Ram doesn't even have a rudimentary understanding of the game, barely even knows the rules. It was without question the greatest catch he has ever made; too bad it came while cutting off a throw from the center fielder. He should get a Gold Glove for that.

    Further evidence that Major Leaguers have much too much time on their hands. Minnesota Twins' outfielder Matt LeCroy recently told his teammates he would eat a bug if they came up with enough jack. They rallied up 550 bones, and LeCroy choked the critter down, saying only that it was "salty". Hey LeCroy, you're not in single-a ball where $550 might as well be $550-thousand. You're a big leaguer, earning a big leaguer's salary. It's not worth it. Look, if you want to go on Fear Factor and degrade yourself with a bunch of other morons and skanks, be my guest. But as long as you are in a major league uniform, try and act like a major leaguer.

    The 'Governator' Arnold Schwarzenegger is not apologizing for cracking democrats as "girlie-men" and nor should he. Partisan politics aside, regardless of your personal affiliation, when did we all become so hyper-sensitive? This is the epitome of political correctness. He wasn't looking to demean women or slur gays. It was a throw away line from a Saturday Night Live skit. Nothing more, nothing less. There has to be more important things to worry about: poverty, crime, drugs, national security, and terrorism. If you really want to get worked up about something, it's the fact that the guy walks around calling himself the Terminator. Now that's offensive.

    The nation's largest sports memorabilia convention took place in Ohio last week, but it wasn't big enough for one Orenthal J. Simpson or Mike Tyson. Both wanted in, but both were stoned at the door. I'm not sure I get that. I mean, who wouldn't want a signed ball from the Juice? Just because a guy whacked his wife and a waiter is no reason not to send your 9-year old over to ask for an autograph. And who wouldn't want the autograph of a convicted rapist? A man who once bit another man's ear off? I feel badly for these guys. Mike and Oadge should have their own convention and invite their own peeps. People like Buttafuoco, Tonya Harding and Ron Jeremy. Trust me, there would be a line around the block.

    The NHL is on the rise. A good murder for hire case might be exactly what this dying league needs. And that's what we have now that former St. Louis Blues player Mike Danton has admitted to trying to hire a hit man to whack his agent. Never mind trying to fix the sport with regulation ties, glowing pucks and an extra referee. What it needs is more players using groupies to hire hit men to whack their agents. If not, you're welcome to stay out as long as you want. At this point, I really don't care and I'm sure not anyone else does either.

    Ernie Els is falling. Another major, another meltdown for the Big Easy. How does Els, arguably the best player alive, lose in a playoff at the British Open to a guy he probably never heard of until he beat him. Probably the same way he is in the final pairing of the US Open and blows up with that atrocious 80 at Shinnecock. Or the way he let Phil Mickelson get his first major at his expense, losing at the Masters. We're all less inclined to pile on Els because he's a nice guy, because he has 3, and because he hasn't had that defining, colossal gag job, ala Greg Norman. But make no mistake; he should have at least twice as many as he does if not more.

    Martha Stewart, who apparently is headed to the hole is also falling. But, she'll be fine. You have no idea how creative cons can be. Boxer Bernard Hopkins taught my radio listeners how to make a microwave oven out of a shoe box, tin foil and a light bulb. I'm sure she won't have a problem waiting two hours for that ham sandwich to warm up in her shoe box. And the 12 cents an hour that she'll earn in the prison woodshop will allow her to buy all the smokes she needs. And when she finally does emerge from the hole all buffed up and tatted she'll have some of that street cred she's been so desperate for. Oh and one more thing, I'm not a legal analyst, I just play one on TV, but they basically are sending her to jail for being a witch. A real witch.

    Come to find out Durex is the official condom of the Olympic games and the manufacturer plans to donate 130,000 condoms and 30,000 tubes of lubricant to the more than 13,000 athletes and officials. That's great: they can't guarantee the security of the venues but they can all but guarantee that no one will come down with VD. They can't promise that some nut won't show up with a bomb, but they will promise that a discus thrower won't come down with the clap. Never mind the athletes, considering the number of brothels in Greece, they should hand out those raincoats to everyone who shows up at the airport. 30,000 tubes of lube? What do you think these people are planning on doing? Are the athletes showing up for gold medals or to get their freak on?moreless
  • July 20, 2004
    July 20, 2004
    Episode 1
    The fact that Kobe Bryant decided to stay with the Lakers is nothing to celebrate. In fact, that announcement still brings to an end one of the worst days in history of franchise. What's great about a guy single handedly destroying a great organization for personal reasons? Bryant isn't about winning. He's about Bryant. He's about being the man. He blew up the best team in the league because he's greedy, arrogant, selfish and just plain ignorant. It would have been a great day if Bryant had rolled up on owner Jerry Buss in the middle of the night, stabbed him in the back and bolted for the Clips. That's a great deal. Careful of what you wish for Kobe, because you just got it.

