Kathy: If you loved high school, you must have been one of the mean assholes who tortured me.
Kathy: Some things are just better with gay people. If you're gonna watch the Miss America Pageant, don't do it with straight people, because that's just wasting your time.
Kathy: (To Matt, who's wearing his "wacky hat") You look like a crazy, gay lunch lady.
Tony: (To Kathy) I imagine your vagina looking like Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors - with the metal teeth and just chomping away and wreaking havoc.
Kathy: The day that Oprah opens a tabloid and she's not in it is the day that everyone around her gets fired.
Kathy: All I know is that it's better to be on the Worst Dressed list than to not be in the tabloids at all.
Kathy: (To potential stylists) Don't even think about putting me in a mini-skirt, or short shorts, or Daisy Dukes.
Jeffrey: (About his goals for Kathy) I'm just gonna try to make her look more like a girl.
Jeffrey: (In an e-mail) Me letting you have a stylist is as likely as you not wearing a bra. Sorry!
Kathy : (On Jeffrey) When you're the subordinate, you do not call the shots.
Kathy: By Hollywood's standards, I'm a big fat cow, because I'm a size 6. And you're supposed to be a size 0. Or a child's size 6.
Kathy: Here's the deal – my boobs are real, and sometimes they bounce off my knees and sometimes we play hacky-sack.
Kathy: (Explaining why she will not wear a mini-skirt) I have short legs, and I'm still convinced that someone in my family has dwarfism.
Kathy: (About her trainer, Bobby) He's gonna make my body look like Nicole Kidman's. By noon.
Kathy : (On getting Botox) Here's what I've found about facial expressions: I've found I don't really use them very much.
Kathy: (To her Botox doctor) God, that hurt! I was gonna yell, but I was afraid that you would stab me in the eye and freeze it open. Am I hemorrhaging?
Kathy: (Trying to fit into a conversation between her niece and nephew) What happened? You both got caught watching porn?!
Kathy: (About Yugioh!) It sounds like illegal gambling. JP: It's not gambling. Kathy: Sounds like gambling to me.
Kathy: (To her mother) No dope jokes, no hooker jokes, no political jokes. What's left?
Kathy: (In her new dress) Who do I look like? Matt: A Princess. Kathy: And...? Sarah Jessica Parker! Matt: And Princess Sarah Jessica Parker.
Kathy: (On the red carpet) Hi RZA. I'm Kadizza Izzy!