Heather Locklear, Paul Giamatti, Caesars

Season 12, Episode 137, Aired
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Episode Summary

Heather Locklear, Paul Giamatti, Caesars. Comedy bits included "Late Night News Alert" helicopter coverage of Michael Jackson, "In the Year 2000: The Larry King Edition," and a visit from a ghost of Artie Kendell, a "singer" from 1930's NBC radio.
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      • Artie Kendell: Here's a little song that I wrote during the Great Depression, those were pretty hard times back then and I wrote this tune to cheer people up: [Singing] Oh, our economy has slowed down to a stop But there's an easy way to put the country back on top The solution, my dear neighbor Is to just bring back child labor And work those little bastards til' they drop Conan: Oh my God! That's terrible! You actually supported child labor? Artie Kendell: Sure did. Even had my own illegitimate kids make this suit for me. Took um over a week though, lazy little parasites. Conan: I'm sorry sir, that's just terrible. Artie Kendell: Well alright, lets change the subject then. How about a sweet little song that I used to sing for all the ladies. Conan: Well okay, that actually sounds nice, why don't you go ahead. Artie Kendell: Alright, here you go: [Singing] Oh, women shouldn't have the right to vote I'd rather hear opinions from a goat They're clearly all insane We should just remove their brain Then send them out to sea and sink the boat Conan: Oh now wait a minute, that's terrible! You actually sang that song on the radio? You're lucky you weren't murdered! Artie Kendell: I was murdered. Yep, yeah, the studio audience stuffed a wet rag in my mouth and beat me to death with their seats. Conan: Well I'm sorry, after hearing that stuff, I can't say I blame them. Artie Kendell: Hey you have a hot Irish temper. I wrote a little song about the Irish, listen up: [Singing] Oh, Irish people all evolved from rats And they wear their worn out livers as their hats They sleep in piles of dung They even eat their young... Conan: [Interrupting] Yeah, okay we're gonna take a break. Paul Giamatti's here. That's not right... Edit
      • Conan: Folks, I think its time once again, that we look into the future. Larry King: The future Conan? Conan: That's right Larry King, lets all look to the future, all the way to the year 2000. LaBamba: In the year 2000, In the year 2000! Conan: Mike Tyson will prove he is still the world's greatest boxer when he takes a job assembling cardboard boxes. LaBamba: In the year 2000! Larry King: Parents will stop telling their kids about the birds and the bees when the birds and the bees release a series of bondage porno films. LaBamba: In the year 2000! Conan: 'The Beach Boys' will finally change their name to 'The Beach Men', but only because Michael Jackson keeps asking to meet them. LaBamba: In the year 2000! Larry King: Paris Hilton's marriage will come to an unfortunate end after she decides that she wants to see six-hundred other people. LaBamba: In the year 2000! Conan: Sales of Dr. Pepper will plumet after its revealed that Dr. Pepper went to medical school in Guatemala and he specializes in back-alley boob jobs. LaBamba: In the year 2000! Larry King: Hunters in Alaska will shoot and kill a black bear, and then discover to their horror that it was actually a skinny-dipping Tony Shalhoub. LaBamba: In the year 2000! Conan: Scientists will discover that Galapagos turtles live for a long time, not because of their slow metabolism, but because they just want to be a burden on their children. LaBamba: In the year 2000! Larry King: Not having a joke to tell of his own, Larry King will take a phone call. Wichita Falls, you're on the air. Wichita Falls Caller: Hello Larry! Long time listener, first time caller. Larry King: Great, what's your prediction? Wichita Falls Caller: Angelina Jolie will break up yet another happy marriage when she gets between Star Jones and her waffles. LaBamba: In the year 2000! Conan: Larry King will lose his endorsement deal with Welch's Grape Juice when its reveals that King hasn't had juice in his grapes in over twenty years. LaBamba: In the year 2000! Larry King: I, Larry King, will call Conan O'Brien and ask him to appear on my show as Man of the Year. O'Brien will arrive at the desognated time, only to find an empty studio. I will be sitting at home laughing my ass off. LaBamba: In the year 2000! Edit

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