    As for Shaq O'Neal, well, he might be 32, fat, unmotivated and the world's biggest baby, but that doesn't mean the Lakers didn't get raped in that trade with the Miami Heat. Because they did. How do you give up a Hall of Famer and not get a single All-Star in return? How do you do send one of the best big men ever to the Heat and not at least get Dwayne Wade back? This deal is a joke and the only thing worse than Miami jamming up the Lakers as badly as they did, is Lakers' GM Mitch Kupchak saying he made the deal not to placate Kobe Bryant but to improve his team. Afterall, if getting rid of one of the best big men ever doesn't improve your team, what will? Hey Mitch, lie to yourself all you want, but stop lying to me. .

    Earlier this week, Hall of Famer Mike Dikta was threatening to run for the US Senate from Illinois this November. Lucky for all of us, he dropped out of the race last night. If there was a worse idea, I don't happen to know what it was. Granted, this is coming from a native in the state that made Arnold the Governator. But come on. Senator Ditka?! Instead of a chicken in every pot, would he have promised a bottle of Levitra in every medicine cabinet? What exactly were his qualifications? That he gravy trained Buddy Ryan to a Super Bowl title and then took all the credit himself? Well, unlike the guy he would have replaced, at least he didn't drag his wife to sex clubs and coerce her into hitting it in front of other patrons. Senator Ditka? He would have made Governor Ventura look like Winston Churchill.

    NASCAR bad boy Tony Stewart has done it again, this time running Casey Kahne into the wall in route to winning the Tropicana 400. And again, Stewart haters are going crazy demanding his head and a suspension. Kahne's team owner Ray Evernham even said he wanted 10 minutes alone with him so he can administer the beat down that Stewart has coming to him. The question is, what is NASCAR doing to do about the guy? And the answer is, absolutely nothing. He's the best thing their sport has to offer and they know it. We have pit crews brawling with one another during races, guys getting run into walls, owners threatening star drivers and they have Stewart to thank for it. What would they have to market and promote without this nut? Racing? A bunch of guys turning left all day long? Reprimand him? They're probably thanking him as we speak.

    Canadian runner Katie Vermuelen is going to appear in next month's issue of Playboy magazine and already has her rationalization locked and loaded. "This thing is done to celebrate women and the women at the Olympics and it's not about boobs or butts." Let me guess, Katie. The pictures are tastefully done, and the only reason you did it was because you were guaranteed complete artistic control. Blah blah, blah. How is laying down for a skin mag a celebration of the Olympics? And why are you celebrating the Olympics if you didn't even qualify for the games? Look, I don't mind you doing it; just don't tell me that it's something that it's not. It's not a celebration of the Olympics; it's a celebration of sex. And you getting paid.

    Porn Star Ron Jeremy has what every porn actor craves, mainstream acceptance. He has managed to parlay a career as a dirty porn star into a role in reality TV and a job in the NBA as head coach of the Miami Heat. In fact, the Heat just extended Jeremy's contract and now that his boss Pat Riley has stolen Shaq O'Neal from the Lakers, Jeremy could be looking at a run to the eastern conference finals. What? That's not Ron Jeremy? That's Stan Van Gundy? Whatever. Congratulations, Ron.

    As base and crass as it was, reality TV had not yet hit rock bottom. Sure, seeing people eat cow brains just to get on TV, and having 44 little people pull jets, and no talent wannabes compete on American karaoke was every bit as degrading as it was demoralizing, but the genre could still sink lower. And it has. FOX reportedly is going to break out with a show called, "Who's Your Daddy?," where one woman will try to figure out which of 16 contestants is her actual biological father. Perfect. Who are the deadbeats? Steve Garvey? Calvin Murphy? Shawn Kemp? He Hate Me? Willie Anderson? Evander Holyfield? If she's the best softball player on her team, her dad is number 6. If she can put her punches together, Evander is her pops. If she can knock down 90% of her throws, Calvin is the man. If her name is She Hate Me, Rod Smart is the winner. Memo to all talented actors and writers who want to tell stories, create characters and use your gifts. Beat it. Your services are no longer needed. If you want to work in the television industry, start eating some rats.moreless