Andrea and Rutè (aka the Hi-Ho Girls) put away the "rabid, hyperphagic and omnivorous" Late Show Bear; Dave reads a Martha Stewart-themed Top Ten under protest; Ricky Gervais promotes the British kids' flick "Valiant."
Dave points out that a person that was on the show last week incorrectly guessed his own state capital, then starts quizzing people; Harold Larkin puts away the Late Show Bear; a Kindergarten teacher from Colorado plays "Guess What Melted" with Rupert; Bill Maher comes up with "new rules" for American society while promoting his new book.moreless
As he does nearly every summer, Biff attempts to fry an egg on the sidewalk; Alan has trouble with the Late Show bear; Dave shows some questionably legit footage of Lance Armstrong's 7th Tour de France victory; Pauly Shore plugs his new reality show.
Like he does every Kentucky Derby weekend, Dave calls up Dave Johnson to hear him say "...and down the stretch they come!"; Christina Applegate promotes the musical "Sweet Charity" and discusses a recent injury onstage; Brian Regan performs a stand-up routine about cholesterol and heartburn.
Throughout the night, wax figures of celebrities that refuse to appear on the show are rolled onstage. One stagehand accidentally cops a feel on the Oprah statue, while Regis storms onstage to complain about his wax likeness.
Cold opening: Dave runs into a nude (yet blurred) Teri Hatcher who's locked out of her dressing room; "Late Show Week In Review" with Vinnie Favale as Elvis, a SWAT team kitty and Alan with a bevy of hookers; "Will It Float?" (a bag of fertilizer...no); Teri talks about swimming with a whale; Harry Hill performs standup.moreless
Tonight's clip from the NBC serial "Passions" features a monkey comforting a middle-aged woman; Dave meets the employees of Angelo's Pizza; Spamalot star Hank Azaria admits to Dave that he's a lousy dancer; author Jeff MacGregor discusses his year-long observational tour of the NASCAR circuit, and his subsequent book, Sunday Money.moreless
A lucky motorist wins $100 worth of free gasoline, which is spent up in less than five seconds; Alan has another hissy fit, this time in a Michael Jackson costume; singer-actress Kristen Chenoweth discusses painkillers.
One day after his 58th birthday, waffles are hucked at the audience. Quote Dave: "Why do I need joke writers when I have waffles?" Also, the Late Show recreates testimony from the Michael Jackson trial in which the "King of Pop" (Gerard) makes an ass of himself; the new Miss USA Chelsea Cooley delivers the Top Ten; David Duchovny promotes House Of D.; Ray Lamontagne performs.moreless
Dave explains how he cut his finger with a cheese grater, then confesses to having a great admiration for lesbians; in her first appearance on the show in 19 years, Jane Fonda discusses her marriage to Ted Turner and her infamous visit to Vietnam; Bloc Party performs "Banquet."
Roof problems at the theater results in rainwater onstage; Dave worries over Dengue fever; "Will It Float?" hits a snag when a bucket of gumdrops topples over; matchmaking cabbie Ahmed Ibrahim brags about his abilities as an interceder.
An audience member walks on her hands, wrap her legs around Dave, and pulls herself up; Dave shows a clip from the NBC soap "Passions"; Denzel Washington discusses sailing and drinking large amounts of water.
"On Sale Now" (a variation on "New Products") includes room-temperature sushi and flammable curtains; Pat and Kenny read a transcript of an interview between Oprah and Kirstie Alley; Dave closes the show by promoting Japanese gum.
Dave thanks the FBI and the Montana police for their efforts following a botched kidnapping involving his son last week; Pat Farmer celebrates "March Madness" by trying to duplicate his 90 foot drop shot into a goal on 53rd Street; Sandra Bullock doesn't talk about boyfriend Jesse James, but does plug Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous; "Alan Kalter's Are You ****ing Kidding Me?" takes a look at the Robert Blake verdict; Gwen Stefani discusses high school and performs "Hollaback Girl" with a drumline and sits down for a chat.moreless
Dave is able to work the phrase "needlessly circuitous" into the interview with Amanda Peet, plus he admires her profile; Alan gives suggestive advice to Condoleezza Rice; Susan Hum refuses to give her picks for the Final Four tournament; marathon man Dean Karnazes discusses the joy of running.
"Would You Like To Take A Ride On A Dog Sled?" on 53rd Street; Kirstie Alley wants to become promiscuous and discusses her new show "Fat Actress"; Alan has a stern word for Christo's wife Jeanne Claude; Kathleen Edwards performs.
"Late Show Week in Review": Dubya (mis)pronounces "nuclear" five different ways, while a Flashdancers employee dances around one of Christo's Gates. Also, Lego expert Nathan Sawaya creates a brick portrait of Biff.
Giant rats attack Christo's Gates; Dave comes up with a number of synonyms for inhaling marijuana; Alan editorializes on President Bush, only to float toward promoting a bootleg sex tape he made in 1989.
