Lock, Stock...

Season 1 Episode 1

& Four Stolen Hooves

Aired Tuesday 8:00 PM May 29, 2000 on Channel 4
out of 10
User Rating
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Episode Summary

& Four Stolen Hooves
The four owners of The Lock, a pub in London's East End, buy a quantity of stolen porn videos and a priceless watch. They think they are in the money but unbeknown to them all the goods were stolen from East London's toughest, hardest gangster, Miami Vice. Not surprisingly he wants his watch back and doesn't care about how he goes about recovering it. The gang have to get the goods back to Miami Vice without him suspecting their involvement, but get caught up in a heap of trouble involving lap dancers, an arsonist, a family of gypsies, and a stolen thoroughbred racehorse.moreless

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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (2)

    • QUOTES (13)

      • (About the horse they accidentally stole)
        Jamie: It's perfect. It's fucking perfect. We flog him!
        Bacon: Who to?
        Jamie: Moon's family. They love horses.
        Moon: They do like a horse.
        Jamie: Of course we'll have to disguise it.
        Bacon: Disguise it as what? A lanky cow?

      • Miami Vice: (to Firebug) Oh, you got bullocks alright. Trouble is, your bullocks are between your ears.

      • Firebug: Oh, fuck this! I'm getting a choc ice.
        Roy: Can you get us a cream egg?
        Firebug: Not if I have to watch you eat it.

      • Firebug: That... is taking the piss, mate.
        (He points to a donkey that they bought instead of a horse)
        Uncle Derek: You bought him. Fair's fair.
        Firebug: Fair's fair? What part of Uranus you from?

      • Jamie: Alright, you want the good news or the bad news?
        (Long pause)
        Jamie: The good news is, I just had the most amazing shag.
        (Moon, Lee and Bacon just stare at him)
        Bacon: That is terrible news.
        Jamie: The bad news is I don't know where the horse is.
        (The three groan in anger)

      • Lee: Firebug ain't pissing about. Now we gotta get that watch back or I'm immigrating.

      • Miami Vice: Sheik, all right mate. Sure you don't want to sell any horses?
        Sheik: I'm afraid I'm not a dealer, I'm a breeder.
        Miami Vice: (quietly) Yeah, wanker more like.

      • Miami Vice: First thing: never approach any of my girls while they're working.
        Lee: 'Course. It was stupid of us. It's just that we all went to school with Tanya.
        Miami Vice: Yeah I know. That's why you're standing in here and not outside being your bullocks kicked in.

      • (Jamie and Bacon are trying to sell porn to Nefarious)
        Jamie: This is the moondust of the porn world and I kid you not.
        Nefarious: It's not gay, is it?
        Bacon: (offended) Do we look like a pair of reargunners?

      • Nefarious: Miami Vice. You're cut above, you know that?
        Miami Vice: Yeah. Yeah I do.

      • Bacon: (narrating) At the end of the day, we don't mind getting our hands dirty. We just don't want them cut off. I mean, we know our limits. It's a pity our associates, don't know theirs.

      • Bacon: (narrating) Lee's passion is for the ladies. Shame it's not a two way deal. Still, every now and again, he comes up smiling.

      • Bacon: (narrating) Now Jamie... Jamie could talk a nun into having "666" tattoed on her arse if he wanted to. He's a jammy bastard. 'Course, he'll tell you it's talent.

    • NOTES (1)

    • ALLUSIONS (0)