Malcolm in the Middle

Season 2 Episode 21

Malcolm vs. Reese

Aired Sunday 8:30 PM Apr 22, 2001 on FOX



  • Trivia

  • Quotes

    • Hal: We don't know how he could have broken in.
      Dewey: You left the window open.
      Hal: Problem solved.
      Officer: What are you doing here again?
      Hal: We're watching a cat.
      Officer: I don't see one.
      Hal: We're not doing a very good job.

    • Dewey: Look! His bowl is empty! He was here! You're the smartest dad in the world!
      (Hal looks around sadly at the damage in the house)

    • Craig: And when the long weekend is over, you'll have earned five whole dollars.
      Dewey: You told Mom ten.
      Craig: Right, $10. Aren't you a good listener.

    • Malcolm: (to the camera) Mom wasn't too thrilled about having to pick us up from the police station. But it was totally worth it. We don't have to serve Francis anymore.

    • Francis: (opens up the sun blocker, finding a post-it note saying "you will pay" and closes it) Amateurs.
      Girl: What?
      Francis: Oh, nothing. It's just a prank from some of the kids at the center.

    • Hal: I'll tell you one thing, I've never seen 50 cats run out of a place so fast.

    • Lois: You're telling me that not one of these cats is Jellybean?! What's wrong with you?!

    • (Malcolm is fixing Francis' hair while he reads a newspaper)
      Reese: (enters with a pack of cigarettes) Hey! I found these in the laundry of my shirt pocket. You put them there, didn't you?! (throws the pack at Malcolm)
      Malcolm: Yeah! (picks up a muddy sneaker) Just like you put my muddy sneaker on the kitchen table. (throws the shoe)
      Francis: Guys, what's going on?
      Malcolm: (to Francis) He's trying to get me grounded so I wouldn't go with you. (looks at Reese) But he is too stupid to pull it off!!
      Reese: We'll see who's stupid when this stupid's watching a wrestling match!
      Francis: Guys, this is supposed to be a contest about love and you twisted it to something ugly. Carry on.
      (Reese & Malcolm both start fighting and punching)
      Francis: (goes back to reading the newspaper) This, too, pleases me.

    • Hal: (sees Jellybean, but takes off; Hal is running to get Jellybean in his underwear) Come back here, Jellybean! Jellybean, want some kissy kissies?! (screams)

    • Hal: Wow, Craig. I didn't know how much you were into comic books.
      Craig: Well, it's not like I'm a freak about it.

    • Officer: I just don't know how those guys got in.
      Hal: It's a mystery.
      Dewey: You left the window open.
      Hal: Mystery solved.

    • Reese: NO! No way! We're not doing another butt-kissing contest!

    • Malcolm: You deliberately bought two tickets just to torment us?
      Francis: No. Of course not. I bought them to see who loves me the most. Now, I know you both love me, but I bet one of you loves me a little bit more.

    • Francis: I forget, you guys enjoy wrestling, don't ya!
      Reese: (surprised) Rage in the Cage?!
      Malcolm: (surprised) Oh, my God! You're the best brother ever. We're gonna have so much... (realizing there's only two tickets) That's only two tickets.
      Francis: I know. How am I ever gonna decided which one of you to take?!

    • Craig: Look, I know I'm being demanding. Jellybean's apartment was burned down, too.
      (Jellybean meows)
      Malcolm: (walks off with Reese, to the camera) Alright, it was almost worth it.
      (Craig makes kissy sounds to Jellybean)

    • Hal: It's a very complicated situation. Don't blame Dewey.
      Lois: I am not blaming Dewey.

    • Dewey: Which one's Jellybean?
      Hal: Well, that's another challenge. We'll make three piles. Probably not Jellybean, definitely not Jellybean, and not even a cat. Let's start with that possum.
      Dewey: I think it's time to call Mom.
      Hal: I was hoping you would say that.