Dave demands to be grilled on the annual Barbara Walters Oscar special, but only if he does the interview with Oprah by his side; "Harold Larkin's Sidewalk Idol" searches for the next great singing talent; Kings of Leon perform "The Bucket."
Competitive eater "Crazy Legs" Conti attempts to break the world's oyster-eating record in the lobby of The Ed; "Stupid Pet Tricks" features three dogs (none too crazy about the oysters); Bonnie Hunt remembers Johnny Carson (and tries an oyster).
Dave's first new show following the death of Johnny Carson is an hour-long tribute, featuring clips of Johnny's appearances on both "Late Show" and "Late Night," and the "Tonight Show" clip of Johnny stealing Dave's pickup truck; longtime "Tonight" producer Peter Lassally; former "Tonight" bandleader Doc Severinsen and former NBC Orchestra members Tommy Newsom and Ed Shaughnessy perform one of Johnny's favorite songs, "Here's That Rainy Day."moreless
"Late Show Week in Review": On a special episode of the controversial Fox show "Who's Your Daddy?" the contestant's biological father pummels an amorous Alan; Dave discusses the art of comedy with legendary funnyman Jerry Lewis.
"Stump The Band;" Dave shows off his "baby Borg" trophy; Robert Downey, Jr. instructs Dave on the finer points of bil jee and performs a song from his new CD; Nicole Richie plugs "The Simple Life: Interns."
Dave calls up Patriots fan -- and "D Fence" guy -- Gary Wren, who drops an "F bomb;" Rupert learns karate at Tiger Schulmann's; the always on edge Jack Hanna with animals; Alan admits to being jealous of Jack Hanna, then has another hissy fit (and drops an "F bomb"); Teri Polo on her experiences making Meet The Fockers.moreless
Dave and Paul play a brand new game, "Antique or Junk?", which is supposed to replace the Friday night staple, "Will It Float?". Later in the show, Dave and Paul play "Will It Float?" with the antique lamp that was used in "Antique or Junk?". Also, Amy Sedaris laments the death of her imaginary boyfriend.moreless
A shocking message from Dubya; Dave contines his use of all the following: carbs, steroids and the word "snarky;" "Celebrity Resolutions" goes straight into the dumper; Alan's new show, "Desperate House Gal;" Kevin Bacon; Caroline Rhea; Wilco performs "Late Greats."
Dave wishes everyone a happy new year, then accentuates his goals for 2005 (he plans to use the word "snarky" more often); "Biff Henderson: Pollster" roams the streets once more; Hilary Swank plugs Million Dollar Baby; Andy Dick talks about his crabs; Green Day performs "Boulevard of Broken Dreams."
Dave's monologue is interrupted by a surprise appearance from Billy Crystal (promoting the one-man Broadway show "700 Sundays"); Dave introduces "The Nog-Cam;" 10 carolers present the Top Ten; Broadway star Kristen Johnston opens up to Dave about her recent mugging; Tom Dreesen tells another story about opening for Frank Sinatra.
As they do every year, Rupert, Joe G, Mujibur, and Sirajul place their edible "angel" on top of the Late Show Christmas tree; Jim Carrey discusses ab-crunches; Alan flips out while singing "The Little Drummer Boy"; Ashanti performs "Only U."
During "CBS Mailbag," Alan makes an attempt to travel back in time and ends up being vaporized. Later in the show, interim announcer Mike McIntee launches the "I Want to Be the New Late Show Announcer" sweepstakes.
During Mailbag, CBS suit Vinnie Favale announces a stricter policy on vulgarity on the network that may work to Dave's disadvantage; Senator-elect Barack Obama radiates charm and confidence while discussing politics; Dave and Jessica Biel swap stories about their dogs.
Via satellite from Indianapolis, Marv Albert and Dave's mom converse for the annual pie contest; Natalie Portman talks about an earlier Thanksgiving day LS appearance and plugs Closer; John Mayer performs "Daughters."
A telenovela catfight turns into a Pistons-Pacers basketball game; Rupert and a woman from Alabama drop fake turkeys off the top of the theater; Pittsburgh Steelers wonderkind Ben Roethlisberger participates in the latest Late Show QB Challenge.
Dave experiments with new camera angles by sitting on the edge of his desk; live in the green room, we meet a man who has collected pennies for over thirty years and amassed a fortune of roughly $28; Dave and Nicholas Cage talk about motorcycles.
During Mailbag, Rupert admits to learning how flirt with women from Bill O'Reilly; Canadian-born TV actress Evangeline Lilly hugs Paul; after a one-week holdover, Project Bandaloop finally trapezes around the building.
The annual run-through by NYC Marathon winners; Ball State University sophomore Ryan Carney adds to his Late Show tattoo collection; Tom Hanks on Scottish Mexican food, vomiting and The Polar Express; Nelly.
