Conan: [Making fun of their Michael Jackson motorcade] The strangest thing about that part of California - they pave the roads with what looks like kitchen tile.
Conan: In a recent interview, Paris Hilton said she plans on retiring in two years. She wants to retire in two years. Hilton said for once I'd like to lie back, put my feet up and have nobody inbetween them.
Conan: This is interesting, since the verdict was announced, sales of Michael Jackson's CDs have gone up significantly. Great for sales, yeah. After hearing about it, Michael Bolton announced he sleeps with young boys.
Late Night Guest Autographs
Thanks for watching Ashton. I'll be back by 10:00 - Help yourself to anything in the fridge.
President George W. Bush:
I would appreciate it if you stop making jokes about me being distarded.
Leitzenshmitzel Poopzenmeitzen! (That's German for "Klotzenshmitzen Korfzelboffzen!")
Tell Max I have Caller ID now, so I know that's him breathing.
I'm telling you I'm really deeply, truly, madly in love with Karen Holmes.
You're the biggest nerd I've ever seen and I'm George Lucas.
I would do anything to get you to stop making gay jokes about me... and I do mean anything.
I can guess the size of a man's feet by how big his penis is.
When I heard your show was twelve years old, I couldn't resist doing it. Thanks :-)