Ted: Wait till he sees the first insurance payment he'll be back in med school in a week! Oh my God, I'm a genius!
Riley: Why do you care what other people think?
Fran: I don't care what other people think but other people care what other people think. And I care about those people.
Ted: Josh, what are you doing with this woman?
Josh: Whatever she'll let me...
Reporter: Your boyfriend is 28 and you are...
Fran: Just so happy that you're here.
Fran: It was really Riley's idea to have you stay with us.
Ted: Well, it's understandable. He doesn't know me as well as you do.
Riley: Well, you and the kids are his only family.
Fran: We don't know that. I once got a call from a woman in the Philippines. I didn't know what the hell she was saying but she sounded pissed!
Riley: Who's gonna take care of Ted when he gets out of the hospital?
Fran: Who cares?!
Stacey You're gonna need to stay off your feet and have somebody care for your needs.
Ted: Right. I'll make you a key.
Allison: Daddy, are you really gonna be okay?
Ted: Oh absolutely, princess. Don't you worry, I'll be dancing at your wedding.
Josh: Her wedding... He's illusional!
Riley: Hey Ted, could you help me move this couch before you go?
Ted: Well Riley, it's not that I wouldn't love to help you... Well, actually it is.
Fran: You know, Ted. You see the boy for one minute. Can't you think of something else to talk about?
Ted: Let's see. What other subject can we exhaust in one minute? Oh I know, how is your love life?
Josh: Alright Dad, I can't compete with you there. I have to get a much better job before women will sleep with me for my money.
Josh: Oh good. Dr. Evil's gone.
Ted: Sorry Mini Me, no such luck.
Ted: Hello princess! Ready for your driving lesson?
Allison: Yes. But please wait until we clear the driveway this time before you start screaming (does a British accent) "Oh bloody hell, are you trying to kill me?!"
Fran: (to Ted) That's funny. That's what you used to say to my divorce lawyer.
Fran: Listen, nobody's gonna read this except for a handful of women in Long Island. And my ex husband.
Riley: Why would Ted pick up a copy of "Long Island Living"?
Fran: Because I'm gonna dump 2,000 copies in his car.
Tape Date: October 14, 2005.