When Spangler gets up from the desk, he has the pipe attached to his fake hand. As he turns, it is in his good gloved hand. He circles around his desk and turns again, and the pipe is back in his fake hand. This all takes place in just a few seconds.
The Chinese word on Malcolm's white t-shirt means "fruit."
Dewey: Does this means Reese is a girl now?
Malcolm: No, Dewey, he's a lady.
Reese: Shut up.
Malcolm: Yes, ma'am.
(Reese & Wendy hold hands while on the pyramid and it collapses)
Malcolm: Oh, my God!
Stevie (having a hard time breathing): Call... 9... 1...
(all the kids are in pain and Reese & Wendy are still holding hands)
Reese: I... I... Wendy?
Wendy: Did you say something?
Reese: Wendy, I really like you like a boy likes a girl, normal and healthy? I'm sorry for hurting you all those times. I'm really not a bad guy. Anyways, thanks.
Wendy: I like you, too.
Malcolm: Do you want to end up like Francis or Uncle Pete?!
Reese: I don't care anymore! Anything is better than this!
Malcolm: Even marrying Mom?
Malcolm (walks into room; sees Reese tearing up his uniform): What are you doing?
Reese: What's the point? You heard Dad! I'm doomed!
Malcolm: You can't quit! I worked too hard for you to quit now!
Reese: I hate to inform you, brain boy. It's not about you, it's about me!
Malcolm: That's before I spent an entire day with your hand on my ass!
Hal: Now, I want to tell you what happens when a boy really, really likes a girl. And Dewey, I'll make this easy for you to understand. (looks around for toys and grabs a robot and a girl doll)
Malcolm (to the camera): Oh, man! I still play with that.
Hal: You see, there's a certain thing that happens between normal healthy people. It's called chemistry. (accidentally fires toy gun from the robot) Well, that doesn't happen, except maybe the first time. But what does happen is this. (imitates robot) "I like you!" (imitates girl doll) "I like you, too!" (back to normal voice) ... and if they love each other and take their proper precautions, they'll have sex, but I've told you that already.
Dewey: Not me.
Hal: Well, ask your brothers.
(Malcolm & Reese give a disgusted look)
(Reese sobs loudly in the bathroom)
Malcolm: Come on, Reese. I really have to go! (bangs on the door)
Reese: I'm the most worthless, putrid loser in the world. Everybody hates me! I hate me! (resumes sobbing)
Reese: Stick your arms out! We have to sell this.
Malcolm: Can you move your hand a little to the left?
Reese: Spread your legs!
Reese: I said spread your legs!
Lois (in the kitchen seeing the boys, to Hal): It's time for the talk, Hal.
Malcolm: I'm not spreading my legs.
Reese: Does this look anything like a "Q"?
Commandant Spangler: I swear, you are absolutely fixated on mothers.
Francis: I'm not fixated.
Commandant Spangler: Can you name one thing in your life that you don't blame on your mother.
Francis: Sure... (thinks it through) Uh, I'm sorry, I was just giving an opinion.
Commandant Spangler: Well, it's that pop-psychology nonsense.
Francis: It is nothing to get defensive about.
Commandant Spangler: I am not defensive. Everytime anybody denies a lie, they're called defensive.
Francis: Fine, I take that back. Your mother was a saint.
Commandant Spangler: I am not saying that at all!!
Dewey: Mom, Dad... I'd really like a Herbie doll. I know it's expensive but I don't ask for a lot, and I've been very good lately... (he's actually rolling on the floor, crying and kicking and thrashing) I want it! I want it! I want it! I want it! I want it! I want it! I want it!
Lois: Looks like he found the sugar.
Hal: Aw, doesn't he look like a little dust mop?
Malcolm: Are you crying?
Reese: No, I was reading.
Malcolm: You don't read.
Reese: Just shut the door, Krelboyne.
Commandant Spangler: I am very tired off all the things you didn't mean to do. You didn't mean to come in four hours after curfew. You didn't mean to replace the morning relvery with a selection from "Trip Hop Wizard," tricky! Maybe I should rename this "Francis' 'I didn't mean to' File!"
Dewey: Can you buy me a Herbie?
Lois: No, they're too expensive.
Lois (in Dewey's mind): Maybe, ask me again in four seconds.
Dewey: Can you buy me a Herbie, please?
Lois: Didn't you hear me? I said no.
Lois (in Dewey's mind): Ask louder.
Commandant Spangler: SON! What were you thinking?!?!
Commandant Spangler (to Francis): Son, do you know what a wet nurse is?
Malcolm: Reese, why are you dressed like that?
Reese: I figured out what she likes. I started cheering for the football team, so I joined the cheerleading squad.
Malcolm: Why didn't you join the football team, doofus?!
Reese: She's a cheerleader!
Reese: I'm toilet-papering her house tonight. If that doesn't work, I'm out of ideas.
Malcolm: Look, Reese, maybe I can help you.
Reese: What am I supposed to do?
Malcolm: I don't know. Just try to find anything that doesn't make her cry. I guess you start off by finding out stuff about her. You know, do the things she likes to do.
Reese: Is that before or after I TP her house.
