Malcolm in the Middle

Malcolm (to Stevie): Before you say anything, just remember we're best friends. So that doesn't stop me from kicking your ass. Stevie: Way to go, homieo!

(Lois walks in the kitchen and watches Egg eating cereal) Lois: Who is that boy? Reese: How am I supposed to know? Lois: Hal... Hal: I don't know.

Lois: (whispering to Francis on a cell phone) Yeah, Francis. Your father's giving a speech and it's actually kind of good. Man at Funeral: Can I have my phone back? Lois: (to the man) I'm almost done, sweetie. (back on the phone) Oh, Aunt Helen looks just lovely. (Reese has his nose on the wall as a punishment, then he turns around) Lois: (yelling) YOU TURN RIGHT BACK AROUND, MISTER!!!! (everyone looks at her) Lois: (back on the phone, whispering again) You'll never guess what Reese did.

Reese: As for Aunt Helen, no one knows what I would have done at that funeral because we're not going. Lois: Who says we're not going? Reese: You did! Lois: Well, you can guess again! You are going to march up to that coffin and apologize to that poor dead woman!

Malcolm: (goes up to the record player, turns it off, and yells to Hal) How could you let her see me in my underwear??!!!

Lois: I have had it! From now on, no one has to do anything. We could all just do whatever we want. And I want to take a bubble bath!! Hal: Fine! (they both walk away) Malcolm: So, that's a yes on the concert?!

Dewey: (pours some juice) Darn it, darn it, darn it. Mom, I spilled. Lois: So, clean it up!

Malcolm: Oh, great, Mom guilt!

Malcolm: Mom, I can't wear Reese's hand-me-downs. Look at this, Jell-o in the pockets, the fly's broken, and it smells like wet dog. Lois: You should be glad he only wore it the one time.

Lois: Egg! Cut it out! Francis: Who is Egg? Lois: Oh, he's a new boy in the house. Francis: What?!

Reese: Oh, Mom, a dead suit. (pause) Cool, a dead suit!

Hal: Hey, you're taking a backpack to the funeral. Reese: My back gets cold. Hal: Fair enough.

Lois: Francis, I really can't talk to you right now. We're on our way to Aunt Helen's funeral. Francis: Aunt Helen died? Lois: Well, I sure hope so. We're going to her funeral.

Hal: I have to get my speech ready, anyway. Lois: Honey, you know you don't have to talk at every funeral we go to. Hal: I wish that were true. You see how people look to me when they ask if somebody has a few words to say? Lois: They're not looking to you; they're looking at you. Hal: To, at... what's the difference?

Lois: Did you call that girl? Malcolm: Yes, I called her. I called her and told her I couldn't go to the concert, and now she's probably going to invite someone else. Lois: Well, Malcolm, I'm sorry that my mother's sister - the woman who took care of me every day after school - had to die and incovenience your social life.