(The family is discussing Vint and Naomi getting to adopt a baby)
Mama: Bubba, if the Harper family did not pass with flying colors, I will dance naked with the mailman.
Iola: (enters) Knock, knock.
Mama: Oh, come in hon, you're just in time for lunch.
Iola: Well, I don't know if I should stay, under the circumstances.
Vint: What circumstances?
Iola: Well, I just got off the phone with Vernilia. She thought it best if I tell you. The adoption agency turned ya down.
Vint: Oh, no!
Mama: Well, I am in a state of shock.
Bubba: Just think how the mailman's gonna feel.
Vint: I am out of here. At last, I'm free. As free as the wind blows. As free as the grass grows. Free to follow my heart. (pauses) Born free. . .
Mama: Oh, shut up!
Vint: You told me you'd keep it till I was mature enough!
Mama: Hell Vinton, those chemicals have only got a fifty year shelf life.
Naomi: You see, they were afraid that we wouldn't have enough time for our baby, on account of us both being so career oriented like we are.
Mama: Well what turned them around? Finding out ya got dead-end jobs?
Naomi: The doctor says my poor baby's been shooting blanks.
Mama: Oh my Lord. I was afraid something like this would happen ever since you had that horrible dodge ball accident in the fourth grade.
(Vint is worried about Naomi)
Vint: Oh Mama, what if she never comes back?
Mama: Did she take her hot rollers or her make-up?
Mama: She'll be back.
(Mama is drinking a beer as Vinton enters)
Vint: Isn't it a little early for that?
Mama: It's eight PM in Munich. Gesundheit!
(Mama is talking about her mother)
Mama: That old dragon made my life a living hell! But I gave her respect! "Honor thy Father and thy Mother." That is what the Good Book says, and that is what I did! I honored that prune-faced old harp until she drew her last breath! And what did it get me?! Nothing but heartache and criticism and backtalk! What, oh what did I ever do to deserve such ungrateful brats?! Tell me! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!
Naomi: Come to think of it, I think I was pretty hungry for affection as a child.
Mama: Becoming an adult did nothing to curve her appetite.
(Vint and Naomi are discussing adopting a baby)
Vint: It wouldn't be blood. I mean, the kid would have absolutely nothing to do with our two gene pools.
Mama: Well, this idea's soundin' better and better.
Mama: Vinton has been eatin' my food his entire life, and I have never heard of him complain about being barren till he took up with you!
Vint: Could we talk about something else?!
Naomi: Just what is that supposed to mean?!
Mama: It means you wore him out! You can only turn a battery on so many times before it runs outta juice!
Bubba: What are you doing? Having lunch?
Mama: No Bubba, we're grooving to Oscar Meyer's latest compact disk.
(Bubba listens around the room)
Vint: We're not gonna get our baby. Dr. Richards said we couldn't.
Naomi: Well honey, I just got a second opinion, and my obstetrician says we are.
Vint: What's your eye doctor got to do with it?
(Vint is talking about his chemistry set)
Vint: I had it figured out the minute I opened the box, but she ripped it right out of my hands!
Mama: He was burning down the front porch.
Vint: It was an experiment!
Mama: It was arson!
Dr. Richards: So, Mr. Harper, tell me about your childhood?
Vint: Well, I guess it was okay. I... (Mama takes a rolled up magazine and slaps her palm with it) Perfect! My childhood was perfect.