Mrs. Thelma "Mama" Crowley-Harper
Naomi Oates Harper
Sonja Harper (episodes 1-35)
Iola Boylen (1986-1990)
Bubba Higgins (episodes 36-130)
Bubba: Grandma, it's for your own good.
Mama: If you think beating an old woman senseless is for her own good, you need therapy worse than me!
Iola: Well, what shall we watch on TV?
Vint: How about Teleshopper?
Naomi: Great idea! They have such great bargains!
*The whole family sits properly around Mama, about as proper as the way they are talking*
Mama: Lord, I feel like I'm watching TV with the Stepford children.
Bubba: Now come on Grandma. All ya gotta do is pretend this is an ordinary night, and we're all just gonna watch TV.
Mama: Well, that oughta be pretty easy to pretend.
Naomi: Yeah! Just one, big happy family.
Mama: That'll be a lot harder.
Vint: Oh Mama face it, you are a Teleshopaholic.
Mama: Oh Lord. And ya always think it's gonna happen to someone else.
Mama: I'm in complete control!
*sits on the chair and the jewelry hidden in the chair makes a noise*
Naomi: What was that noise?
Mama: What noise?
Bubba: From under your cushion.
Mama: Well, for heaven's sake Bubba, I'm an old woman.
Mama: How in the world did this happen? I only ordered a few nick nacks.
Iola: A few nick nacks? Thelma, you got more cheap junk on display than the dime toss at the fair.
Mama: You're gonna hafta have the meeting without me.
Iola: Thelma, we can't have the meeting without you. You're the president.
Naomi: Mrs. Harper, how many of these did you buy?
Mama: Well, now you wouldn't believe the deal Travis gave me on these. They were cheaper by the gross.
Vint: Mama, what are we gonna do with twelve of these things?
*Mama is calling Teleshopper*
Mama: Damn, why don't we get a touch tone?!
Bubba: You wouldn't believe what a simple date costs these days. There's your movie tickets, your popcorn, your Cokes, your hot dogs, your JuJuBees, your Milk Duds, and your licorice whips. And lots of times the girl wants something too.
Mama: Bubba, there is no need for you to be spending all of that money. Shoot, I remember my best dates with your Grandpa Carl didn't even cost a dime. He'd come around in his Desoto, have us a nice drive out to Ray Lake, we'd park and look up at the moon, Carl'd find a little Glen Miller on the radio. We'd just sit back and *Mama realizes what they'd do*. Course, there's nothin' like a good movie!
Mama: If the Good Lord wanted people to have a shopping mall in their house, then the Garden of Eden would've had piped-through music, see-through elevators, and the House or Nuts.
Mama: Carl didn't like fer me to wear jewelry.
Vint: Yeah. Daddy always said that he didn't like anything to take away from Mama's face.
Mama: Ha! He didn't want anything to take away from his wallet.
*Iola is describing her cubic zirconia sweater guard*
Iola: These can do everything a diamond can. They even cut glass.
Vint: Well, that'll come in real handy if ya ever get locked in a greenhouse.
Mama: Are those real diamonds?
Iola: Almost. They're cubic zirconia.
Mama: What the hell's a cubic zirconia?
Iola: "What's more important, Teleshopper or your family? *Mama thinks* Thelma!"
Mama: "Don't rush me, I'm thinking."
Mama: Hello, Teleshopper? I would like to order that ring.
(Hits Thelma with newspapers.*
Mama: Ow! What the hell's going on here?!
Iola: It's part of the aversion therapy. It's the same technique used to train household pets.
Mama: Well, all I did was use the phone, I didn't make a mess on the floor!
Bubba: "Grandma, we don't have a boat."
Vint: "Don't remind her, Bubba. She'll order a gross of them."
This episode didn't feature any of Mama's "last words."
The opening sequence has been slightly updated. The shots of the house are the same as they were in seasons 1 and 2, and the letterning in the logo and credits is different.
The title of this episode is an allusion to the song, "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend." The song was written by Jule Styne and included in the musical/movie titled, "Gentlemen Prefer Blonds." Marilyn Monroe performed the song in the movie, which was released in 1953.
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