Dave, Alan, Paul and George Clarke all comment on Bush's reelection; Tom Brokaw wishes Harry a happy first birthday; Dave flirts with Mischa Barton of "The O.C." to hide the fact that he's never seen the show.
Dave plugs his and Paul's (bogus) "Decision 2004 Election Showdown Countdown Vote 2004 Democracy Corner" for tomorrow night's election coverage; Rupert reports from St. Louis and Game 4 of the World Series; Johnny Damon recalls Boston's come-from-behind triumph; Anne Heche talks about parenthood and Birth; The Donnas perform "Fall Behind Me."moreless
Dave's annual (and quite early) look at "Halloween Costumes;" George Clarke with a premature reminder about the end of Daylight Savings Time (Dave makes him down chocolate syrup); Amy Sedaris discusses her bunny and imaginary husband "Ricky;" Tommy Lee talks about his book, Tommy Land.
During "CBS Mailbag," CBS holds auditions for Dave's replacement, George Clarke learns how to play drums and Gerard Mulligan makes a triumphant comeback as President Bush. Also, Julia Roberts' niece Emma proves to be as enigmatic an interviewee as her aunt and Brian Regan does standup.
Live via satellite, Martha Stewart gets caught in a prison catfight; an NYU student plays "Guess the Bulge" at Hello Deli; Jordan Zevon (son of Warren) and The Wallflowers perform "Lawyers, Guns, and Money."
During "CBS Mailbag," Dave promotes the new Late Show newsletter, which includes an Alan Kalter centerfold; Brooke Shields visits; director-raconteur Barry Sonnenfeld returns to tell more amusing stories, and show samples of his martini art.
Dave acknowledges the passing of Rodney Dangerfield, then reads off a few of his best-known one-liners; "Found" magazine creator Davy Rothbart promotes his new book; The Killers perform their smash hit "Somebody Told Me."
Dave has another rant about Jay Leno's five-year notice to NBC; an autumn in New York quiz; a still graphic acknowledges the passing of staffer Dorothy Chambers; Howard Dean shills for John Kerry; George Clarke's "It's A Fact;" Franz Ferdinand performs "Take Me Out."
Live via satellite, Rupert plays bingo; Dave shows a photo of Harry shaking hands with one of the Stangel brothers; Tony ruins the ending of another movie En Espanol, then goes off on one of his trademark rants.
As it does every season, Alan's hair changes colors; Dave comments on Conan O'Brien's promotion to hosting The Tonight Show in 2009, then openly asks if he can go back to NBC to host Late Night; a Kodomo Dragon (courtesy of Jack Hanna) startles Dave.
Stand-ins for Dave and Dr. Phil stand in the gallows; in honor of a recent stunt on Oprah, everyone in the audience gets an automobile air freshener; Alan unintentionally admits that he's sexual dysfunctional.
Biff spends the day at New York-Presbyterian Hospital with Dr. Lou Aronne; an educational segment with Alan and an animated rodent goes awry; Ray Romano discusses the final season of "Everybody Loves Raymond;" Avril Lavigne performs "My Happy Ending."
"CBS Mailbag" introduces Rupert's new "girlfriend," answers the question, "Does Dave ever sing?" and features Alan's message to Hillary Clinton; Martin Short; "Late Show Back to School Tips;" Alan Jackson sings.
At Hello Deli: Rupert selects a contestant to play the "Late Show Heart Bypass Scramble;" Regis promotes his new standards CD; Alan recaps his summer, with the usual results; Hoobastank performs "Same Direction."
Dave brags about working on Labor Day; like it does every year, a runaway taxi ruins the staff Labor Day barbecue (and runs over Alan); three National Hollerin' Champions do their thing; Neve Campbell; Keane performs "Somewhere Only We Know."
Osama bin Laden announces that he wants to replace Craig Kilborn as host of the Late Late Show; Dave celebrates 11 years at CBS with a timeline; Biff reports from the Republican National Convention, with a goal to hug as many "Republican Babes" as possible.
A man from Pennsylvania turns himself into a human jack o'lantern on "Audience Show & Tell;" ten U.S. Olympians present the Top Ten; political writer Maureen Dowd makes several alarming comments on the presidential election.
"CBS Mailbag" features Dave getting friendly with U.S. Olympic volleyball stars Kerri Walsh & Misty May (bogus), Alan Kalter's "You're Busted" at Ranch 1, and New Jersey going "Gay Crazy." Also, gold medalist Paul Hamm discusses the Athens Olympiad.
Dave points out that CBS is airing stock footage of a guy wresting an ostrich to compete with NBC's Olympics coverage; director Chris Kentis promotes the thriller Open Water; "Still Standing" star Renee Olstead performs a scorching rendition of "Is You Is or Is You Ain't My Baby."
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