Malcolm in the Middle

(Hal is covered in bees) Hal: Call animal control. Malcolm: You ripped the phone off the wall. Hal: Go to the neighbors. Malcolm: They won't let us over any more! Hal: Do something!

Malcolm: I thought this was porn. Dabney: Ew! No, this is much better.

Malcolm: How many sodas did you have? Dewey: (all hyped up on caffine) I dunno, I dunno, I dunno. Wanna see me write on my tongue?

(Hal is slapping Craig's stomach on top of him) Hal: Say uncle! Craig: No! Hal: Just say it! We can end this right now with a little dignity if you just say it. Craig: Never! Hal: One simple word. Craig: Duncle. Hal: Uh-uh, you said duncle. Now you gotta say "uncle" in my butt. Craig: LET ME UP!!!

Malcolm: Wait, we need your help. My dad's going crazy. He hasn't slept in 4 days. He's smoking, he's dancing around in his underwear. He's ripping phones out of the walls. You've got to stop him. Craig: Don't worry, son. I'll handle this. (opens refrigerator) Malcolm: What are you doing? Craig: You don't expect me to tackle something like this on an empty stomach?

Hal: (answering phone) Hello! Oh, hi, Mr. Jackson. Well, yes, I do have a very good reason for not going in to work today. Well, how about this? I didn't come to work because somehow I felt that eight hours of joyless, mind-numbing crap just didn't seem like fun. Well, I guess we're just going to have to agree to disagree. (hangs up; rips phone from wall)

Spangler: Hello! Lois: Who are you? Spangler: Edwin Spangler. I am Commandant of Marlin Academy. Lois: Good for you. Where's your eye? Spangler: Pardon? Lois: Do your ears work? Do you have some business with my son? He needs to rest. Spangler: Well, I stopped by to pick up your boy's homework. Lois: Homework?! You're not giving him homework. My son nearly lost his life - something that never would have happened if you'd taken proper care of him in the first place. Spangler: Well, I assure you, ma'am, had it not been for Francis' long history of crying wolf... Lois: Crying wolf? You listen to me, you idiot! My child is sick. He does not need you marching in here, puffing up your little chest, and making his life more miserable than it already is. Why don't you just go play "army man" somewhere else? Spangler: (walking away) God, she is magnificent.

Craig: (hugging Hal) Be strong. Lois will get through her operation. She is a fighter. Hal: No, no, Craig. It was Francis. Craig: (crying) Oh, my God! Did he shoot her? I knew it! I told her to stay away from him! That boy has been nothing but trouble. Hal: Uh, Craig, uh... Lois did not have an operation. Our son Francis did. She just went down to Alabama to look after him for a while. Craig: Oh. Well, tell Lois I stopped by.