Malcolm in the Middle Season 3 Episode 16

Reese: Look, Ed, school gets out at 3:00. It is 2:15. I've been waiting for over an hour.

(Reese is in Ed's van, waiting for him to return from the meeting with his guidance counselor. Finally, Ed returns.)
Reese: So, "Dad", you gonna ground me?
Ed: Geez, your counselor was furious.
Reese: Alright... now that that's done, why don't we just go home, I could jump in your jacuzzi, and you could throw something on the barbecue for me?
Ed: I have a better idea... why don't we just go home, I could jump in MY jacuzzi, and you could throw something on the barbecue for ME!
Reese: What are you talking about?
Ed: Well, let's just say that with the information your counselor just gave me, I could call your mom, and you won't see daylight for years!
Reese: Oh, yeah?! Well, I'll tell your secret to your wife!
Ed: Well, I guess the question is, am I more afraid of my wife... or are you more afraid of your mother?
(Later, we see Reese rubbing suntan lotion on Ed's back)

Hal: Who are we going to beat?
Team: The Black Hawks!
Hal: And what are they?
Team: EVIILL!!!!

Malcolm (to computer Malcolm, a 500lb dirty man): Kill them... no don't make a sandwich! Kill, kill... no, don't kill yourself! Don't kill! Don't kill... ah you stupid fat bastard!!
(cut to shot of a forklift carrying the giant sim into a grave. Malcolm opens up the window, but instead of throwing it (computer) out the window, he dumps it on the floor)
Malcolm (to Stevie): That had nothing to do with the game!

Hal: You can't quit just because you lose a couple of games.
Dewey: The coach quit.
Hal: No. He had an emotional breakdown, that's completely different.

Dewey: Eat chalk, evil doer!