    • Francis: How about if I washed the car before I take it, and I rake the leaves or scoop out the gutters, and if that's not enough, I'll clean the whole attic.
      Malcolm: Mom, give him a break.
      Lois: Alright, you got yourself a deal. Bring it home in one piece.
      Francis: You need anything ironed, Mom.

    • Dewey: Please, don't go outside, Jellybean. Don't be scared, Jellybean. They're just eardrops. See? (puts some drops in his ear and screams; Jellybean runs away) Jellybean! No, Jellybean! (runs to get Jellybean)

    • Dewey: (with Craig in his mind) A half cup of wet food in one bowl and a half cup of dry in another. He likes the juice from the wet half, so pour it on to the dry. Jellybean also likes you better than your brothers. Everyone likes you better than your brothers. Someday, you'll be the President of Idaho. Anyone taller than you will be fed to the wolves.

    • (Lois wants to relax in a hot bath, but walks over and sees the tub dirty; she blows out the candle and grabs the cleaner and brush and cleans it, then she turns on the water)
      Dewey: Hi, Mom. (he's very dirty with dirt and mud all over him as he holds up a can of worms) Wanna buy a worm?
      Lois: Oh, for crying out loud! Well, let's get you cleaned up.
      (scene changes to Lois in the tub)
      Lois: Don't forget your ears, Dewey!
      Dewey: (outside cleaning himself with a hose in the cold) Okay. (shivers)

    • Malcolm: Here's your sandwich, Craig. Can I go to bed now?
      Craig: Mayo on only one side?
      Malcolm: It's a lot of mayo.
      Craig: No one is saying it's not, but I specifically asked for it on both sides.

    • Hal: Let me tell you something about cats. They're night creatures, which means they prefer the night. Then again, so do dogs, coyotes, and... devil worshippers.

    • Lois: Okay, now here's what we're gonna do!
      (scene changes from Craig's house to Craig's house burned down)
      Lois: Okay, I'll say it! It was a really bad idea!

    • Lois: How could this have happened? We've ruined Craig's life!
      Hal: No, it's not our fault, Lois. At a certain point we just have to say to ourselves that Craig is just cursed!

    • Hal: Dewey wait till you see who I. What happened to your face?
      Dewey: What happened to your pants?
      Hal: Never mind that. Look who I have. (carries a cat)
      Dewey: Mrs. Johnson's cat?
      Hal: (realizing it) Yes! Mrs. Johnson's cat.

    • Craig: I know this sounds silly, but can you put Jellybean on the phone?
      Hal: Oh, sure. (makes believe he's getting the cat) Ah, here he is, little frisky.
      Craig: Jellybean, that you?
      (Hal makes purring noises as Craig is doing baby talk)
      Craig: I love you. Give me a kiss.
      (Hal makes strange kissing noises)
      Craig: Jellybean?

    • Officer: License and registration, please.
      Francis: Officer, what did I do?
      Officer: This car was reported stolen.
      Francis: Oh, it's been reported stolen, huh? (digs into wallet to find nothing but a small slip saying "It Gets Worse")
      Officer: I'm not gonna ask you again.
      Francis: Sir, I know this looks bad...
      (we hear banging in the trunk)
      Officer: Open the trunk!
      Francis: Officer, let me explain...
      Officer: OPEN THE TRUNK!!!!
      (Francis unlocks the trunk as the officer opens it and finds Malcolm & Reese in the back tied up)
      Officer: GET OUT OF THE CAR!!!!!!!

