Love Monkey Season 1 Episode 7

Karen: Hey Mike, Dana volunteers for Doctors Without Borders. Weren't you looking into that?
Mike: Yeah, I was. Really, I was, until I found out that those guys actually like to cure people instead of giving them rejuvenating facials.

Dana: I'm sorry I'm late. I had an emergency endoscopic transnasal brain surgery. How was your day?
Tom: Weird coincidence. I also had a trans-Atlantic microscopic... um, brain... yeah. I used the old, uh, grab and pull double suture. Do you use that?
Dana: Good choice.
Tom: Old school, right?

Shooter: You can tell a lot about a person by the way they play Monopoly.
Crystal Sloan: Monopoly?
Shooter: Yeah. You see, most people are all about quantity. They go in, buy up all the ghetto properties, you know? Vermont, Baltic. Then they put in some of that track housing. But me, I'm a lot different. I'm all about quality. I'd rather buy Boardwalk, build me a fancy hotel.

Jeff: Is he crying? There's no crying in music.
Julia: Are you kidding?
Tom: That's all there is.

Tom: (about meeting Gordon Decker) It'd be like you meeting, say, Barbara Walters.
Bran: She's not my idol, and I have met Barbara Walters. She has a big head. A surprisingly big head.
Tom: A big ego?
Bran: No, physically.

Bran: How did it go with Dr. Heimlich?
Tom: Dr. Heim... No, her last name's Graff.
Bran: I know, but she gave you the Heimlich, and...
Tom: I know, but that's not her name. It'd be weird if her name was Heimlich, and she gave me the Heimlich.

Jeff: (about Phil) Why's he being so nice?
Tom: I don't know.
Jeff: He's not nice. Do you think there's cyanide in my coffee?
Tom: I don't think there's cyanide. It's not his style. He'd go with lye, or bleach, or arsenic maybe.