Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List Season 1 Episode 3

Kathy : Quit petting my hair; you're ruining it!

Matt: What's my pay for this?
Kathy: I'm gonna blow you, okay?

Matt: I hate Star Jones, because she treats Kathy poorly. And I hate anyone who treats Kathy poorly.

Kathy: (About a dieting Matt) I'm still a little nervous that he's gonna kill me in my sleep. If I went on a diet, I think I'd kill someone in their sleep.

Kathy: We're in agreement that we hate children and we're not gonna have any.

Kathy: (About her DVD, "Allegedly") I called it that because I love the name. And because I had to...for legal reasons.

Kathy: My goal is to beat Bill Clinton's book sales because I understand he did pretty well.

Jessica: (About the DVD) Everyone was like, "Is this mine?" and we were like, "No! Go out and buy your own!"

Customer: (About the DVD) I'm actually buying a third. Kathy: Three? (To the others in line) Buy three and you get a hand job.

Kathy: (About Joan Rivers) She's the Queen of New York. She knows all the places, she gets all the best tables. She's great.

Kathy: If I could be a professional talk show guest, I think that's what I would be.

John McEnroe: (Introducing Kathy) She made a career out of making fun of celebrities. Let's hope she goes easy on me.

Kathy: I'm already banned from Live, Ellen, Regis and Kelly, and now Leno, because they think my act's too mean.