Mrs. Thelma "Mama" Crowley-Harper
Naomi Oates Harper
Sonja Harper (episodes 1-35)
Iola Boylen (1986-1990)
Bubba Higgins (episodes 36-130)
Bubba: I got myself a job to pay for my trip to Oswald Caverns.
Grandma Crowley's Ghost: Oswald Caverns? Isn't that where them teenagers went in and never come out?
Mama: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know all about that.
Bubba: Gee, how'd ya know? Did Aunt Naomi tell you?
Mama: Tell me what?
Naomi: That I got Bubba a job, unloading trucks at Food Circus.
Mama: I don't want you unloading trucks.
Grandma Crowley's Ghost: No. He'll lose a finger. Remember Uncle Roy?
Mama: You'll wind up just like your Uncle Roy.
Bubba: Who's Uncle Roy?
Grandma Crowley's Ghost: You never told him about Uncle Roy?
Mama: I got more on my mind than Uncle Roy!!!
Bubba: Then why did you bring him up?!
Grandma Crowley's Ghost: You sell that broach and I will never speak to you again.
Mama: Hot damn!
*Vint and Naomi look at her puzzled*
Mama: Vinton, Naomi, take this thing back tonight.
Grandma Crowley's Ghost: I'm warning you, I will never forgive you.
Mama: Get the hell outta my life!!!
Vint: Gee Mama, can't we even get a cup of coffee first?
*Mama tells Bubba she is going to sell her Mother's broach so he can go on his trip*
Bubba: You really mean it? I can go?
Mama: You bet. That's what life is all about, trying new things.
*Grandma Crowley's ghost reappears, next to Vint*
Grandma Crowley's Ghost: Have you lost your mind? You can't let him go to them caves.
Mama: You keep out of this!
Vint: I didn't say anything.
Mama: That is my mother's good diamond and ruby broach. She gave this to me on her death bed because I was her favorite.
Vint: I thought it was because Aunt Fran didn't want it.
Mama: Because I was her favorite!
Iola: Now you sit right down there. I'll tell you all about Roselle Huplander's new bedroom set.
Mama: Iola, I don't care about where some blimp docks!
Naomi: Mrs. Harper, you know after you pay for Bubba's trip, there's still going to be $75 left over.
Vint: Yeah. Mama, what are we gonna do with it?
Mama: We are gonna buy Me my first pair of designer jeans.
*Mama's ghost disappears, and she is calling to her*
Mama: Come back here! I mean it! Where the hell did you go?!
*Vint and Naomi enter*
Vint: To Hinkley, like you told us.
Mama: Do you realize that because of you I've never even worn a pair of slacks?
Grandma Crowley's Ghost: Nobody wants to look at the caboose in pants.
Mama: You made me afraid to try anything. I was 63 when I learned to drive.
Grandma Crowley's Ghost: Don't tell me your driving!
Mama: Thanks to you Mother, I've always been ashamed to show affection. I never let Carl anywhere near me unless the lights were out.
Grandma Crowley's Ghost: Well, if you're gonna talk dirty, I'm leaving.
Mama: I can't get my living relatives out of my house, much less any dead ones.
Grandma Crowley's Ghost: Don't you heathens say Grace?
Mama: Uh, Bubba thank the Lord like we always do.
Bubba: In the middle of the meal?
Mama: Just do it!
*Mama and her mother's ghost are fighting about the salt in the peas*
Mama: These peas are fine!
Bubba: Well that's nice Grandma. Are you gonna share um with the rest of us?
Vint: Mama, we got good news about the broach.
Mama: Ssh! Don't say the B word. She might come back.
Mama: Iola, do you believe in spirits?
Iola: Yes, but in moderation and never before driving.
Mama: Vinton, when you get to be my age you learn to respect the dead. You don't wanna tick off anyone you might be seeing soon.
Mama: Good Lord. What did I do to deserve such a brat?
Vint: Oh, don't take it personal Mama. It's just that rebellious stage that all guys go through. You know, cutting the apron strings. Testing his independence.
Mama: When is that gonna happen to you?
Mama: I'm not giving you my mother's picture. Or anything else!
Iola: Well fine. It will be a cold day in you-know-where before I ask this stingy family for another donation.
Bubba: Hey everybody! Well, hi Miss Boylen.
Iola: You got anything for the rummage sale?!
Bubba: Um, nope.
Iola: It figures.
*Mama is showing the picture of her frowning mother*
Naomi: Well, she looked so grim. How come she never smiled for the picture?
Vint: That is her smile. You should've seen her when she got mad.
*Vint and Naomi are making out on the sofa, and Mama tells them to stop*
Naomi: Mrs. Harper, we are husband and wife. This is just our way of renewing our wedding vows.
Mama: Yeah? What were they, to love, honor, and be disgusting?
*The family is eating dinner when Mama's Mother's ghost reappears*
Mama: *To her mother's ghost* Are you still here?!
Vint: We're eatin' as fast as we can!
The title of this episode is an allusion to the title of a book by Nancy Friday. "My Mother, Myself" was published in 1977.
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