Keeping Up Appearances

Rose: She's right. Charity begins at home. And this practically will be your home if your mother stays with my father. Hmm? Mr. Duxbury: Mother. Are you coming, Mother? Mother. I command you, Mother. We're leaving, now!

Hyacinth: (talking through the letterbox with a Germen accent) What is it you want? I am a foreigner in your country. Mrs. Councillor Nugent: I want to return this load of shameless see-through, ex-certificate up-to-no-good underwear that was left in error at the charity shop! I know this is the right address, because she left her poll tax demand in the bag. Hyacinth: (whispering to Richard) Get Rose. Fetch Rose. They're her undies. (through the letterbox with a Germen accent) Why not please to push them through the letterbox? Mrs. Councillor Nugent: You could push most of them through the keyhole!

Rose: I'm finished with men. Hyacinth: I wish you meant it. Rose: Oh, I do mean it. They're nothing but heartache and trouble. Hyacinth: I know what you mean. I can never get Richard to fold his pajamas.

Rose: I find life very bleak in the absence of a very special Mr. Blakensop. Hyacinth: Hmm? I thought it was a Mr. Hepplewhite. Rose: Don't you mention that creep to me. He was shallow. Hyacinth: You were going to commit suicide over him. Rose: But that was before I found out he was shallow. And that was before I met the real thing. Hyacinth: I remember you threatened to commit suicide over a Mr. Hepplewhite. You wanted Mummy's wedding dress to be buried in. Rose: Wouldn't have fitted my anyway. I would have looked dreadful.

Hyacinth: He'll probably have forgotten all about you when he wakes up. He'll want to play with his trains. Daddy's Fiancé: Trains! Oh, I love trains! I can play with trains!

Hyacinth: What's going on? Daisy: Nothing. She's just sitting there without moving. For a moment, I thought it was Onslow. Onslow: It's remarks like that that oughta cool the first furious fires of our marriage.

Hyacinth: Well, we must get rid of her. Daisy: She won't go. Hyacinth: Have you spoken to her firmly? Daisy: I tried that. I even used the ultimate threat. I sent Onslow. Onslow: "Why don't you go home?" I said. "Bug off," she said. Hyacinth: Look, we've got to get her out of Daddy's bedroom before it radically affects his pensionable status.

Hyacinth: Onslow, you're not going to sit there watching television when Daddy is the victim of a cunning plot. (to Daisy) Who is this unscrupulous female? Daisy: I've never seen her before. I don't know where he found her. Hyacinth: Poor Daddy. When he should be enjoying his declining years. Onslow: I think he is enjoying his declining years. She is upstairs in his bedroom.

Hyacinth: Why is it one always sees so much of Onslow? Does he never cover himself entirely? Daisy: (swinging her arms) He likes to keep his arms free. Hyacinth: I don't know why. He never does much with them.

Daisy: I'm just consulting you. I thought that's what husbands are for. Onslow: You know, you're going to be sorry one of these days when you've overloaded me with responsibility.

Hyacinth: And where's your briefcase? Richard: I have nothing to carry. Hyacinth: Well, that doesn't matter. You should always look as if you have something to carry. Richard: Hyacinth… Hyacinth: They always promote people who look as if they have something to carry.