*Vint is recording his outgoing message*
Vint: Hello. I am speaking to you from a Satusbishi 1200. No kidding; this baby is loaded: dual micro tapes, remote control, unlimited message, voice activated. Uh, it's in the wood tone finish.
Mama: WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF! What are you gonna do next, read the warranty?!
*Iola plays the outgoing message that she had on her answering machine, which is in a dull voice*
Mama: Well Iola, you forgot, "The white zone is for loading and unloading of passengers only."
*Naomi records her outgoing message in a sexy voice*
Mama: Good Lord Naomi, it's supposed to be a phone message, not foreplay.
*Bubba records his outgoing message as Elvis*
Bubba: What do ya think?
Mama: Well, it makes me wanna step on your blue, suede head.
Iola: Oh, was that Elvis? I thought you were doin' Nixon.
Mama: I can remember where I put the soup bone.
Vint: Well, gee, I guess you're becoming forgetful in your old age.
Mama: Maybe so. Lately it's been slipping my mind to slap you silly!
Mama: And just tell me what you hear.
*Bubba listens to the silence*
Bubba: The faucet's dripping.
Mama: Not that. Now just wait a second. Now just listen.
Bubba: Refrigerator hum?
Bubba: Uncle Vint sippin' coffee! The rustle of dry leaves?
Mama: Bubba, this is not a guessing game! I want you to hear the dog!
*Bubba listens, but doesn't hear anything*
Bubba: What dog?
Mama: The dog that's not barking now.
*Someone else calls about the dog Old Lady, and Mama hears them leaving a message, thinking they mean her*
Purvis: Hello? I'm calling for Vint Harper. If your Old Lady's still up for grabs, I can take her off your hands.
Mama: What's they do, take out an ad?!
Purvis: I'll make a nice place for her in the barn so she can watch the livestock. Course, on real cold nights, I'll let her come in and sleep with me if she's the affectionate type.
Mama: Oh my Lord! They're selling me into white slavery!
Purvis: Call me back at 555-5540. Ask for Purvis.
Mama: Well Purvis, you pervert!
*Mama thinks the family is putting her away, but they mean the dog*
Mama: How would y'all like to be carted off to the Puente Pines Retirement Home?!
Naomi: Well gee, I think it beats being locked up in a garage.
Vint: Yeah. It's really beautiful out there Mama. Wait till you see it.
*Mama holds up her rolling pin*
Mama: One more step and you're gonna see God!
Mama: I can't believe that they are actually gonna put me in a home. Just because I forgot a few phone messages. I lost a meat loaf or two. *Old Lady barks outside, and Mama runs to the window to see a dog without luck* I hear dogs that aren't there. Alright, so I'm losing it. They don't hafta put me away, they could just lock me in the attic like any decent family would do.
*The phone rings and Mama listens to the message*
Dr. Bishop: Naomi? This is Dr. Bishop. My office is right across from Food Circus. My secretary tells me you're looking for a home for your Old Lady. Now, I uh know of a nice place right on the outskirts of town. It's a little run down, but she won't know the difference. Now don't worry, there's a high fence around it so she won't be able to get out. If you like, you can bring her to my office, and I'll sedate her for the trip.
Mama: Oh my Lord! There gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
Mama: For the last time, I am not forgetful!
Iola: Oh, Thelma, you forgot to put the soup on.
Mama: I knew that!
Mama: If I wanna talk to a machine, I'll have a chat with my osterizer.
Iola: You know the Brinkerhoffs, they named their little girl Sigourney, after Sigourney Weaver.
Mama: Yeah? I heard it's cause the kid looks like a gorilla.
*Naomi is showing Vint the dog she found*
Naomi: I call her Old Lady, just like Lady and the Tramp
Vint: Hmm, she looks like Old Tramp to me.
Mama listens as the answering machine picks up
Mama: "It's Your dime, spill it!"
Theresa Parker: Hello this is Theresa Parker and I am urging you to reconsider finding a home for yourOld Lady. It simple isn't right.
Mama: Well bless your Theresa who ever you are.
Theresa Parker: I've seen that poor dear wandering around the parking lot at the Food Circus, and believe me, the only kind thing to do is put her out of her misery.
Mama: GET OFF THE PHONE YOU MOTHER KILLER!
Mama: Some dog left his calling card on my lawn and I just stepped in it!
Iola: Oh, I hate that.
Mama: Well, who likes it?
Mama (on the answering machine): "It's your dime, spill it! "