Boomhauer does not have any lines in this episode.
Tagline: "Valet of the Dales is not responsible for lost or stolen articles." -Dale
In this episode, Bill has hired the "Arlen Midget" to be an elf during the Christmas season. However, in the fourth season episode "Hank's Bad Hair Day," Hank says the Arlen Midget spends his winters in Florida.
Bill: I-I-I don't know how to be a father. All the books about it are by comedians and I never know when they're kidding and when they're serious.
Wally: 40 ounces for a buck is a good deal.
Bobby: Oh, yeah. I just usually drink 30 ouncers but hey, it's the holidays.(drunk)
Bobby: Just think, Connie girl when we're grown-ups and marrieds we'll get to do this every night.
Connie: Yeah, I want a house just like this-- with soft floors and plastic windows.
Joseph: Look at the stars. There's ...so many of them.
Wally: You know the best way to sober up? Bounce around a lot-- get it out of your system. (kids laughing)
Bobby: Hey, Dad! I like beer! (Bobby then vomits)
Joseph: Well, so much for my New Year's resolution.
Bobby: Hey, who says a mustache has to go across your whole lip?
Bill: I can't take down Santa's Village. You see how happy those kids are?
Hank: Well, they do like jumping.
Bill: Yeah. And someone I have a lot of respect for once told me that Christmas is about giving and love.
Hank: Yeah, we all got Boomhauer's Christmas card, too-- last month-- in December.
Bill: Hank, there'll be plenty of time for these kids to be beaten down by life.But if I extra joy and love into their world now shouldn't I?
Dale: Why do you hate love, Hank?
Hank: Looks like it's going to be a great New Year. Notre Dame lost, Bill had a great Christmas and now he's taking down his decorations instead of trying to hang himself with them.
Dale: Looks like he hired professionals. Or very dedicated amateurs.
(Cut to fence no longer blocking their view, showing a Christmas-themed bounce house being used be a very happy Bill)
Hank: What the...?
Dale: They start the Christmas season earlier and earlier each year.
(The Hills encounter a remarkable amount of traffic)
Bobby: Better honk, Dad. It won't feel if we miss "The Little Drummer Boy."
Hank: I'm doing the best I can. Wait a minute-- you're being sarcastic. You don't have any interest in seeing that little boy play his heart out, do you?
Postal Worker: We're always looking for volunteers to help with the letters to Santa we get each year.
Hank: That sounds like a great idea. I think I'll take one myself. What about you, Bill?
Hank: Yes. I think you'd make a great Santa. And no, that's not a fat joke.
Dale: I've got it! Bill wants to have a child. Hank's urethra is too narrow to have another child. Ergo, Bill should inseminate Peggy. Everybody's happy.
Hank: (punches Dale in the arm)
Dale: Ow!... Didn't hurt. (Dale walks out of the shot, rubbing his arm) Nancy!!
Hank: Dammit, Bill, some of us are trying to raise kids. Good kids. The kind who don't try to kill their parents in their sleep. Kids like Bobby.
Bill: Wally would never try to kill me in my sleep. He told me so. That kind of communication is very important in a father-son relationship.
Wally: Nice pool. What say we jump in and see what floats?
Luanne: Just keep your beer cans off of my lawn. And quit trying to read my T-shirt!
Dale: Valet parking is five dollars. Valet of the Dales is not responsible for lost or stolen articles.
Hank: Dale, I'm just going to park in my driveway.
Dale: That lot's full, but Bill says I can put overflow parking poolside at Luanne's house. Octavio! La bamba le automobilo! No scratcho, comprende?
Hank: Bill's great with kids. It's adults and holidays he seems to have a problem with.
Dale: Last Christmas I hid Joseph's gift so well, I still haven't found it. Cutest little puppy. Or should I say dog?
Bobby: And we can cap it all off with the Christmas smackdown!
Hank: Now hold on, this is rated TV-14, last time I checked you were still twelve.
Bobby: Tell you what -- you let me watch and I'll just close my eyes if anything gets too colorful.
Hank: Nice try, boy. I've seen how you watch TV, you don't blink.
Valet of the Dales
The name of Dale's valet service is a take-off of the best selling novel Valley of the Dolls by Jacqueline Susann, published in 1966. The story follows three women as they try to find success in New York City and Hollywood. The novel has spawned a movie as well as a soap opera.
The title is an allusion to the famous poem written by Clement Clarke Moore, "'Twas the night before Christmas."