Kitchen Confidential

Season 1 Episode 2


Aired Monday 8:30 PM Sep 26, 2005 on FOX



  • Trivia

  • Quotes

    • Cameron: Remember when I say we had to, you know, work together and all that?
      Donna : Yeah?
      Cameron: Yeah. Well now I'm gonna kill ya, and I'm gonna eat ya.

    • (During end credits. Teddy and Seth are arguing over the shape of the asparagus pyramid)
      Seth: That isn't a pyramid, that's a tee-pee.
      Teddy: That is totally a pyramid.
      Seth: Don't tell me about pyramids, my people built the pyramids.
      Teddy: My people invented spaghetti, do your people know about that?

    • Jack: (narrating) Here's the thing about a great restaurant. It's like great theatre. It's our job to dazzle you, amaze you, delight you. While keeping you totally ignorant of the Hiroshima going on backstage.

    • Jack: (narrating) Here's the thing about change. Sometimes you've think you've changed, but you haven't. You just traded one addiction for another. And sometimes that's the best you can hope for.

    • (About Steven)
      Pino: He's a liar and a thief.
      Jack: Everybody's something.

    • (Steven chases a group of men who didn't pay their bill)
      Steven: Did you gentlemen forget something?
      Banker 1: Get outta here, you limey fruit.
      Banker 2: Yeah, go play with the Queen.
      Steven: (menacingly) Oh dear, you had to involve the Queen.

    • Jack: (narrating) Turns out in this business, sometimes a criminal is exactly what you need.

    • Steven: Look, you got to trust that no matter what immoral, illegal or despicable thing I do, I do it for you.
      Jack: This is your caught-in-bed-with-another-woman speech, isn't it?
      Steven: A variation.

    • (Steven is irate that Jack has accused him of stealing from the kitchen)
      Steven: Oh pardon me, chef.
      Jack: Yeah, don't worry about that.
      Steven: I'm afraid in the course of the dinner service, I dropped three shallots and a veal chop on the floor. I put them in this envelope. Just wondering if you could sign for them to preserve the chain of custody.
      Jack: Let's talk about this in the walk-in.
      Steven: Oh right, the cavity search. Yeah, Jim, bring a flashlight and a quart of extra virgin olive oil, will ya?

    • Jack: (narrating) Recipe for tension; Take two best friends, stir in massive distrust, let's stand in a hot kitchen and garnish with large, sharp knives.

    • Pino: Tanya, do you notice anything different about the cappuccino machine?
      (Tanya stares at the place where the machine should be)
      Tanya: (unsure) It's not as much there as it used to be?
      Pino: Precisely. Do you know who stole it?
      Tanya: No. (pause) Can you give me a hint?
      Pino: Tanya, think. I asked you to keep an eye on these people for that very reason.
      Tanya: (angrily) So you're not going to give me a hint.

    • Jack: (to Seth) You're supposed to work the hotline, not the ladies.
      (Cut to Jack speaking with Steven)
      Jack: Listen, I need to work my lady, you got the hotline?
      Steven: Absolutely.

    • Cameron: No fair. I am not a pair of those.
      (Mimi and Cameron see Donna leaning down so the patron can see her cleavage)
      Cameron: If she gets to do that, I get to wear my pants two sizes too small.
      Mimi: You already are.

    • Jack: Hi. Jack Bourdain, head-chef. And you are?
      Wendy: Wendy the Safety Friend.
      Audrey: Wendy!
      Jack: Wendy the Safety Friend? What is that? Like Smokey the Bear?
      Wendy: Exactly. I'm here to make sure she doesn't get burned.

    • (Jack is cutting chicken, Steven approaches Jack with a dish)
      Steven: Oh mate. I've got some good news for all of us.
      Jack: What?
      Steven: You've got a fan at the bar.
      Jack: Yeah. No, I've got some boning to do.
      Steven: Yeah, my thoughts exactly. Off you go, good boy.

    • Seth: Tanya? What are you doing back here?
      Tanya: Just watching you. What's in your tube?
      (She points to his pastry tube)
      Seth: What? Nothing. I mean frosting. I was going to use my tube to frost my tarts.

    • Donna: I thought you were the veal fairy?
      (Cameron makes a sarcastic laugh)
      Cameron: Oh, I get it. Veal fairy 'cause I'm gay and you're losing.

    • Steven: Okay, I'm not going to lie to you. I stole too many miatake mushrooms.
      Jack: Stole? You said you swapped.
      Steven: Yeah, yeah, come on. Let's live in the now, huh? The point is, that Vlad and Lev here have kindly agreed to exchange the miatake mushrooms for these lobsters. Which they have assured me, come directly from some ocean.

    • Tanya: (excited) You're giving me a promotion?
      Pino: Yes.
      Tanya: Can I put a picture of my dog in the ladies room?
      Pino: No.

    • Steven: (to himself and Seth) Please shag our friend.

    • Jack: We had some good times too, though.
      Audrey: Yeah, we had some great times... when you were conscious.

    • Jack: The mushrooms weren't bad, okay. We didn't move them because Cameron can't pronounce maitake. He kept saying 'mat-so-tako'. I mean, what is that? Would you eat that?
      Steven: (not concentrating) Oh, excellent question, yeah. Also excellent, the arse of the woman directly behind you.

    • Jack: Hey Seth. Seth! You gonna send this out like this?
      (Jack shows Seth his cake)
      Seth: Yeah.
      Jack: Come on. Come on, there's more fingerprints on it than your prom date.

    • (About Mimi)
      Jack: Look at her, daddy's little girl.
      Steven: Putting poison in his ear. Well, you know how to get someone off your back, don't you?
      Jack: Put them on somebody else's.

    • Steven: Which is why, of all the chefs in New York City tonight, only Jack Bourdain is selling maitake mushrooms. Huh?
      (Steven shows Jack a bag of mushrooms)
      Jack: Steven, those aren't maitake mushrooms.
      (Steven stuffs the bag into his pants and pulls out another bag of mushrooms)
      Steven: (laughing) Almost had a very boring weekend.
      Jack: Listen, I know this is how we used to do business but Pino's not gonna stand for it.
      Steven: Ah, so what I'm hearing is don't get caught?
      Jack: No. Don't do it at all.
      Steven: Got it. (silently) Leave no trace.
      Jack: Dude, nothing.

    • Jack: (to Pino) Hey, in all fairness, no convictions. (pause) Well, no felony convictions.

    • Jack: (opening narration) Here's the thing about cleaning up your act. In my demon days, I would stay up all night, push myself to the limit and pass out on the floor. But I changed. Now I'm a sober, responsible professional. Who stays up all night, pushes himself to the limit. And well...
      (Show Jack sleeping in his office)

    • Jack: I wasn't sleeping. No, I was just taking my time for your pleasure. I'm awake now.

  • Notes

  • Allusions

    • Jack: The man cupped my face, like I was Fredo.
      This quote refers to the Godfather Part 2, where Michael realises his brother, Fredo, has betrayed him. At the New Year's party, Michael grasps Fredo by the head and kisses him.