Lock, Stock... Season 1 Episode 1

Miami Vice: (to Firebug) Oh, you got bullocks alright. Trouble is, your bullocks are between your ears.

Firebug: Oh, fuck this! I'm getting a choc ice.
Roy: Can you get us a cream egg?
Firebug: Not if I have to watch you eat it.

Firebug: That... is taking the piss, mate.
(He points to a donkey that they bought instead of a horse)
Uncle Derek: You bought him. Fair's fair.
Firebug: Fair's fair? What part of Uranus you from?

Jamie: Alright, you want the good news or the bad news?
(Long pause)
Jamie: The good news is, I just had the most amazing shag.
(Moon, Lee and Bacon just stare at him)
Bacon: That is terrible news.
Jamie: The bad news is I don't know where the horse is.
(The three groan in anger)

Lee: Firebug ain't pissing about. Now we gotta get that watch back or I'm immigrating.

Miami Vice: Sheik, all right mate. Sure you don't want to sell any horses?
Sheik: I'm afraid I'm not a dealer, I'm a breeder.
Miami Vice: (quietly) Yeah, wanker more like.

Miami Vice: First thing: never approach any of my girls while they're working.
Lee: 'Course. It was stupid of us. It's just that we all went to school with Tanya.
Miami Vice: Yeah I know. That's why you're standing in here and not outside being your bullocks kicked in.

(Jamie and Bacon are trying to sell porn to Nefarious)
Jamie: This is the moondust of the porn world and I kid you not.
Nefarious: It's not gay, is it?
Bacon: (offended) Do we look like a pair of reargunners?

Nefarious: Miami Vice. You're cut above, you know that?
Miami Vice: Yeah. Yeah I do.

Bacon: (narrating) At the end of the day, we don't mind getting our hands dirty. We just don't want them cut off. I mean, we know our limits. It's a pity our associates, don't know theirs.

Bacon: (narrating) Lee's passion is for the ladies. Shame it's not a two way deal. Still, every now and again, he comes up smiling.