Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List Season 1 Episode 1

Kathy: I am such a celebrity-phile. I am pretty much a fan of everyone I make fun of.

Kathy: My life is the anti-Nicole Kidman. My celebrity is the anti-Julia Roberts. Nicole Kidman would not go anywhere where I would go.

Kathy: My fear is that I do the Mary-Kate chunk in my next special, and then she dies.

Kathy: (About The Oprah Winfrey Show) I love the show and I watch it everyday, but I can't help but make fun of her because...she thinks she's Jesus.

Kathy: I've fucked every guy in New York, Chicago, and LA. I probably fucked your dad, you just don't know it.

Kathy: I'll do a snuff film if you meet my quote.

Kathy: Matt and I are thinking of getting a Cambodian crack baby. Just to give back to community.

Tony: I ordered a little booze. Kathy, I work with children! I drink!
Kathy: You're like the Desperate Housewives!

Kathy: If you feel the need to clean up, don't let me stop you.
Maggie: Oh, I feel compelled. I feel compelled to clean up.

Kathy: My prom date is now a choreographer at Disney World.

Kathy: Dennis and Tony are my best friends, but my joke is that they're two of my best gays.

Kathy: This is my favorite charity event. It's called "Best In Show," and it's kinda like Miss America, but with drag queens.

Kathy: When the gays turn, it's ugly.

Kathy: So today we're going to some bullshit Kabbalah event.

Kathy: (About the Kabbalah event) That wasn't even D-List. That was just me.

Kathy: (On Madonna) You had to join a religion to not be an asshole?!

Kathy: (About Madonna) I think she's actually in the Royal Family now she's so British. You know how Justin Timberlake is black now? That's how British Madonna is.

Kathy: (To Mike, about how she wants to decorate the house) Nothing cutesy, nothing early-American, nothing Cape Cod. Just sleek, sexy, and modern. Like myself.

Kathy: That sounds expensive.
Mike: Probably.
Kathy: Mike! I need this for two dollars! Or two-fifty!

Jessica: (About Kathy) She's actually threatened my job a few times if I didn't get her the free stuff.

Kathy: I hope all you ladies enjoy your fur coats! I say, screw PETA!

Kathy: The silent auction was deafening compared to the reception I got.