King of The Hill

Hank: You're Ward Rackley? Ward Rackley: It's one of my many monikers, yes. I am also known as Manolgar of the North Woods, and in certain circles, Austin Aussman Straklabartar. Hank: How old are you? 30? 40? Ward Rackley: Not even close. I am 5000. Hank: Don't you have any friends your own age? Someone to drink with? Maybe a girlfriend? Ward Rackley: And waste my seed on a common harlot? Not likely. When the time is right, a maiden will be delivered up to me. Probably from the East. Hank: Some of this isn't your fault. I mean, a man can only take so many wedgies before he goes to pieces.

Peggy: Hank, I may be a mother, but I am still a woman, and I know a girl repellent when I see it. I want grandchildren! Will you fix this?

Ward Rackley: Our kind have always been persecuted by those who understand not. From the Salem witch trials of the 1600s to the locker-room beatings and swirlies of today. 'Tis all one.

Hank: See, Bobby? I knew you'd find your thing. And doesn't that sound like more fun than being in a musical about Oklahoma?

Hank: Dammit, Dale, I told you to stop painting your house number on my curb. Dale: Sorry, Hank, but I gotta lay low for a while. You have no idea how far the jackals at the Franklin Mint will go to collect a debt.

Hank: Ah, the flea market. It's like America's garage.

(The coven meets at a baseball diamond for their caninus spiritus ceremony) Ward: Everyone take their positions on the pentagram. Mitchell: Uh, Ward? A pentagram is supposed to have five points, but there are only four bases. Ward: Why do you always test me, Mitchell? Just go stand at shortstop!

Bobby:(about his tarot cards) They're like baseball cards for hobbits!

Hank (examining the cost of Bobby's book on black magic): 45 dollars? The family bible cost that much, and it was written by Jesus.