King of The Hill

Bill: I-I-I don't know how to be a father. All the books about it are by comedians and I never know when they're kidding and when they're serious.

Wally: 40 ounces for a buck is a good deal. Bobby: Oh, yeah. I just usually drink 30 ouncers but hey, it's the holidays.(drunk) Bobby: Just think, Connie girl when we're grown-ups and marrieds we'll get to do this every night. Connie: Yeah, I want a house just like this-- with soft floors and plastic windows. Joseph: Look at the stars. There's ...so many of them. Wally: You know the best way to sober up? Bounce around a lot-- get it out of your system. (kids laughing) Hank: Bobby?! Bobby: Hey, Dad! I like beer! (Bobby then vomits)

Joseph: Well, so much for my New Year's resolution. Bobby: Hey, who says a mustache has to go across your whole lip?

Bill: I can't take down Santa's Village. You see how happy those kids are? Hank: Well, they do like jumping. Bill: Yeah. And someone I have a lot of respect for once told me that Christmas is about giving and love. Hank: Yeah, we all got Boomhauer's Christmas card, too-- last month-- in December. Bill: Hank, there'll be plenty of time for these kids to be beaten down by life.But if I extra joy and love into their world now shouldn't I? Dale: Why do you hate love, Hank?

Hank: Looks like it's going to be a great New Year. Notre Dame lost, Bill had a great Christmas and now he's taking down his decorations instead of trying to hang himself with them. Dale: Looks like he hired professionals. Or very dedicated amateurs. (Cut to fence no longer blocking their view, showing a Christmas-themed bounce house being used be a very happy Bill) Hank: What the...? Dale: They start the Christmas season earlier and earlier each year.

(The Hills encounter a remarkable amount of traffic) Bobby: Better honk, Dad. It won't feel if we miss "The Little Drummer Boy." Hank: I'm doing the best I can. Wait a minute-- you're being sarcastic. You don't have any interest in seeing that little boy play his heart out, do you? Bobby: Nope.

Postal Worker: We're always looking for volunteers to help with the letters to Santa we get each year. Hank: That sounds like a great idea. I think I'll take one myself. What about you, Bill? Bill: Me? Hank: Yes. I think you'd make a great Santa. And no, that's not a fat joke.

Dale: I've got it! Bill wants to have a child. Hank's urethra is too narrow to have another child. Ergo, Bill should inseminate Peggy. Everybody's happy. Hank: (punches Dale in the arm) Dale: Ow!... Didn't hurt. (Dale walks out of the shot, rubbing his arm) Nancy!!

Hank: Dammit, Bill, some of us are trying to raise kids. Good kids. The kind who don't try to kill their parents in their sleep. Kids like Bobby. Bill: Wally would never try to kill me in my sleep. He told me so. That kind of communication is very important in a father-son relationship.

Wally: Nice pool. What say we jump in and see what floats? Luanne: Just keep your beer cans off of my lawn. And quit trying to read my T-shirt!

Dale: Valet parking is five dollars. Valet of the Dales is not responsible for lost or stolen articles. Hank: Dale, I'm just going to park in my driveway. Dale: That lot's full, but Bill says I can put overflow parking poolside at Luanne's house. Octavio! La bamba le automobilo! No scratcho, comprende?

Hank: Bill's great with kids. It's adults and holidays he seems to have a problem with.

Dale: Last Christmas I hid Joseph's gift so well, I still haven't found it. Cutest little puppy. Or should I say dog?

Bobby: And we can cap it all off with the Christmas smackdown! Hank: Now hold on, this is rated TV-14, last time I checked you were still twelve. Bobby: Tell you what -- you let me watch and I'll just close my eyes if anything gets too colorful. Hank: Nice try, boy. I've seen how you watch TV, you don't blink.