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Caroline Miller (Season 1)
Guy in Grandstands
Tough Cadet #1
We learn Malcolm was named after the famous stock car racer "Rusty Malcolm."
Hal: All right, men. Well, I hope you all learned something today, huh?
Malcolm (to the camera): I learned my dad is capable to doing something cool. I'm not saying violence is cool, but that was cool! I always wondered where we got it from.
Caroline: Well, at least you have your home and your family. All I come home to every night are three howling cats and Bob.
Lois: Who's Bob?
Caroline: My showerhead.
(Caroline & Lois both crack up)
Lois (on the phone): Well, honey, here's the thing. Right now, you are actually better off being as far away from me as possible.
Lois: Aw, you're gonna have to trust me on this, Francis, or, uh, should I say... (looks at a fake ID) Olaf Mortenson of Wheatville, Montana.
(Francis hangs up)
Malcolm: It actually was pretty b*tchin'. I'm totally getting one of these for Christmas.
Lois (finds firecrackers): Firecrackers. Malcolm. (finds a porn magazine) Haha, I'm gonna say Reese. (puts the two aside on the table) Three rooms to go and already I have enough evidence to ground them for life.
Hal: You know you were named after Rusty, Malcolm.
Malcolm: I was?
Hal: Yes, sir-iee. Took me two kids to win that article.
Hal: You see, this is Rusty's last race ever. He's retiring. So I wanted to share him with you before he went so you could see for yourselves how much you can accomplish in this world with a little persistence and determination.
Guy: (behind him) Did you read that article about him getting a divorce?
Hal: Shut your filthy mouth?!
Reese: I have an idea.
Malcolm: Reese, no. Whatever is it, don't.
(Officer Carl enters the room)
Officer Carl: Well, I guess you boys had some time to think about what you've done.
Malcolm: Yes, sir.
Officer Carl: Look, kids, I used to be your age and I know how temptative a place like that can be, and you don't seem to be in any major harm, so I decided to let you off...
(Reese punches officer and goes running to the door)
Malcolm: You idiot!
(cold opener - Malcolm and Reese are watching cartoons; Dewey gets in front of the TV)
Reese: What are you looking at, monkey boy?
Dewey: (hits himself) Ow! Ow! Ow! Reese!
Reese: What are you doing?
Dewey: (continues hitting himself) Ow! Help! Ow! Mom, help!
Reese: Cut it out!
Dewey: Ow! Ow! It hurts! Ow!
Reese: KNOCK IT OFF, YOU LITTLE...
Lois: (from the other room) REESE!! (approaches them) What the heck are you doing? Honest to God, you can't leave him alone for 5 MINUTES WITHOUT PICKING ON HIM!!!
Reese: I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!
Reese: HE WAS LYING!!
(Dewey takes Reese's spot while the camera goes to Malcolm)
Malcolm: (to the camera) I gave him that.
Malcolm: I'll be Kevin. You be Clyde.
Reese: You think you can cry?
Malcolm: No. I gotta feel it.
Malcolm: At least she doesn't know I ditched school.
Reese: I'm a diabetic, I need insulin!
(Lois and Caroline lift up the couch)
Caroline: Ew! What is that?
Lois: Don't be such a baby. I'll get the tongs!
Malcolm: Dewey, stay over here. You're going to be lost.
Dewey: No, I'm not.
Malcolm: Yes, you will. You always do. (to Reese) You know, I could use some help.
Reese: I'm watching him. He's right over... (finds Dewey lost)
Malcolm: (to the camera) Man, how does he do that? (to Reese) Totally your fault. He was right in your eye line. You don't pay attention to anything.
Reese: I pay attention. (sees a half-eaten hot dog) Score! (picks it up and eats the rest of it)
Malcolm: What are you doing?
Reese: (mouth full) Too slow!
Malcolm: As long as it's getting me out of square dancing, I don't really care.
Dewey: Reese put a booger in my lunch bag!
Hal: Dewey, what did I tell you about snitching?
Dewey: Only snitch when asked to snitch.
Lois: You are not a weirdo. You are gifted. If gifted kids are supposed to square dance, then you'll do it. Probably teaches you geometry.
(Malcolm rolls his eyes)
Reese: We laugh our asses off.
Lois: Excuse me.
Reese: Butts. We laugh our butts off.
(Hal laughs while Lois gets some liquid soap)
Lois: (puts soap in Reese's mouth) Open. Swish. Spit.
Reese: (spits) This tastes like crap.
Reese: Do we at least get to see any flaming wrecks?
Hal: Reese, it's not about that. See, it's about strategy and technique. It's about the melding of man and machine. The wrecks are just sort of a bonus.
Malcolm: This place sucks. It's hot, it stinks, nobody's t-shirts cover their stomachs, and I'm bored out of my mind.
Lois: Malcolm, what is all that stuff from your teacher? That woman sends home two or three fliers every day.
Malcolm: She says she wants the parents to be involved as possible with the children.
Lois: At school? It's the only break I get!
Reese: They wouldn't make it forbidden unless there was something totally bitchin' on the other side.
Cold Open: Dewey hits himself and tricks Reese into grabbing him so he gets into trouble from Lois, a trick he learned from Malcolm.
Hal and the boys come home to discover that Lois has gone through all of their stuff. In that pile was a pack of Morley cigarettes, the same fake brand the Cigarette Smoking Man prefers to use on The X-Files.
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