Malcolm in the Middle

Season 1 Episode 5

Malcolm Babysits

Aired Sunday 8:30 PM Feb 13, 2000 on FOX
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Episode Summary

Malcolm Babysits
Malcolm's cushy babysitting job provides relief from the trailer the family's using while their house is being fumigated, until Malcolm learns that the trust placed in him in his new position is strictly limited. Meanwhile, the military school's master key leads Francis to a corpse, for which he provides a proper send-off.moreless

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Mark Tymchyshyn

Mark Tymchyshyn

Mr. Inkster

Guest Star

Joan McMurtrey

Joan McMurtrey

Mrs. Inkster

Guest Star

Eric Stonestreet

Eric Stonestreet


Guest Star

Drew Powell

Drew Powell

Cadet Drew

Recurring Role

Karim Prince

Karim Prince


Recurring Role

David Anthony Higgins

David Anthony Higgins


Recurring Role

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (0)

  • QUOTES (18)

    • Malcolm (on videotape): I don't know who Melissa is, but she certainly uses a lot of lipstick. Oh, I hear you coming, so I better leave, by the way, I quit. (leaves)
      Mr. Inkster (to wife): And... who is Melissa?

    • Francis: It's buring really fast. How much gas did you use?
      Cadet Drew: Half a can.
      Francis: Where did you put the can?
      Francis: Oh.
      Stanley: Look, it's heading towards the boat house.
      (bigger explosion)
      Francis: What do you think? Run?
      Stanley: Yeah, I'd run.
      (everyone runs)

    • Lois: Keep it down!
      Reese: Huh?
      Hal: Don't talk to your mother like that!
      Lois: Go sit in the corner!
      Reese: There are no corners!

    • Reese: My butt is sweating.
      Lois: Ah, it just needs to air out a little.
      (Reese starts unbuckling his belt)
      Lois: The trailer!

    • Dewey: Mom, can I have a story?
      Lois: Once upon a time, there was a little boy that made his mom so crazy she decided to sell him to a circus.
      Dewey: An evil circus?
      Lois: No, a nice one with monkeys.
      Dewey: Thank you.

    • Malcolm: (to the camera) They trust me. People like these trust me. I, obviously, have to say something nice to them. This is why my family sucks. I have no training in this. (to the Inkster parents) This job... me like.

    • Francis: What did my Mom send me? (opens a box) Bug-infested cookies. As usual, a mixed message.

    • Hal: Look at that sky, Malcolm. Just think. Somewhere out there, all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, who's looking down on us. Or would it be up at us? Or maybe sideways?
      Malcolm: Trust me, Dad, they're all looking down on us.

    • (Hal and Lois are arguing when a car pulls up, Hal is in his underwear)
      Hal: (yelling) What are you looking at?! Hey, this is a private conversation buddy. Huh!!
      (the driver stares while Malcolm tries to hide himself)
      Hal: Oh, yeah, like you've never seen this before!!
      Malcolm: My mistake. I'm on the next street over.
      (Hal and Lois continue fighting)

    • Malcolm: It's weird. I think I'm having a spasm. The muscles in my face are pulling from my mouth. Oh, I think I'm happy.

    • Francis: (to Stanley) Did you tell anyone about this place?
      Stanley: No.
      Francis: Huh. Must've been me, then.

    • Malcolm: These people are amazing. They're rich, they're smart, they're polite. What are they going to do next, give a million dollars?
      Mrs. Inkster: Malcolm, do you want a million dollars?
      Malcolm: What?!
      Mrs. Inkster: I said, do you want a sandwich to take home?
      Malcolm: Oh, close enough.

    • Francis: (reading name tag) "Lester." Looks like he was the janitor. How long you think he's been down here?
      Stanley: (licks mummy) I'd say May of '85.
      Francis: You can tell that by tasting?
      Stanley: No, the date on the newspaper.
      Francis: Then why did you lick him?
      Stanley: How often do you get to taste a mummy?

    • Lois: Craig, thank you so much for lending us your trailer.
      Craig: Oh, I'm just glad someone's finally getting some use out of it. I bought it 15 years ago to take on my honeymoon.
      Lois: You were married?
      Craig: No, I live on hope. (crosses fingers)

    • Lois: Say goodbye for a few days, boys. We're moving out.
      Malcolm: This is humiliating. Why can't we just stay at a nice hotel?
      Lois: Because we're giving all our money to the exterminators so they can stay in nice hotels.

    • Lois: You're going to start babysitting next week. Just save up.
      Malcolm: I don't even know what they're gonna pay me.
      Lois: I'll tell you what they're gonna pay you. They're gonna pay you what all jobs pay -- less than you're worth and just enough to keep you crawling back for more.

    • Hal: Besides, son, robots are evil.
      Malcolm: What?!
      Hal: Westworld, Terminator, the creepy maid from The Jetsons... How much scientific proof do you need?

    • Francis: This guy was more than an alcoholic pervert janitor. He was one of us.

  • NOTES (4)