Malcolm in the Middle

Caroline: Well, at least you have your home and your family. All I come home to every night are three howling cats and Bob. Lois: Who's Bob? Caroline: My showerhead. (Caroline & Lois both crack up)

Lois (on the phone): Well, honey, here's the thing. Right now, you are actually better off being as far away from me as possible. Francis: But... Lois: Aw, you're gonna have to trust me on this, Francis, or, uh, should I say... (looks at a fake ID) Olaf Mortenson of Wheatville, Montana. (Francis hangs up)

Malcolm: It actually was pretty b*tchin'. I'm totally getting one of these for Christmas.

Lois (finds firecrackers): Firecrackers. Malcolm. (finds a porn magazine) Haha, I'm gonna say Reese. (puts the two aside on the table) Three rooms to go and already I have enough evidence to ground them for life.

Hal: You know you were named after Rusty, Malcolm. Malcolm: I was? Hal: Yes, sir-iee. Took me two kids to win that article.

Hal: You see, this is Rusty's last race ever. He's retiring. So I wanted to share him with you before he went so you could see for yourselves how much you can accomplish in this world with a little persistence and determination. Guy: (behind him) Did you read that article about him getting a divorce? Hal: Shut your filthy mouth?!

Reese: I have an idea. Malcolm: Reese, no. Whatever is it, don't. (Officer Carl enters the room) Officer Carl: Well, I guess you boys had some time to think about what you've done. Malcolm: Yes, sir. Officer Carl: Look, kids, I used to be your age and I know how temptative a place like that can be, and you don't seem to be in any major harm, so I decided to let you off... (Reese punches officer and goes running to the door) Malcolm: You idiot!

(cold opener - Malcolm and Reese are watching cartoons; Dewey gets in front of the TV) Reese: What are you looking at, monkey boy? Dewey: (hits himself) Ow! Ow! Ow! Reese! Reese: What are you doing? Dewey: (continues hitting himself) Ow! Help! Ow! Mom, help! Reese: Cut it out! Dewey: Ow! Ow! It hurts! Ow! Reese: KNOCK IT OFF, YOU LITTLE... Lois: (from the other room) REESE!! (approaches them) What the heck are you doing? Honest to God, you can't leave him alone for 5 MINUTES WITHOUT PICKING ON HIM!!! Reese: I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!! Lois: NO! Reese: HE WAS LYING!! (Dewey takes Reese's spot while the camera goes to Malcolm) Malcolm: (to the camera) I gave him that.

Malcolm: I'll be Kevin. You be Clyde. Reese: You think you can cry? Malcolm: No. I gotta feel it.

Malcolm: At least she doesn't know I ditched school.

Reese: I'm a diabetic, I need insulin!

(Lois and Caroline lift up the couch) Caroline: Ew! What is that? Lois: Don't be such a baby. I'll get the tongs!

Malcolm: Dewey, stay over here. You're going to be lost. Dewey: No, I'm not. Malcolm: Yes, you will. You always do. (to Reese) You know, I could use some help. Reese: I'm watching him. He's right over... (finds Dewey lost) Malcolm: (to the camera) Man, how does he do that? (to Reese) Totally your fault. He was right in your eye line. You don't pay attention to anything. Reese: I pay attention. (sees a half-eaten hot dog) Score! (picks it up and eats the rest of it) Malcolm: What are you doing? Reese: (mouth full) Too slow!

Reese: Hookers? Malcolm: As long as it's getting me out of square dancing, I don't really care.

Dewey: Reese put a booger in my lunch bag! Hal: Dewey, what did I tell you about snitching? Dewey: Only snitch when asked to snitch.

Lois: You are not a weirdo. You are gifted. If gifted kids are supposed to square dance, then you'll do it. Probably teaches you geometry. (Malcolm rolls his eyes)

Reese: We laugh our asses off. Lois: Excuse me. Reese: Butts. We laugh our butts off. (Hal laughs while Lois gets some liquid soap) Lois: (puts soap in Reese's mouth) Open. Swish. Spit. Reese: (spits) This tastes like crap.

Reese: Do we at least get to see any flaming wrecks? Hal: Reese, it's not about that. See, it's about strategy and technique. It's about the melding of man and machine. The wrecks are just sort of a bonus.

Malcolm: This place sucks. It's hot, it stinks, nobody's t-shirts cover their stomachs, and I'm bored out of my mind.

Lois: Malcolm, what is all that stuff from your teacher? That woman sends home two or three fliers every day. Malcolm: She says she wants the parents to be involved as possible with the children. Lois: At school? It's the only break I get!