Keeping Up Appearances

Hyacinth: (to Richard) I wish we could have Daddy at home, but he does so monopolise the bathroom.

Richard: How long has your father been a naturist? Hyacinth: I think there must be a mistake; Daddy's always been C of E.

Hyacinth: (on the phone) Listen, Daisy- tell Onslow to put a shirt on while I'm on the telephone. I can always sense him there, expanding. ...Onslow's in the garden?...Daddy's gone naturist?...Well, I think that's wonderful at his age!...Yes, all that wholesome, healthy food. Plenty of roughage.Hm?...Onslow's trying to get Daddy down from where?...Why would Daddy be up there?...Oh, he's not that kind of naturist; well, what kind of naturist is he?... (her eyes start to blink) A stark naturist?!

The phone rings at Liz and Emmet's house. Emmet: Come on, answer it! Liz: Hello?...Coffee at eleven?...Thank you, Hyacinth. (face falls)

Emmet: Remember Liz- you're a woman not to be trifled with! Alright, here we go again. (pretends to dial) Phone's ringing. Liz: (pretend answers) Hello? Emmet:(as Hyacinth) It's only me, Elizabeth. Coffee at eleven? Liz: No thank you, Hyacinth, some other time. (pretends to hang-up, then looks amazed) I did it! Emmet: You see? Well done! Liz: It's just a matter of getting started, isn't it? Once you've started, it's quite easy, isn't it? And you were very good. You really sounded like Hyacinth. Emmet: (very serious face) I must ask you never to repeat that in front of a living soul.

Hyacinth: Let me see you, Richard. And remember- first impressions. (rings a china bell) Richard: (peeks his head into the kitchen) The trouble is I don't do impressions.

Liz: Have you ever tried to say 'no' to Hyacinth? Emmet: Liz, she's just a human being. (pause) Just. Look- you're a free spirit. If you don't want to go 'round there for coffee when she asks you- say no! Liz: But it doesn't make a difference- she never listens anyway! Emmet: Alright, we'll rehearse it. You sit there, practicing steely determination, and I shall pretend to be Hyacinth. (pauses and frowns) Greater love hath no man for his sister than to be Hyacinth!

Daisy: It's been a long time since you brought me into the woods, Onslow. Onslow: Don't start getting broody.

Onslow: Now listen Daisy, when I promised to love, honour, and obey, I didn't mean EVERY Tuesday!