Reese: All right, I'll try it your way. Thanks.
Malcolm: No problem. (to the camera) I know I'm gonna pay for this, but... (back to Reese) Reese loves Wendy! Reese loves Wendy!
(Reese is about to punch Malcolm; Malcolm runs off)
Caroline: Malcolm, do you mind saying something to the class. They stayed inside while you were playing ball with your friends.
Malcolm (look at the Krelboynes): Thanks!
Talking Cookie (on TV): So be sure to try the new and improved Chip-a-Roo cookie today. (in Hal's imagination) I can make you taller. I can make you better looking. If you eat enough of me, I can make you president. Maybe even emperor of the world.
Hal: Honey, can you give me a box of these cookies?
Talking Cookie: Make it two.
Hal: Make it two boxes.
Malcolm (to camera): When a Krelboyne laughs at you, you know you are in trouble.
Lloyd: And that comes to the conclusion that every human have a specific and natural way of being...
Malcolm (to camera again): At least he does it right.
(Malcolm hears Reese crying and opens the door)
Malcolm: Ha! You're crying.
(Reese looks at him and is actually crying)
Malcolm: Oh, man, you're crying.
Reese: It is about a girl.
Malcolm (to camera): I should have backed off.
Reese: (enters with a cheerleading uniform) Hey, Mom. Where's the iron? (finds it) Oh. (takes it away)
Lois & Hal: It's a girl!
Reese: What? I took a shower. Is that such a crime?!
Lois: Reese, is this going to be a daily thing. Because we're behind...
Hal: Honey, let me handle this. (to Reese) Son, are you on drugs?
Reese: No, it's just... why doesn't everyone just leave me alone.
Malcolm: What are you doing?
Malcolm: You look different.
Reese: I took a shower.
Malcolm: I knew it!
TV Reporter: (in Deweys point of view) In international news today, boring, boring, boring. I am incredibly boring. Do you know who is boring? Me. Boring goring soring loring noring roring thoring. Why haven't you changed the channel yet?
(Dewey changes the channel to cartoons)
Herbie Doll: Dewey, have you forgotten me? I thought you were friends. All the other boys and girls on your street are my friends. They all bought me. Your parents have lots of money. They're just hiding it. But I didn't want you to buy me for me. It's for your own good. I didn't want to have to tell you this, but if you don't buy me, you'll die.
(Dewey gets shocked by getting wide-eyed)
Malcolm: Oh, my God, I'm a Krelboyne with a brother who's a cheerleader. I could wet my pants in public and it would be a lateral move.
Reese: I'm just not coordinated unless I'm hitting somebody.
Malcolm: I don't know why Mom gets me up at 8:00. School doesn't even start until 8:15.
Malcolm: Listen to the words: good, boy, cheerleader. Quit while you still have some dignity.
Reese: Oh, and let her think I'm a quitter.
Malcolm: You can't even remember a simple six-step routine.
Reese: There's six steps?
Malcolm: Yes. It's just right-left-right-left-reverse-pose.
Reese: You remember that by just watching?
Malcolm: You guys did it like ten times!
Reese: I know what's more embarrasing.
Reese: Getting beaten to a coma by a good boy cheerleader.
Commandant Spangler: (screaming from his office) My mother was neither a Madonna or a whore! She was a damn fine woman!
Reese: So, you know my routine?
Malcolm: It's not that hard.
Reese: But... you know my routine.
Malcolm: Yes, I do. Look, I know where this is going...
Reese: No, you don't. You're going to help me.
Malcolm: That is where I was going.
Reese: Oh, good. Let's get started.
Malcolm: I tried talking to him, I gave him advice, I tried reasoning with him, there's only one thing left to do: Sit back and laugh my ass off!
Hal: (giving the sex talk) If the boy is from OUR family, it goes a little more like this... (using the action figures to represent a boy and girl couple) "I like you." "I HATE you!" "Now, I LOVE you!" "LEAVE ME ALONE! Your insane neediness is driving me away!" "Look at me! Look at me, I'm crazy! Pay attention to me! I'm an idiot, watch me crash and burn! Woop-woop-woop, whoo!"
Malcolm: The only thing worse than a guy cheerleader is the guy who never takes his hand out of his butt!
Reese: Oh, you mean Chester? He's a cheerleader too! He does a lot of solo work.
Cold Open: The Krelboynes sing during recess while Malcolm plays basketball.
This is the last appearance of Catherine Lloyd Burns as a regular cast member. Her name still appears in the opening credits of the next episode, "Rollerskates," however, she doesn't appear in the episode.
Herbie, the toy Dewey wants, resembles the blue aardvark from the DePatie-Freleng theatrical series, The Ant and the Aardvark from 1969 to 1971, and his voice sounds strikingly similar to the Mad Hatter from Disney's Alice in Wonderland (1951).
User Score: 887
User Score: 306
User Score: 777
User Score: 767
User Score: 649
User Score: 247
User Score: 227
User Score: 195
User Score: 165
User Score: 118
User Score: 109
User Score: 72
User Score: 65
User Score: 64
User Score: 52
User Score: 41
User Score: 40
User Score: 32
User Score: 31
User Score: 25