    • Malcolm: You have to decide who's going with you!
      Francis: Oh, yeah. About that. There's this girl I met at the Burger Barn, and guess what? She likes wrestling.
      Malcolm: What?
      Francis: Come on, guys. A girl that likes wrestling! I'm much of a victim as you are!
      (both are still shocked)
      Francis: You'll understand when you get older. You guys are cool. I'm definitely bringing home a couple of programs. (leaves room)
      (Malcolm & Reese look at each other about revenge on Francis)

    • Reese: What are you doing?
      Malcolm: Wait'll Mom sees what you did to my expensive microscope.
      Reese: You don't have the guts!
      Malcolm: Say you quit, Reese.
      Reese: NO! You're gonna be totally grounded when Mom sees the beating you gave to me! Ahhhhh... (punches himself)
      Malcolm: What are you doing?
      Reese: (continues punching himself with blood gushing out of his mouth) Sucker!!
      Malcolm: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!!! (breaks his microscope as Reese continues punching himself)

    • (Reese wakes up Malcolm)
      Malcolm: What?
      Reese: I just realized something. You can do Francis' homework for the next five years, but still can't go to Rage in the Cage if you're grounded.
      Malcolm: What are you talking about?
      (Reese puts a black paint marker in Malcolm's hand)
      Reese: MOM!!!
      (Malcolm looks over and sees Dewey's face colored black; scene changes to the kitchen; Reese pulls Lois into the kitchen)
      Reese: It's Malcolm. He's totally lost it!!
      Malcolm: Hi, Mom.
      Lois: Where's Dewey?
      Malcolm: He left early to feed Craig's cat.
      Reese: NO WAY!!! (looks in room and doesn't find Dewey and starts tearing off sheets)
      Lois: What is going on here Reese?!?!

    • Reese: I just wanna say Malcolm has done nothing.
      Francis: I know.
      (Malcolm comes in and drops report on Francis)
      Francis: What's this?
      Malcolm: Your history report. Guaranteed an A+. You can completely slack off for the remaining of the semester and still pull a C+.
      Francis: This, too, pleases me.

    • Reese: I've got some chalk. We can draw dead guy outlines on the pavement.
      Francis: Boring!

    • Francis: Hey, Mom, can I borrow the car so I can take it over to Richie's?
      Lois: No.
      Francis: Why not?
      Lois: Because, when I let you borrow the car, it's always filthy.

    • Francis: Who's got a quarter?
      (Malcolm gives Francis a quarter)
      Francis: Great! You're in the lead! (to Reese) You should make me a sandwich.

    • Francis: Come on, guys! It's Rage in the Cage. You should be happy!
      Reese: (smiling) We are happy!
      Francis: You're not doing the happy dance.
      Reese & Malcolm: (dances) Happy dance, happy dance, we love to do the happy dance.
      Francis: Happier.
      Reese & Malcolm: (dances) Happy dance, happy dance, we love to do the happy dance.
      Francis: Happier!
      Reese & Malcolm: (dances with more joy) Happy dance, happy dance...

    • Dewey: It's Jellybean.
      Hal: Okay. I'll just put some more pills in his food. Keep him entertained!!
      (Lois goes over and picks up the cat)
      Hal: Or we could just pick him up.

    • Craig: How's Jellybean?
      Hal: He's right here resting on the TV where it's nice and warm.
      Craig: Oh, yeah. That reminds me. Can you press record right now on my VCR and let it run. There's something I want to record.
      (The VCR has been stolen.)
      Hal (nervous): Oh, sure.

    • Hal: These are sleeping pills, Dewey. I simply told the doctor I've been up the past few nights, things aren't going well with the wife, afraid I'm going to lose the house... Now don't you worry, son. Those are just lies I told to get prescription drugs.

    • Hal: Son this is a very serious situation. Of course we're not getting your mother.

  • Notes

    • Song Info:
      Butt-Kissing Contest: "Saturday" by Sumack
      Chasing Jelly Bean: "Madaddy" by Pepe Deluxe
      Dewey's Markerface: "Big Muff" by Pepe Deluxe
      Out-Grounding Contest: "Weapon of Choice" by Fat Boy Slim
      Francis' Car Ride: "Crawling" by Scapegoat Wax

    • Some of the Malcolm in the Middle bloopers were aired after the original airing at the end of the episode.

    • Cold Open: Lois wants to take a nice bath, but when Dewey gets dirty, she makes him clean up out in the freezing cold, and takes her bath in peace.

  • Allusions