Man At Funeral
At 14:55 a bug can be seen crawling down the wall, just over Reese's left shoulder as he is saying "It's anarchy, baby!".
The song that Hal plays near the end of the episode is "Stuck in the Middle" which was written and performed by Stealers Wheel.
Malcolm: I think is time to move to plan B: lying.
(switches to the kitchen)
Lois: What book report?
Malcolm: I just remembered. I have a big book report due tomorrow, and I haven't even started reading it. (to the camera) Standard technique. You volunteer a small crime to distract them from looking for the big one.
Lois: So what's the report on?
Malcolm: "A Tale of Two Cities."
Lois: Oh, how many words?
Lois: Was that on your assignment sheet?
Malcolm: No, it's an addendum.
Lois: When did you get that?
Malcolm: Thursday. I didn't bring it home. That's why I forgot to do the assignment. (to the camera) Oh, nice one.
Lois: Well, I suppose that if it's school work.
Malcolm: (to the camera) That's the mislead. Wait for the reverse.
Lois: "A Tale of Two Cities." Who's that by?
Malcolm: Charles Dickens.
Lois: Oh, I thought it was Victor Hugo.
Malcolm: No, it's Dickens.
Lois: Is that the one with Jean Valjean?
Malcolm: That's "Les Miserables."
Lois: No, no. Isn't "A Tale of Two Cities" the one with Jean Valjean, where he says: "It's a far, far, bettering thin I do..." right before he steals the loaf of bread?
Malcolm: No. Sidney Carton says that before they behead him.
Lois: I thought you hadn't read it.
Malcolm: What? No, I said I hadn't written it.
Lois: And when is it due?
Malcolm: Tomorrow, I told you.
Lois: On "Les Miserables?"
Malcolm: Yes. No. "A Tale of Two Cities."
Lois: Which you haven't read yet.
Lois: But you just said you did.
Malcolm: No. I-I said I didn't... and then you said... it was Thursday, and... (shouting angrily) Look, I just don't want to go to this stupid funeral!
Malcolm (to Stevie): Before you say anything, just remember we're best friends. So that doesn't stop me from kicking your ass.
Stevie: Way to go, homieo!
(Lois walks in the kitchen and watches Egg eating cereal)
Lois: Who is that boy?
Reese: How am I supposed to know?
Hal: I don't know.
Lois: (whispering to Francis on a cell phone) Yeah, Francis. Your father's giving a speech and it's actually kind of good.
Man at Funeral: Can I have my phone back?
Lois: (to the man) I'm almost done, sweetie. (back on the phone) Oh, Aunt Helen looks just lovely.
(Reese has his nose on the wall as a punishment, then he turns around)
Lois: (yelling) YOU TURN RIGHT BACK AROUND, MISTER!!!!
(everyone looks at her)
Lois: (back on the phone, whispering again) You'll never guess what Reese did.
Reese: As for Aunt Helen, no one knows what I would have done at that funeral because we're not going.
Lois: Who says we're not going?
Reese: You did!
Lois: Well, you can guess again! You are going to march up to that coffin and apologize to that poor dead woman!
Malcolm: (goes up to the record player, turns it off, and yells to Hal) How could you let her see me in my underwear??!!!
Lois: I have had it! From now on, no one has to do anything. We could all just do whatever we want. And I want to take a bubble bath!!
(they both walk away)
Malcolm: So, that's a yes on the concert?!
Dewey: (pours some juice) Darn it, darn it, darn it. Mom, I spilled.
Lois: So, clean it up!
Malcolm: Oh, great, Mom guilt!
Malcolm: Mom, I can't wear Reese's hand-me-downs. Look at this, Jell-o in the pockets, the fly's broken, and it smells like wet dog.
Lois: You should be glad he only wore it the one time.
Lois: Egg! Cut it out!
Francis: Who is Egg?
Lois: Oh, he's a new boy in the house.
Reese: Oh, Mom, a dead suit. (pause) Cool, a dead suit!
Hal: Hey, you're taking a backpack to the funeral.
Reese: My back gets cold.
Hal: Fair enough.
Lois: Francis, I really can't talk to you right now. We're on our way to Aunt Helen's funeral.
Francis: Aunt Helen died?
Lois: Well, I sure hope so. We're going to her funeral.
Hal: I have to get my speech ready, anyway.
Lois: Honey, you know you don't have to talk at every funeral we go to.
Hal: I wish that were true. You see how people look to me when they ask if somebody has a few words to say?
Lois: They're not looking to you; they're looking at you.
Hal: To, at... what's the difference?
Lois: Did you call that girl?
Malcolm: Yes, I called her. I called her and told her I couldn't go to the concert, and now she's probably going to invite someone else.
Lois: Well, Malcolm, I'm sorry that my mother's sister - the woman who took care of me every day after school - had to die and incovenience your social life.
Dewey: Cats ate her face.
Francis: (on the phone) I think you're confused, I'm talking about Aunt Helen.
Dewey: Cats ate her face.
Francis: Just put Mom or Dad on.
(Dewey puts Hal on)
Francis: What happened to Aunt Helen?
Hal: Cats ate her face, but Dewey knows more about it than I do.
Cold Open: Malcolm is reading a story to the class, while everyone, including the teacher, are mesmerized . As soon as the story ends, everyone applauds, and says what a great job he did. Stevie can't help but make a jab at him.
Hal tells Dewey that it's just a myth that hair continues to grow after death, but rather that the head shrinks. He is technically correct; as the body desiccates—dries—the skin contracts exposing more of the hair shaft.
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