King of The Hill

Bill: By family tradition, we only light the fire with a page of good news from the paper. Bobby: "Baboon arrives safely at Space Station." Bill: Space monkeys are always good news.

Bill: People will eat my food and say "Boy, those Dauterive's were something. It's a shame they're extinct."

Gilbert: Alas, we are the final two. Our family tree can safely be cut down to build or coffins.

Bobby: It's just like shop, dad, but when you're done, you can lick your tools. Hank: Shop is nothing like baking! You can't live inside a cake you built; you can't cut your finger off on a pastry bag!

(Gilbert is screaming at Bill, who is sobbing on his floor, when Hank comes in) Hank: Say, how ya doin' there Gilbert? Bill, I brought you some coffee. Gilbert: Sir, leave us - let the Dauterives nurse their wounded pride in darkness! Hank: Yeah, I keep hearing about the Dauterive pride but all I see are a crying drunk and an angry sissy. If you've got any real pride, stop kicking a man when he's down! You wanna talk more about this, you and I will do it outside!

(Bill and Gilbert are standing in Bill's yard after only Gilbert showed up to his family gathering) Bill: There's no one but us? But what about Aunt Esthme and Cousin Violetta? Gilbert: Aunt Esthme died of fever, Violetta died suddenly in her sleep - the swamp takes what it calls its own. Let me tell you of our ill-fated kin: (points at people in an old family photograph) consumption, drink, impostor, madhouse, public madhouse, barren, barren, barren - well, pretty much this whole left side. Leaving only us.

Genealogist: Lots of Americans have ancestors who are royalty - African princesses, Gaelic chieftains. Tracing them just takes time, money and a flexible definition of royalty. Bill: I have all three!