Kathy : My eating habits are terrible. I don't like fruits and vegetables; I kind of like meat. I like doughy things, fried things, sugared things - that's what I like. And dips - I like things with dipping sauces. And glazed - things that are glazed, or have frosting in some way, or some sort of a layered, something layered with other things inside that are sugary. Also, I like butter. I like things that rise - cakey, cupcakey, doughnuty. I like...breaded stuff is good; I like breaded bread.
Kathy : (On her trainer) He works me so hard, that sometimes I think he just gave me a Roofie and beat me up.
Kathy: As much as I use the gym equipment, I use my right hand more - to shove doughnuts in my face.
Kathy: I fight this every day! Every single day, I wanna crack open a can of Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls and eat them, in private, while watching Oprah. I know Nicole Kidman and Cameron Diaz don't have that and that is why I hate them.
Kathy : I do like tunafish! But I don't like celery in there...that ruins everything!
Kathy: Judy brought her personal gay, who I thought was fantastic.
Kathy: I love Judy, but she's here to work and she knows it. No one stays at the resort for free.
Kathy: My poor assistant Jessica is so great, she's just frazzled. She started off the day weighing 95 pounds, and now she's 84. So she looks like Mary-Kate right now.
Kathy: Even though I'm on the D-List, I now have the ultimate A-List house.
Kathy: This sofa is not for me...I have an Aunt, who's an invalid. She also has a lot of illnesses, none of which I can name right now, but they're very serious.
Kathy: Would I have fucked him for a free end table? Yes. When's my Witch trial?
Kathy: (To the furniture salesman) Do you wanna be in the Suddenly Susan reunion show or what?
Kathy: (Walking into a store) It's me, Kathy Griffin, your favorite Seinfeld guest star!
Kathy: (To Mike, who is cutting the plastic off of her sofa) Mike, I don't mean to be cold, but I would rather you cut your hand than cut that sofa.
Kathy: (About Mike) All he needs is like, 40 or 43 beers. You give him a few beers and he'll design your house for free.
Kathy: The security guard thought I was Mike's assistant, which, you know, sometimes happens. They can't all think I'm Kathie Lee Gifford.
Kathy: (On the Poker event) My dealer...he couldn't keep track of money or cards.
Kathy: (About the Poker tournament) But I played for charity. I don't know what charity but I think that it helped children...and sick people...sick children...and maybe lonely people. I don't remember what it was – but I was all for it.
Matt: (On Kathy not playing Poker for a charity) Why aren't you playing for somebody?
Kathy: 'Cuz I need the money, Matt.
Matt: (About a rainbow) Now you know that's a symbol of God's covenant? Kathy: Or, there's a big gay event.
Kathy: (About the Marines) If they can handle the Suni triangle, they can handle a Toys for Tots party.
Kathy: One of them was the trainer from The Biggest Loser, who was really up my ass and in my face, and finally, I just had to turn to her and say, "Do I know you?" And she was like, "I'm the trainer from The Biggest Loser," and I would be like, "You're bigger than the Pope! Let me stop everything!"
Kathy: I'm nervous that Patricia Heaton might steal a vase, I'm afraid that Ray Romano might knock over a glass of wine, and I'm definitely not letting Joan Rivers near my shoe wall.
Ray Romano: Kathy, it's Ray Romano; I got your blackmailing.
Kathy: The party's almost over, Ray Romano hasn't shown up yet, and I'm more nervous than Anna Nicole without her Trim Spa.
Jenny McCarthy: I almost feel like Paris Hilton.
Kathy: But not as filled with crabs.