Malcolm in the Middle

Lois: You know, Mom, if this thing does go to trial, it might help us if you worked a little bit on your demeanor. You know, when you deal with other people, you could be pleasant and say, "How are you?" And that way people will think that you care about their feelings, and then, they might care about yours. Ida: What the hell are you talking about?

Mr. Dietrich: (to Ida) We froze Victor's pension because of the dispute with the other family. But you're absolutely right, Manitoba law states that a common-law wife is entitled to her husband's pension. Of course, you'd have to prove you're a common-law wife with DNA tests of children, lease in both your names, phone bills, that sort of thing. But I think you'd win. Ida: Finally, a Canadian who isn't an idiot. Mr. Dietrich: The problem is, the pension's only $43.50 a month. Canadian. And what with hiring a lawyer, court costs, other expenses... it would all cost so much, I don't see you breaking even for 20 or 30 years. Do you think you'll live that long? Lois: God no! I mean... no.

Sylvia: Ida, I think you should know that besides the restraining order, I have a knitting needle. All right, it's a crochet hook.

Ida: (on the phone, to Lois) My life is horrible! I can't think of anything but death. I thought I'd come down tomorrow for a visit. Lois: What?! You want to come see us tomorrow? Mother, that's a great idea. We would love to see you because tomorrow is Jamie's birthday. And there are gonna be kids here, and balloons and songs... Ida: I just remembered. Tomorrow, I'm getting waxed. (hangs up)

Hal: Dewey, I just found this letter. It says your school's going to have a father-son 5K race, and it was in the trash. Dewey: I wanted to save you the trouble of agreeing to do it, and then coming up with a bunch of lame excuses when you don't show up.

Malcolm: I'm glad it's him not me. (everyone laughs) I wish that was me.

Reese: God, I hope the zombies attack today. (loads gun)