Mama's Family

Naomi: Since Aunt Effie came here, I've lost time at work. Bubba: I've had to wear wrinkled clothes. Iola: I had to get a tetanus shot!

Bubba: Grandma! You forgot to iron my green shirt. Thelma: Well it's not St. Patrick's Day, go put on your blue shirt. Bubba: It's wrinkled too! Thelma: Well blue looks better wrinkled.

Mama: Effie, do you remember when my mama was so sick she was in the hospital? You pulled me aside and you said "Thelma, take her home, she's never going to get better in this place". The doctor insisted she stay and Carl and the kids didn't want the inconvenience, so I left her there and she never come out. (Effie looks towards Thelma) I'm not going to let that happen to you Aunt Effie. So just open up and eat. (Effie refuses) Effie, why won't you meet me halfway? (tries the oatmeal) Well no wonder, this stuff is God-awful.

Mama: What would you like for dinner kiddo? Effie: Oatmeal. Mama: I think she's still just a little confused. I'm sure she means meatloaf.

*Vint is flipping through math flashcards, on the problem "9 x 9."* Vint: Eighty-one? Boy, this new math is tricky.

Vint: Yeah, face it Mama, it's a lost cause. Mama: Vinton, if I gave up on lost causes, the day you were born, I would have told the doctor, "Return to sender."

Mama: Well Vinton, you nitwit, these are the multiplication tables! Vint: Well, what difference does it make? She can't talk, maybe she can add. Mama: Well, maybe you can go jump in a lake.

*Iola is trying to help Effie knit again, and Effie stabs Iola in the thigh with the needles* Mama: I think you should all tear a page out of Iola's book and start treating Effie like a human being instead of a door stop. Isn't that right Iola? Iola: Would y'all excuse me. I believe I have a run in my stocking. *Limps towards the door and goes outside* Iola: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Mama: That woman places far too much importance on her appearance.

Mama: If you call turnin' over little pieces of cardboard livin', then you're in worse shape than she is.

Naomi: Besides, I don't think Effie even knows we're there. Mama: She most certainly does too. Every time the family pays a visit, she gets this sort of pained expression.

Iola: With all this new, high tech therapy, I'm just sure she'll spring right back. Mama: Well, we're talkin' Raytown here Iola. The closet thing that hospital has to high tech is the new Coke machine.

Iola: How's Effie getting along? Mama: Pretty good. Dr. Kelly said we were real lucky; it was just a mild concussion. If I've told her once, I've told her a thousand times. She is too old to be reshingling the roof.

*Vint tells Mama how finding his long lost puzzle is big news* Mama: Oh yeah, I'll bet they'll make it the lead story on the evening news. Jerk gets jigsaw. Film at eleven.

Vint: It's my miracle jigsaw. Mama: Yeah? What's the miracle? Does it put itself together?